Normally Squishy

Well once you've seen other planes of existence Flatt is pretty boring.  Having had all of eternity watching my every move in psychoses since I was 18 also makes opening up about what I go through seem like just the thing to do with my life.  Let it be of the educational variety!  I feel pretty lucky that God chose me to have these experiences.  It makes for a lot of judgement on my life but I've grown to be ok with that!

I am not however ok with having no energy! I don't think I am actually depressed but for a woman that is typically superhuman and gets it all done in a day...I am getting frustrated and feeling behind. And the true question is what am I behind on? Is it my delusion that when my mind goes faster and smarter I hold more value to this world?  I want to work on the lawsuit and the queries...and all I did today was help Jane make noodles and took a nap!  Oh yeah and picked up more dollhouse stuff.

I am pretty hard on myself for what I have just been through...it's just that I hate feeling depressed...which is just tired! And I know this!  And it is pushing me toward just saying I give up...it's all too much meet you at the bar...I'm a big fat nobody! A crazy squishy puddle of goo!  Trust me on this when you are used to using your energy levels to keep your head right and happy the downturn is no fun...so this is where my program has to come in.  No a drink would not make this better it would be a swift way to die.

So I hope you get a kick out of this...all the way to Laurel today I was debating becoming an escort, lol. Me with my sexual trauma PTSD that's brilliant!  I just wondered mostly about just men who want to spend time with women and would pay for it...just company right? I'm entertaining and can keep my cray to myself!  So I googled it and it seems that sexual acts is pretty much what you actually get paid for...how naive of me!  The shit that goes through my head is priceless.  I am just trying to make my way in this felon hating world and all the jobs that accept felons don't work with my crazy head.  So prostitution was my go to thought.  Duoh.

I gave it way too much head space and by the time I got to Jane's I was disturbed with my own thoughts...but I couldn't just bust out with I am so poor I am thinking about the oldest profession lol!  So I worked disturbed rolling dough into balls and being really negative in my head but displaying that all was well and making jokes.  I've gotten better about keeping it light. And I felt awful and tired and wimpy and I didn't want to be there...but I am so proud of myself because I didn't let on!  Anyone  could ask my own mother how well I usually do about hiding what I am actually emoting...I suck at it lol.

I think I just really respect Janes boundaries and that she really cares for me no matter what and I don't want to let her down. Plus I appreciate having work and I love it when she tells me I've done something perfect, lol.  I am working off what I owe her for my car being towed...I do miss the greenhouse though which was seasonal.

So yeah just surviving. Tired. Broke. Not drunk. And never gonna sell what my momma gave  me. Never even gonna let my mind dwell on such a damn thing it made me ill.  Gonna make damn noodles again tomorrow, lol.

And the lady that gave me the dollhouse stuff passed away. Her name was Lee Franks and she was so crafty! I had left my number in a thank you card for her and the woman dealing with the estate called me to give me more stuff!  What a blessing!  I got a whole dollhouse kit that I am giving to my sister who completely messed up my dollhouse set up! She said she was cleaning it up and I am like no! Everything was strategic for a Pirate Raposa germ army escape!  Oh and btw my six year old told me he saw a shadow by the dollhouse one night and it was a little creepy...and then i recalled that my dollhouse was a psychological thriller in psychosis and if he saw a shadow that's really nothing to be scared of!

But guess what I found today?  A brick fireplace that needs repair!  Ima be a mason and fix it!  Yay!   I may need expert advice!!!

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