She said "wow you talk "good.""
"What do you mean?"
"You know how you sound...what you say it just sounds good."
"Do you mean by the way I carry myself?"
"Yes."
"Thanks." (Do not internalize compliments.)
Too many varying opinions on me I have stopped accepting opinions and believe my own inner dialogue given by God.
But over all I think how blessed I am she said that because not all my people have that avenue and that is grace. And I am hella lucky that I can cross realms and come back to rather quickly.
No concept of how I am perceived half the time. Clueless.
Issue. Yes. Because opinions on me are as vast as the stars. I would die if I let them all eat me up.
She says "you're a genius...real...amazingly talented, I know some publishers."
Don't get hopes up "no one really cares...I am just one of millions of bipolar people writing." Prolly lots of people see snakes in their hair and make plants grow...I'm nothing special...
I am no one. I am no one he will ever love.
True heart to be slaughtered.
That's what it is...he hates my guts and will never change his mind even if I made millions...I m stupid stupid to believe in my psychosis...I should just believe what everyone else believes and be normal.
OMG I am a fukn Goddess!
Look at my heart shades and lip gloss and Batman hat I am too cute!
And this one time I hallucinated it was so breathtaking and beautiful and I just knew I was in a heavenly realm!
"What were you on?" He said.
"Nothing! Isn't that a miracle!!!"
"Bye" he said.
"And what of this dead man you talk to?"
"Well it's Jake you see...and he's a soul mate I can hear and we talk for weeks and leave clues for each other all over town! He treats me so special but I can't hear him with this med. It makes me sad and alone."
"That's creepy don't talk about it"
"Ok I won't."
"Come clean houses with me" she said. "$7.50 an hour?" I said? I would rather spend my time with my own dreams writing 20 books if I have to...
And then he said "you are a public figure."
"No" I said... "public figures would be paid to help others."
Public figures would have status and value in society. I am not a public figure. I am stigmatized and devalued by my disability.
I pawned my laptop today for gas and food. Damn I have options no? Right? Why is this all happening? This is surely a test of trust from above.
So never internalize comments.
Be myself. Tossed between bliss, and cuffs and needles.I could feel him beside me you know. And he was taken from me and the birds he danced for me and the trees he made alive for me...and then back to Flatt and it's Adam again.
"All you are is a crazy woman...you shouldn't put that much pressure on a man...you scare him." ""They said" "get over it." "yes I know" I said. "But what about the story in my psychosis since eighteen?"
They said "it doesn't matter."
He said "wow you are so beautiful...can I get to know you?"
"No" I said. I am impossibly difficult to deal with because I get "sick" sometimes.
"You?" "No way" "you're perfect, I love your eyes!" "There's no way I couldn't handle you he says
"TRUST ME. "No I haven't read your blog." "But seriously you can trust me I am a stand up guy. Trust me." Let's have babies?
I vomit in my mouth and cry at the truth of my experience.
Trust me on this that I doubt my heart will ever trust again. It will take a legion of convincing and who has time for that in this day and age? Or it will take a one hug...one hug?
"And it's sad and lonely and scary" she said.
But at the same time I recognize I have a really big life going on here! And it's is fun! And God may have taken me away from the limelight and the talents I admittedly abused and he didn't crumple me into a couch potato...and leave me to grow roots there!
"So here I am at 38. Sober and happy and comfortable in my own skin no matter what others think...and that is a total spiritual Awakening for me!" I said.
And there was always this thing about my hair. I think my hair has my illness.
Born a toehead
Stick straight til eighteen. First psychosis
Cut short grew back very curly.
Dye jobs... identity crises.
Falls out in gobs during divorce from an antidepressant painful shit to go through
Early sobriety dye jobs. Every freaking color like a teenager...very short hair. Identity crisis...very curly and growing super slow.
Jail December 2013 notice roots are growing out but are pretty. Trust to stop dyeing although I had since eighteen.
My hair is now kinda toe head silver white and brown underneath...And straight growing like a weed and how it always was before my first psychosis. Correlation or not, it's interesting to me.
"Her hair is her crown" I think that's from the Bible lol goodnight.
And I can work on my book on my phone so I will be ok till I get a better laptop with word!
Peace out!
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