If you can handle the high you can handle the low. Oh my I understand why so many people that are mentally ill are addicts! Please bathe my brain in serotonin until it turns to acid...enjoy the trip hell yeah! Like to feel good, like to meet dead souls at lakes...like to be higher than the sky...like to feel like a Goddess! Love being a freak show but only when I feel good! It was easy being sober! Didn't need shit to help my head stay right!
Up, up and away! I didn't even know what bipolar really was when I was drinking. I self medicated it. I didn't know depression til my divorce. I'm not depressed now just exhausted, tired and cleaning that house today was not fun! I realize that unknowingly I use my energy levels to stay positive and keep my happy because I am an addict! I also don't see anything wrong with having energy and feeling good...it just gets really confusing!
I don't think I can stop it...I think it is spiritual and something that has to be worked out in me...but damn it's hard! I lost two girlfriends over this one. One I had had for five years and one for two. Not even a word to me. I can't dwell on it...I am used to it. And I remember how happy I was in heaven the first time because God told me that everyone who had ever left me was gonna come back. I was strapped down and they gave me shots and tears of relief were just streaming down. Everyone, even my cousins and that's a promise from God to me. One day everyone will understand!
God must have built me for this life for a reason and I am so much tougher than I have ever known! How much easier it would be to go to the other side I know is better? Go be with Jake? But I am suppose to be here living this damn complicated life!
And I am tired and how long will I be tired? My kids are gonna be here on weekdays the rest of the summer...and I want to keep them happy. But those boys have seen me all sorts of ways and love me reguardless.
I know because of my four years I can stay sober no matter how I feel cause I went through a lot of shit then too. I'm glad I know I am that strong.
I sent off some writing to a few other places today. And I cleaned a house for three hours. I guess I pushed through it. Maybe this is not how I prefer to feel...but this is just part of the dealt hand. Yes I handle the high...yes I can handle the low.
Amen.
Up, up and away! I didn't even know what bipolar really was when I was drinking. I self medicated it. I didn't know depression til my divorce. I'm not depressed now just exhausted, tired and cleaning that house today was not fun! I realize that unknowingly I use my energy levels to stay positive and keep my happy because I am an addict! I also don't see anything wrong with having energy and feeling good...it just gets really confusing!
I don't think I can stop it...I think it is spiritual and something that has to be worked out in me...but damn it's hard! I lost two girlfriends over this one. One I had had for five years and one for two. Not even a word to me. I can't dwell on it...I am used to it. And I remember how happy I was in heaven the first time because God told me that everyone who had ever left me was gonna come back. I was strapped down and they gave me shots and tears of relief were just streaming down. Everyone, even my cousins and that's a promise from God to me. One day everyone will understand!
God must have built me for this life for a reason and I am so much tougher than I have ever known! How much easier it would be to go to the other side I know is better? Go be with Jake? But I am suppose to be here living this damn complicated life!
And I am tired and how long will I be tired? My kids are gonna be here on weekdays the rest of the summer...and I want to keep them happy. But those boys have seen me all sorts of ways and love me reguardless.
I know because of my four years I can stay sober no matter how I feel cause I went through a lot of shit then too. I'm glad I know I am that strong.
I sent off some writing to a few other places today. And I cleaned a house for three hours. I guess I pushed through it. Maybe this is not how I prefer to feel...but this is just part of the dealt hand. Yes I handle the high...yes I can handle the low.
Amen.
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