Ok so in a recent post I said that my experience with psychosis just made me happy...that was only half the truth. For as happy as my trips to heaven are, I also go to hell. What goes up must come down. I keep thinking that the journey is over when I go to heaven...its all worked out in my psyche...the whole damn story...I am not a the lowest germ in the pit of hell, I have been rescued. I have seen evolution in the Garden of Eden in visions for real in a heaven psychosis, which were used to scare me in a hell psychosis a couple years ago.
So I have been hearing hell the last couple nights...just briefly. Last night was worse. I hear them yelling at me...can't make out what is being said and I don't want to listen. Its scary. In the past I get catatonic to the point I can't even put on my own shoes...can't do anything because I am so afraid. This is the stage where I am told to pack and presumably my mom is saying pack to go to the psychward and I think I am needing to pack for heaven...well I did that in 2013. Its like dammit I know I go to heaven in the end why do I still need to go to hell?
So I am hearing this at the meeting. I need to eat that will help, so I say to Big Rick I am leaving. I get in my car and I am shaking...I don't want to go to hell, I just like heaven...want to be done with hell. The song "Even if You Don't" by Mercy Me is on. Its basically like "even if you don't save me, I will still praise you God." This makes me shake and cry and I sing along. I get home...I am scared that I am gonna be scared of my surroundings because they always turn against me. SheRah is making me jumpy cause she is hyper and happy to see me...I eat some Raisin Bran...I hear music bells while I am peeing. Generally creeped out.
So I get in bed. I am hearing it...I am praying for strength and asking God why again. I audibly hear a woman's voice say "we need help." I say well what can I do? "Unlock your door for the Safety Issue." I immediately know this is a trick because I've been tricked by hell in my nightmares all my life. Then I hear "Jake and Adam's souls are in hell and you need to help them." So basically I thought ok I am prepared for this...I've been fighting hell in psychoses and nightmares all my life...I am just gonna pray for courage for whatever I have to go through. I prayed and calmed down. I turned and laid on my right side and looked at my "Nehus" wrist tat. When I was in "The Garden" laying under the pink sheet I found with the spider, I stared at my wrist tat and it changed letters into other words. Much like when I see writing on walls in psych I am not allowed remembrance of what these words say at this time.
So as I was staring at my tat, my hairs on my arm started visibly growing...there is just something about my freaking hair! Only the black hairs on my arms grew...not the blonde. I have black hair on my lateral arms, and blonde on the interior. I remember this happening in psych too...and I think it is is Jake Black "liking on me" making my black hairs grow, and making my white witchy hair come alive with snakes. Jake the snake. My tat only made me think of "US" United States.
Yesterday God asked me which one I would choose...you know which man? I said do I have to? I don't want to! And then I had a vision of them standing at the alter and they were freaking blending together!!! Jake was short...I like tall! Lol...Jake was a clown, social, football player. Adam is an affectionate craftsmen and super intense...and just like in 2013 when I went to heaven I absolutely had Adam on my mind, and when God was removing my scars to be married I didn't know who was gonna be at the altar...it was a surprise! If God can blend genetics and create soul ties then maybe there are pieces of everybody all over the globe and it is like a puzzle that I am getting to figure out! And I am helping! My life matters! And maybe I don't have to feel so guilty about having two soul mates...like its so hard to explain loving two men equally! And come to think of it Bart was one too. He committed suicide a few years ago. And Ryan...he is so depressed he wont come out of his parents house or talk to anyone for years. So sad! What a trip if the ones I have been a magnet to were to serve a purpose? All addicts! Addict sons...Sham sons. This makes sense to me gosh darnit!
I was in gifted and talented in elementary school for a reason!!! I think part of the reason I don't remember words I am given in psychosis is it suppose to be an unfolding mystery for me that I have to live out. Its exactly like my dreams. In God's timing was the topic last night at Westend. My life is exciting! This is for a purpose and I bitch about not seeing the world at all...well I know from visions that I will get to do everything that I ever wanted to do and see everything I wanted to see...I just have to keep my faith. Plus I see all kinds of things that not everyone gets to see. This is a tough boat to row. I want to make a movie, but I got to not do these kinds of things in my own strength and listen to the ebb and flow of life. I know that God wont make me clean houses forever...he is just trying to teach me things...and more things...and more things..about who I was created to be.
I read this the night I went psychotic working at the Assisted Living facility. Jane always teases me at the Greenhouse and calls me "somebody." Like "somebody" has got to do it...go water those plants "somebody." Lol this made me freak out because I am the kind of somebody that will "do" anything!
That’s Not My Job
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.
I feel good this morning. My boys are coming and I am hoping that we have a fun week. I was able to get some TANF money that should be here tomorrow...and food stamps. I am feeling someday I am gonna be blessed beyond measure...and like maybe everybody is, I can see it coming down the crack pipe, that all this pain and all the tears are gonna get wiped away. And maybe my beliefs don't strictly conform to the Christian bible anymore...and I just think that is because God loves all his children the same whether they could figure out him exactly or not. Whether they could put words to miracles or have a pen, or a laptop to keep track of personal accounts of God's magnificents. Whatever savior figure is ascribed to it is still ultimately about trust and faith and love. And we are love. And God is love. And God Loves All. And even if I am hella wrong and just a pscyho in a science based world...I am still gonna praise my "Imaginary Guy in the Sky!"
