Look into my eyes...you will see... what you mean to me! Search your heart...search your soul and when you find me then you'll know for sure. -Robin Hood Song
I am supposed to have my kids most the summer. I have barley seen them. Weeks would go by and they did not understand what was going on. And then on a little adventure day I let my son drive on a country dirt road. He was so good at driving I felt as if I was someone else taking over him...idk but he was pretty amazing. And that there is how my insanity finally put my children in danger.
Since then I have not had the privilege of being alone with them and it felt my ex was pushing me out of their lives with his new girlfriend. During a reflective week on the energy depressive Abilify I began to have thoughts that I was no good to my kids and should stop exposing them to my ups and downs and run away to Seattle the first chance I get.
I was trying to save up to take them to the fair. A little job here and there...I get a call that they would rather go camping and not to the fair...and no I am not included. I hadn't saved enough for the fair so I was kind of relieved, but to not be included was harsh...they we're going to the local KOA.
So I was like still if I can't be in their lives I want to get out of this town. Hiding in Seattle sounds lovely. I could find an agent easier...and I had a nice young Muslim man to come with me.
Well the day they went to KOA I was called and I was invited to come see them. It was both their reactions to seeing me that made me know that I have to keep fighting the good fight and take the damn Abilify and be present in their lives. They ran up to my car when I pulled in with sparkly eyes and so excited to see me! And hugs and kisses and I just think it had been too long for us to not see each other. We swam in the pool and I love playing with them in the water it's kind of our thing!
My kids are my biggest fans...even though I don't really tell them what I write about. They just know I am trying. They don't really understand why I can't work normal jobs and have a vague understanding that I have a mental illness.
I want to discard the idea of moving away in shame for now. They need me to stay...they are little...they are just forming who they are and I cannot be selfish and say it would be better for them if I just disappear.
God help me stay well for my kids! This is super hard! I am way happier being one with the universe but that is only thinking of myself!
Got to look into their eyes and see what I mean to them, and walk this out! Got to stay in this town damnit!
Glad to have these two little fans! I love em!
I am supposed to have my kids most the summer. I have barley seen them. Weeks would go by and they did not understand what was going on. And then on a little adventure day I let my son drive on a country dirt road. He was so good at driving I felt as if I was someone else taking over him...idk but he was pretty amazing. And that there is how my insanity finally put my children in danger.
Since then I have not had the privilege of being alone with them and it felt my ex was pushing me out of their lives with his new girlfriend. During a reflective week on the energy depressive Abilify I began to have thoughts that I was no good to my kids and should stop exposing them to my ups and downs and run away to Seattle the first chance I get.
I was trying to save up to take them to the fair. A little job here and there...I get a call that they would rather go camping and not to the fair...and no I am not included. I hadn't saved enough for the fair so I was kind of relieved, but to not be included was harsh...they we're going to the local KOA.
So I was like still if I can't be in their lives I want to get out of this town. Hiding in Seattle sounds lovely. I could find an agent easier...and I had a nice young Muslim man to come with me.
Well the day they went to KOA I was called and I was invited to come see them. It was both their reactions to seeing me that made me know that I have to keep fighting the good fight and take the damn Abilify and be present in their lives. They ran up to my car when I pulled in with sparkly eyes and so excited to see me! And hugs and kisses and I just think it had been too long for us to not see each other. We swam in the pool and I love playing with them in the water it's kind of our thing!
My kids are my biggest fans...even though I don't really tell them what I write about. They just know I am trying. They don't really understand why I can't work normal jobs and have a vague understanding that I have a mental illness.
I want to discard the idea of moving away in shame for now. They need me to stay...they are little...they are just forming who they are and I cannot be selfish and say it would be better for them if I just disappear.
God help me stay well for my kids! This is super hard! I am way happier being one with the universe but that is only thinking of myself!
Got to look into their eyes and see what I mean to them, and walk this out! Got to stay in this town damnit!
Glad to have these two little fans! I love em!
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