Went to the Laurel meeting and it was on humility and I think I found the roots in me that God is trying to pull up and replant in firmer ground. I will get to that in a minute but first let me tell you Jill can mow lawns too! Haha well I did it at Broadwater on a hot day...only did the front and the side before my arms gave out, because depression lack of energy surely does a number on your body energy as well. I was doing someone else's service work, this guy that gives me shit on the regular and I give him shit cause he stays sober five days then drinks, but keeps coming back! Its fun, he is a good guy and he gave me $20 for doing his work. Put that $20 in my pocket and lost it by the time I got to the convenience store to get gas. Um yep that's the kind of stuff that happens in depression...just does. Kick ya when you're down kind of shit. I just figured it was spiritual and teaching me I shouldn't accept money for service work for a program that saves my life. Tried not to cry.
So I am mowing the lawn and someone in a white truck goes roaring by...ooohhhh attitude it must be Adam! I've seen a bazillion white trucks and they all "could be" Adam, but never are. I never see him...its like we live in a damn metropolis! This could have been any dude showing off to a girl mowing, with big boobs in a tank top...but must have been my Adam!!! And since he revved his engine he is still mad! I hope not. He could hate me for all I know...I really don't know. He could wish I would curl up and die...not be so vocal about what happened. I just think it is worth telling is all...and since I've tried 50 million other ways to make money and everybody tells me "no"...this is what I am left with! Its worth a shot. And God certainly keeps it interesting lol!
So the root of my humility is based on something I talk about constantly...which is my resentment for my drive to not be poor, and have to clean houses and such...how much education I have, because I was the little girl that was too smart and gonna be a doctor. This is so deep seated in me..."give me back what I earned God!" "I worked so hard to get ahead!" "Is this really someone else's shit I am cleaning up right now?" "How did this happen?" "Why?" "No one will give me jobs in my field because I am a felon." "They say I am not qualified to be a secretary in Radiology...but I have an ultrasound degree." "NO NO NO Miranda! No we do not want you...your're not enough...you're just a felon." "And a bonus we don't care about how you got it!"
I have attempts in a million different directions in the past five years. But today God straight up told me that I needed to thank Him for every single person that told me "no!" If I had become a real estate assistant (oh yes I have been a realtor too) for someone else's business...would I ever write? If I was answering phones in a radiology department how much would they appreciate my episodes...they are not gonna think it is cool!!! I will just get fired...I don't fit where I used to fit! I cannot not do the things I used to do...I am never gonna be a standard operator of an ultrasound machine and sit in a dark room with sick people all day...and I say YAY!
Because today in that meeting I realized that by me pushing through the "root of my humility" and cleaning those damn houses, because that is where I am at, God is gonna fix those resentments in me that keep me bitter and yelling at the world "GIVE IT BACK TO ME ME ME!" I think He has something far greater in store for me and I just believe that all those "NO's" I got were for a purpose. Maybe things far better than I can even imagine or anticipate. There is a reason that I never stopped writing in four years. There is a reason I am not getting back my old life...it wasn't the right design...wasn't how God needed me...and the life I have now is far more exciting, unusual and marketable for a movie lol.
Adam telling me "no" at the time, was absolutely a God thing. And when people say to me I should hate him and that he is a bottom-feeding-scumbag-asshole that just did it to hurt you? I fukn say "no he's not." How the hell have I been that strong? I just have to believe there is a bigger plan in all this than pain and rejection. People come at me, laugh at me, give me advice on the matter and its is just not relevant to what I got going on! "You should hate him." "Why do you even ask how he is doing?" I've heard it a lot. A whole lot of naysayers up in this bitch. And it must be for a reason besides I am only crazy, and behaving wrong and stupid....I am a little bit of all those things, but I am a whole lot of other things that powerfully contradict those labels. I don't even think the term "hot mess," describes me.
I don't know if a "hot mess" does things like get fabulously wealthy overnight and throw her clothes in the dumpster because they will be the next hottest trends? Lol. I don't know if "hot messes" ditch their car in another town and hitch hike back, because they wanted to feel what it feels like to hold a sign, and stick out a thumb...oh and the car was gonna come back a 1969 Dodge charger? I don't know if another "hot mess" would get naked with a spirit of the dead and play that scene out in the lock down? Oh it was damn real too!
I just don't know what Hot Messes really do? I am super curious...this definition of a "Hot Mess?" I've been called a "Freaky Stalker Bitch..." well that's "fitting" per se, but it still doesn't quite capture the aura of me! Cause I am not even like a bitch...mmmmkay? Not a bitch at all, I am nice to every soul I ever encounter! Yes on freaky, I will own it. Stalker? Um I don't know...not quite sure because the federal definition of a stalker is that I would "threaten, intimidate and attempt to harm." I hope I am not perceived as doing that, and I never did that federal definition at all. This is just a super weird circumstance in general...I guess maybe I would label me:
"Um...Annoyingly Persistent Opinionated Psychedelic Female Freedom Fighter with An Ever So "Slight" Magnetic Pull From the Universe Which Must Align For Her in Just Such a Way That She is Fabulously Wealthy And Truly Loved By All the Soul(s)She Loves."