So I have been hearing hell the last couple nights...just briefly. Last night was worse. I hear them yelling at me...can't make out what is being said and I don't want to listen. Its scary. In the past I get catatonic to the point I can't even put on my own shoes...can't do anything because I am so afraid. This is the stage where I am told to pack and presumably my mom is saying pack to go to the psychward and I think I am needing to pack for heaven...well I did that in 2013. Its like dammit I know I go to heaven in the end why do I still need to go to hell?
So I am hearing this at the meeting. I need to eat that will help, so I say to Big Rick I am leaving. I get in my car and I am shaking...I don't want to go to hell, I just like heaven...want to be done with hell. The song "Even if You Don't" by Mercy Me is on. Its basically like "even if you don't save me, I will still praise you God." This makes me shake and cry and I sing along. I get home...I am scared that I am gonna be scared of my surroundings because they always turn against me. SheRah is making me jumpy cause she is hyper and happy to see me...I eat some Raisin Bran...I hear music bells while I am peeing. Generally creeped out.
So I get in bed. I am hearing it...I am praying for strength and asking God why again. I audibly hear a woman's voice say "we need help." I say well what can I do? "Unlock your door for the Safety Issue." I immediately know this is a trick because I've been tricked by hell in my nightmares all my life. Then I hear "Jake and Adam's souls are in hell and you need to help them." So basically I thought ok I am prepared for this...I've been fighting hell in psychoses and nightmares all my life...I am just gonna pray for courage for whatever I have to go through. I prayed and calmed down. I turned and laid on my right side and looked at my "Nehus" wrist tat. When I was in "The Garden" laying under the pink sheet I found with the spider, I stared at my wrist tat and it changed letters into other words. Much like when I see writing on walls in psych I am not allowed remembrance of what these words say at this time.
So as I was staring at my tat, my hairs on my arm started visibly growing...there is just something about my freaking hair! Only the black hairs on my arms grew...not the blonde. I have black hair on my lateral arms, and blonde on the interior. I remember this happening in psych too...and I think it is is Jake Black "liking on me" making my black hairs grow, and making my white witchy hair come alive with snakes. Jake the snake. My tat only made me think of "US" United States.
Yesterday God asked me which one I would choose...you know which man? I said do I have to? I don't want to! And then I had a vision of them standing at the alter and they were freaking blending together!!! Jake was short...I like tall! Lol...Jake was a clown, social, football player. Adam is an affectionate craftsmen and super intense...and just like in 2013 when I went to heaven I absolutely had Adam on my mind, and when God was removing my scars to be married I didn't know who was gonna be at the altar...it was a surprise! If God can blend genetics and create soul ties then maybe there are pieces of everybody all over the globe and it is like a puzzle that I am getting to figure out! And I am helping! My life matters! And maybe I don't have to feel so guilty about having two soul mates...like its so hard to explain loving two men equally! And come to think of it Bart was one too. He committed suicide a few years ago. And Ryan...he is so depressed he wont come out of his parents house or talk to anyone for years. So sad! What a trip if the ones I have been a magnet to were to serve a purpose? All addicts! Addict sons...Sham sons. This makes sense to me gosh darnit!
I was in gifted and talented in elementary school for a reason!!! I think part of the reason I don't remember words I am given in psychosis is it suppose to be an unfolding mystery for me that I have to live out. Its exactly like my dreams. In God's timing was the topic last night at Westend. My life is exciting! This is for a purpose and I bitch about not seeing the world at all...well I know from visions that I will get to do everything that I ever wanted to do and see everything I wanted to see...I just have to keep my faith. Plus I see all kinds of things that not everyone gets to see. This is a tough boat to row. I want to make a movie, but I got to not do these kinds of things in my own strength and listen to the ebb and flow of life. I know that God wont make me clean houses forever...he is just trying to teach me things...and more things...and more things..about who I was created to be.
I read this the night I went psychotic working at the Assisted Living facility. Jane always teases me at the Greenhouse and calls me "somebody." Like "somebody" has got to do it...go water those plants "somebody." Lol this made me freak out because I am the kind of somebody that will "do" anything!
That’s Not My Job
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.
All I am saying is I don't think our painful lives are without reason. I think we all have soul mates whether we get to spend this life with them or not. We are not in chaos without a pattern and ultimately it serves God's purpose. He hides love and strength in our souls which many believe we do not have. God is science and math and anatomy...and so he chooses to let me see my black hairs growing and one day have them on my head and the next day not. I believe in the afterlife and I am down for this one helluva amazing ride! Blending the souls of who I love from their shells...I LOVE THE THOUGHT!!!
I feel good this morning. My boys are coming and I am hoping that we have a fun week. I was able to get some TANF money that should be here tomorrow...and food stamps. I am feeling someday I am gonna be blessed beyond measure...and like maybe everybody is, I can see it coming down the crack pipe, that all this pain and all the tears are gonna get wiped away. And maybe my beliefs don't strictly conform to the Christian bible anymore...and I just think that is because God loves all his children the same whether they could figure out him exactly or not. Whether they could put words to miracles or have a pen, or a laptop to keep track of personal accounts of God's magnificents. Whatever savior figure is ascribed to it is still ultimately about trust and faith and love. And we are love. And God is love. And God Loves All. And even if I am hella wrong and just a pscyho in a science based world...I am still gonna praise my "Imaginary Guy in the Sky!"
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