They make my head spin like the exorcism I need. Truly unexplainable this life...The how and why of it, just never flies, even when I try to explain...I fall short. I can prove it! I can prove it's all true! You see this happened to me at eighteen...in my mind! And everyone knows yes I went to the hospital. And then again...yes this happened! It's true! In my mind! Paranormal maybe but why can't I convince YOU? It's fukn like a fukn volcano erupted in 2013...and in the wake of the aftermath is cataclismic, and I just can't fukn believe the power of it all. In my mind. It's too much this venue God's given me...it's too much to explore. It's wild and tenacious and dripping with honey so sticky...I'm bound to get stuck somewhere too difficult...cold and alone and too crazy to accept anyone could love me enough. See me through this. And I am crazy enough to think there is only one who could? And that God chose him...and I just got to see this through...and then? In my mind. I am just trying to stay alive here. Shit is real heavy. Not for wimps. I'm scared of Flatt and I don't want to be here except for my kids. Or do I? I don't know? I don't know what I want. It's confusing crossing realms. And love is confusing. And prophecy is confusing...and random trips out of reality for 20 years makes me say WTF? Makes me angry to be alone and absolutely no one will measure up other than my fukn psychosis soul mates dead or alive, right? So that's rough...and I am lonesome and doing normal shit tomorrow like a business meeting and a job interview. And I don't know if I can have all that cause that is Flatt shit...but I need money...and unfortunately as cool as I think a 20 year connection with a man I met six years ago is...if that's mental and not fukn spiritual shoot me in the head...but yes it was all in my mind and no one went to those places with me as a teenager. No one gets how profound. Because it was all in my mind. I guess I be crazy and kick rocks...and keep on trying for that brand new white truck for him...maybe Silverado maybe Ram, I have not decided. Mine will be Black. But yeah never give up...because I know the story that happened in my mind was fukn fantastic. And it's real and maybe more real than Flatt life...and I will just go out on a fukn limb and say I deserve better in my life than welfare and disability and stigma and criminalization...I am just gonna bet that I get better than that because God told me that when I was a child, and he told me that again on Sunday...so I trust God wouldn't put me through the psychward merry go round and then there you're worthless now die or something? Cause that ain't happening...my shit is real and legit I ain't playing because it's too fukn hard to live this and not find a value in it. I do not understand why it is so damn hard to get attention from publishers! Holy shit! Crazy mf shit I do! Absolutely not ordinary...and it doesn't happen because I try to make it happen. It happens because I go somewhere else! The world must be filled with so much crazy, that thinking you're invisible and walking around naked with a ninja turtle umbrella is just "not that crazy.". Or seeing snakes in your hair mate with plants is average everyday shit! Fuk dude like I said I am trying to find some Quan (you know like in Jerry Macguire except not football....writing)...I am like seriously God...when? Tired of the struggle! Tired of never being able to give my kids stuff. Tired of bitching!
And there that was all in my mind!!!
And there that was all in my mind!!!
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