There I have it...LOL...I'm not just a freaky stalker bitch or a hot mess! And I will be getting some more humility cleaning in the AM! Thanks GOD! All my no's just might turn to yes's! Or at least give me a "we'll think about it!" But what the heck I keep rollin along on any answer...so let's just leave God in the drivers seat and see what happens. I am just really hoping that I can see my life in a new light and stop being pissed I am not an ultrasound tech or a city official by now...I can only be me...and me is one crazy ass writer! Um. Annoying too, and don't forget it!
So I am mowing the lawn and someone in a white truck goes roaring by...ooohhhh attitude it must be Adam! I've seen a bazillion white trucks and they all "could be" Adam, but never are. I never see him...its like we live in a damn metropolis! This could have been any dude showing off to a girl mowing, with big boobs in a tank top...but must have been my Adam!!! And since he revved his engine he is still mad! I hope not. He could hate me for all I know...I really don't know. He could wish I would curl up and die...not be so vocal about what happened. I just think it is worth telling is all...and since I've tried 50 million other ways to make money and everybody tells me "no"...this is what I am left with! Its worth a shot. And God certainly keeps it interesting lol!
So the root of my humility is based on something I talk about constantly...which is my resentment for my drive to not be poor, and have to clean houses and such...how much education I have, because I was the little girl that was too smart and gonna be a doctor. This is so deep seated in me..."give me back what I earned God!" "I worked so hard to get ahead!" "Is this really someone else's shit I am cleaning up right now?" "How did this happen?" "Why?" "No one will give me jobs in my field because I am a felon." "They say I am not qualified to be a secretary in Radiology...but I have an ultrasound degree." "NO NO NO Miranda! No we do not want you...your're not enough...you're just a felon." "And a bonus we don't care about how you got it!"
I have attempts in a million different directions in the past five years. But today God straight up told me that I needed to thank Him for every single person that told me "no!" If I had become a real estate assistant (oh yes I have been a realtor too) for someone else's business...would I ever write? If I was answering phones in a radiology department how much would they appreciate my episodes...they are not gonna think it is cool!!! I will just get fired...I don't fit where I used to fit! I cannot not do the things I used to do...I am never gonna be a standard operator of an ultrasound machine and sit in a dark room with sick people all day...and I say YAY!
Because today in that meeting I realized that by me pushing through the "root of my humility" and cleaning those damn houses, because that is where I am at, God is gonna fix those resentments in me that keep me bitter and yelling at the world "GIVE IT BACK TO ME ME ME!" I think He has something far greater in store for me and I just believe that all those "NO's" I got were for a purpose. Maybe things far better than I can even imagine or anticipate. There is a reason that I never stopped writing in four years. There is a reason I am not getting back my old life...it wasn't the right design...wasn't how God needed me...and the life I have now is far more exciting, unusual and marketable for a movie lol.
Adam telling me "no" at the time, was absolutely a God thing. And when people say to me I should hate him and that he is a bottom-feeding-scumbag-asshole that just did it to hurt you? I fukn say "no he's not." How the hell have I been that strong? I just have to believe there is a bigger plan in all this than pain and rejection. People come at me, laugh at me, give me advice on the matter and its is just not relevant to what I got going on! "You should hate him." "Why do you even ask how he is doing?" I've heard it a lot. A whole lot of naysayers up in this bitch. And it must be for a reason besides I am only crazy, and behaving wrong and stupid....I am a little bit of all those things, but I am a whole lot of other things that powerfully contradict those labels. I don't even think the term "hot mess," describes me.
I don't know if a "hot mess" does things like get fabulously wealthy overnight and throw her clothes in the dumpster because they will be the next hottest trends? Lol. I don't know if "hot messes" ditch their car in another town and hitch hike back, because they wanted to feel what it feels like to hold a sign, and stick out a thumb...oh and the car was gonna come back a 1969 Dodge charger? I don't know if another "hot mess" would get naked with a spirit of the dead and play that scene out in the lock down? Oh it was damn real too!
I just don't know what Hot Messes really do? I am super curious...this definition of a "Hot Mess?" I've been called a "Freaky Stalker Bitch..." well that's "fitting" per se, but it still doesn't quite capture the aura of me! Cause I am not even like a bitch...mmmmkay? Not a bitch at all, I am nice to every soul I ever encounter! Yes on freaky, I will own it. Stalker? Um I don't know...not quite sure because the federal definition of a stalker is that I would "threaten, intimidate and attempt to harm." I hope I am not perceived as doing that, and I never did that federal definition at all. This is just a super weird circumstance in general...I guess maybe I would label me:
"Um...Annoyingly Persistent Opinionated Psychedelic Female Freedom Fighter with An Ever So "Slight" Magnetic Pull From the Universe Which Must Align For Her in Just Such a Way That She is Fabulously Wealthy And Truly Loved By All the Soul(s)She Loves."
There I have it...LOL...I'm not just a freaky stalker bitch or a hot mess! And I will be getting some more humility cleaning in the AM! Thanks GOD! All my no's just might turn to yes's! Or at least give me a "we'll think about it!" But what the heck I keep rollin along on any answer...so let's just leave God in the drivers seat and see what happens. I am just really hoping that I can see my life in a new light and stop being pissed I am not an ultrasound tech or a city official by now...I can only be me...and me is one crazy ass writer! Um. Annoying too, and don't forget it!
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