I guess its just a given that I expect people to know that my illness is not something I have chosen, as if I inject it daily...or sip it from a cup. Maybe gulp. But anyway...yes I take meds and no they do not stop anything from happening that wants to happen. I don't have time to worry about what I think other people think, and frankly if I worried about that too much, I would probably need to "off" myself.
I've been way too sensitive lately though. Just bristling with agitation of opinions. Like surprised at people and that really needs to stop on my end. A recent opinion of what happened with my laptop, and how I should "get over" it being stolen when I had the gumption to throw it off my porch? Well I guess you would just have to know my perspective I was coming from. When I am psychotic I am extremely happy and full of light. I think I am in heaven....I think I am famous and I tossed my laptop off the porch in a joyous outburst of liberation! Of course my work was all recorded for the spiritual realm, so who needs anything concrete like a laptop? This was a moment of beauty for me, but try explaining that to a investigating officer! Um yeah in the moment it didn't matter, but in this realm it is all my hopes and dreams!
It was also freeing to throw my scale away...and half my clothes, all my jewelry and perfume in the dumpster. Imagine if a Brittney Spears just threw away half her stuff to donate it to the poor...well I was that famous in those moments. Don't ask me how this happens, just that it does! And sometimes I am that crazy to believe my "show" really is designed for the other realm! Its a place where I am more than understood...and yes it is "recorded." A "heaven reel."
So someone was questioning why I was "cyber bullying" my good friend Nick who stole from me, then lied some more about what he did with my laptop, then made fun of my trip to Warm Springs. Um, hello I plan to make money off being completely open that I am crazy...so rub it in I don't care! Its not a news flash to me! It was also implied that my episodes are just like drinking. That's some booze laced with acid alright! If alcohol could do this shit to people it would be illegal, period. LOL...so then why can't I openly talk about my life in meetings? Why is it so off base? I'm just average...nothing special about me! Blend in. Be in the middle of the herd to survive! I'm fuked!
I've been doing the program for five years. All it says is you can recover if you have the capacity to be honest. Well in early sobriety I made a mistake with that...but then I figured God was only gonna bless me if I got really really honest, and so I am. But I don't look like I am recovered so I ain't getting in the Grapevine anytime soon...although you bet your ass my effort to not drink is a "A Game." Yes it would be so much easier to blot out my existence to the bitter end.
I guess I am a lot stronger then I used to be because I based my entire existence on what people thought of me. I've had to let that go. And I also need to let go of giving people a hard time for being ignorant! Or threatening welfare checks on me for being opinionated about a thief! I was like "go ahead" I am not afraid of cops. If God is for us, who can be against us? Right. I am just chillin with my kids...normal as can be! But you bet your ass that gets annoying. But I got to understand that I make people uneasy! Unfortunately as amazing as being in heaven is to me...folks prolly don't want to see me splattered below Crowne Plaza cause I am an angel that can fly. And that is just the kind of imagery people think of when they think mental illness.
There is some purpose I am here on this planet with non-alcohol induced crazy shit happening. Might as well share about it, cause it keeps me passionate about the struggle in itself. It was suggested by same welfare checker that I stop. And I was like I think it is pretty much my purpose on this earth and I couldn't hold down the fort at a McDonalds...so what the heck, I will keep on doing what keeps my heart beating. I think the more people that are negative about it the more shine its got on it! Polish away!
I've been way too sensitive lately though. Just bristling with agitation of opinions. Like surprised at people and that really needs to stop on my end. A recent opinion of what happened with my laptop, and how I should "get over" it being stolen when I had the gumption to throw it off my porch? Well I guess you would just have to know my perspective I was coming from. When I am psychotic I am extremely happy and full of light. I think I am in heaven....I think I am famous and I tossed my laptop off the porch in a joyous outburst of liberation! Of course my work was all recorded for the spiritual realm, so who needs anything concrete like a laptop? This was a moment of beauty for me, but try explaining that to a investigating officer! Um yeah in the moment it didn't matter, but in this realm it is all my hopes and dreams!
It was also freeing to throw my scale away...and half my clothes, all my jewelry and perfume in the dumpster. Imagine if a Brittney Spears just threw away half her stuff to donate it to the poor...well I was that famous in those moments. Don't ask me how this happens, just that it does! And sometimes I am that crazy to believe my "show" really is designed for the other realm! Its a place where I am more than understood...and yes it is "recorded." A "heaven reel."
So someone was questioning why I was "cyber bullying" my good friend Nick who stole from me, then lied some more about what he did with my laptop, then made fun of my trip to Warm Springs. Um, hello I plan to make money off being completely open that I am crazy...so rub it in I don't care! Its not a news flash to me! It was also implied that my episodes are just like drinking. That's some booze laced with acid alright! If alcohol could do this shit to people it would be illegal, period. LOL...so then why can't I openly talk about my life in meetings? Why is it so off base? I'm just average...nothing special about me! Blend in. Be in the middle of the herd to survive! I'm fuked!
I've been doing the program for five years. All it says is you can recover if you have the capacity to be honest. Well in early sobriety I made a mistake with that...but then I figured God was only gonna bless me if I got really really honest, and so I am. But I don't look like I am recovered so I ain't getting in the Grapevine anytime soon...although you bet your ass my effort to not drink is a "A Game." Yes it would be so much easier to blot out my existence to the bitter end.
I guess I am a lot stronger then I used to be because I based my entire existence on what people thought of me. I've had to let that go. And I also need to let go of giving people a hard time for being ignorant! Or threatening welfare checks on me for being opinionated about a thief! I was like "go ahead" I am not afraid of cops. If God is for us, who can be against us? Right. I am just chillin with my kids...normal as can be! But you bet your ass that gets annoying. But I got to understand that I make people uneasy! Unfortunately as amazing as being in heaven is to me...folks prolly don't want to see me splattered below Crowne Plaza cause I am an angel that can fly. And that is just the kind of imagery people think of when they think mental illness.
There is some purpose I am here on this planet with non-alcohol induced crazy shit happening. Might as well share about it, cause it keeps me passionate about the struggle in itself. It was suggested by same welfare checker that I stop. And I was like I think it is pretty much my purpose on this earth and I couldn't hold down the fort at a McDonalds...so what the heck, I will keep on doing what keeps my heart beating. I think the more people that are negative about it the more shine its got on it! Polish away!
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