So I said at the meeting how much easier my life was when I was drinking. It was much simpler in the least...just get to check out not really deal with much of anything. Didn't say it was better though, just prettier...well put together appearing. Financially successful and blessed. I mentioned that I hallucinate sober and of course that's off topic.
So after the meeting I am talking to two guys. This was not cool of me to do this...because I know it just freaks people out so I should just keep my mouth shut and let them think I am just a garden variety alcoholic. "So when you hallucinate do you see little bright lights in front of your eyes?" Um no, my hair turns into electric-psychedelic snakes and they mate with plants and I can see the plants growing right before my eyes...and little DNA sequences flitting off in the air." "Ah shit you were pulling a Medusa," he says. And immediately subject over.
So if I would say I dropped 20 sheets of acid and here's what happened would that be cooler to people then saying...I have visions, I hallucinate...I am mental but I think its spiritual? I think my mental illness is the bomb! I mean if I have to have one. It totally gives me a greater purpose in life. It feels meaningful. But it also makes me feel very unique and alone.
I looked up Medusa tonight. She was a Greek Goddess that could turn men into stone. And a Goddess of fertility. Maybe that's why I thought I was gifting people babies back in May. I thought I could pick the sex of the child...and I gave my old sponsor who has three grown children but no grandchildren, twins, and a boy, lol.
I even found a vintage tshirt with Medusa on it at the second hand store...how ironic!
The reason I called this Meloncholy Medusa is I am worried. I've been very open about what happens to me...I've been very blatant that it involves Adam in a big way. I worry about my freedom I guess. Its either I am going to be famous for opening up, or I am going to be locked away and forgotten. Its kind of living on the edge...but I really think my brain is worth some money!
At least my experiences aren't ongoing and I come back to this plain of existence. I am kind of at the point where I have to be ok with it...because meds don't work and it happens when it wants to. Every hallucination that I have had has been positive and has not scared me (this year.) Just very beautiful. Fingers crossed.
Another thing I worry is that my story is so unbelievable that it isn't believable and that people think I make this shit up? That I somehow have it in me to make a psychotic stories to make me look cool? Someone asked me if it was true, I am like yep 100% of it is my life. It is not from my imagination but from my actual experiences...things I have never been taught make up my spiritual truth and its a far cry from how I was raised!
So I guess I am not really melancholy tonight...it just sounded good with Medusa, lol. I guess what turned the men to stone was Medusa's hideous face...I would like to think she was the evil version and I am the good version. Quite possibly I am just some random bitch in this world who hallucinates and it doesn't mean shit!
Yes, maybe I don't deserve anything out of four years of writing my story...I am sorry but mentally ill felons do not get treated very well. I know because I haven't always been one! And because of my reputation an awesome business plan that would help our city immensely gets ignored. I may be scrubbing toilets the rest of my life and all this honesty was worth not. But to me it means I lived...and I lived hard. Not wasting a single minute whatsoever. I don't regret it...and I am pumped to get to be in an international magazine!!! That's a solid step in the right direction Meloncholy Medusa!!! LOL Chin up!
So after the meeting I am talking to two guys. This was not cool of me to do this...because I know it just freaks people out so I should just keep my mouth shut and let them think I am just a garden variety alcoholic. "So when you hallucinate do you see little bright lights in front of your eyes?" Um no, my hair turns into electric-psychedelic snakes and they mate with plants and I can see the plants growing right before my eyes...and little DNA sequences flitting off in the air." "Ah shit you were pulling a Medusa," he says. And immediately subject over.
So if I would say I dropped 20 sheets of acid and here's what happened would that be cooler to people then saying...I have visions, I hallucinate...I am mental but I think its spiritual? I think my mental illness is the bomb! I mean if I have to have one. It totally gives me a greater purpose in life. It feels meaningful. But it also makes me feel very unique and alone.
I looked up Medusa tonight. She was a Greek Goddess that could turn men into stone. And a Goddess of fertility. Maybe that's why I thought I was gifting people babies back in May. I thought I could pick the sex of the child...and I gave my old sponsor who has three grown children but no grandchildren, twins, and a boy, lol.
I even found a vintage tshirt with Medusa on it at the second hand store...how ironic!
The reason I called this Meloncholy Medusa is I am worried. I've been very open about what happens to me...I've been very blatant that it involves Adam in a big way. I worry about my freedom I guess. Its either I am going to be famous for opening up, or I am going to be locked away and forgotten. Its kind of living on the edge...but I really think my brain is worth some money!
At least my experiences aren't ongoing and I come back to this plain of existence. I am kind of at the point where I have to be ok with it...because meds don't work and it happens when it wants to. Every hallucination that I have had has been positive and has not scared me (this year.) Just very beautiful. Fingers crossed.
Another thing I worry is that my story is so unbelievable that it isn't believable and that people think I make this shit up? That I somehow have it in me to make a psychotic stories to make me look cool? Someone asked me if it was true, I am like yep 100% of it is my life. It is not from my imagination but from my actual experiences...things I have never been taught make up my spiritual truth and its a far cry from how I was raised!
So I guess I am not really melancholy tonight...it just sounded good with Medusa, lol. I guess what turned the men to stone was Medusa's hideous face...I would like to think she was the evil version and I am the good version. Quite possibly I am just some random bitch in this world who hallucinates and it doesn't mean shit!
Yes, maybe I don't deserve anything out of four years of writing my story...I am sorry but mentally ill felons do not get treated very well. I know because I haven't always been one! And because of my reputation an awesome business plan that would help our city immensely gets ignored. I may be scrubbing toilets the rest of my life and all this honesty was worth not. But to me it means I lived...and I lived hard. Not wasting a single minute whatsoever. I don't regret it...and I am pumped to get to be in an international magazine!!! That's a solid step in the right direction Meloncholy Medusa!!! LOL Chin up!
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