I realize tonight that I need to slow down and focus on taking care of myself. I need to buy some groceries and clean my house and slow the fuk down! I spazzed out in the meeting tonight because of my nerves which are in my body and surprised me when I started sharing but instead of bowing out and saying I will pass with that I forced myself to share. I said I would rather have my eye stabbed out than to feel this feeling...and it was always a good reason to drink. I don't think it has to do with my confidence level or being scared...although that is the feedback I get. It's always been my nemesis and is a physical sensation and it makes my voice sound weird. It took me back cause it's been awhile since I have shaken uncontrollably while talking at a meeting. I had good things to say tonight and I guess I fukn said em. Not even Eve Rising can be badass all the time!
So then cork board brain that I am I think it's still a good idea to go to the Laurel Streetdance my home town tradition on the 3rd. I nab up a sober dude and we meet out there. Wrong. Stupid. I am physically uncomfortable tonight to the ninth and I think I am gonna waltz in to a scene I haven't been in in five years and be cool? And why I call this grown shit is I am home! In my parents basement on Laurels epic party night and my 20 year reunion! Wow! Just wow! People do change! It's not my scene! I don't want to talk to people and I didn't force the situation. I have never turned down an invitation to a party...I am the girl that closes down the bar and heads for the after hours cause I cannot get enough ego food for my own head. And tonight I went in used the bathroom, assessed the scene and made a grown ass decision that I wasn't gonna put myself through that!
I do not feel healthy today in my body...I have a clenching headache...sweating like a pig...anxiety in my chest and smoking like a chimney. I stayed up modeling til 3 am drinking red bull. I'm not hungry. And I don't think I can handle another crossover anytime soon. I am wiped out. My house is a mess...and this is just the opposite of who I was from January to May...and I am so Goddamn sick of not having consistent energy level a or motovation. Or to even just eat a balanced diet. I do not understand why my brain won't fukn just take care of me the same way all the time? I am frustrated and I am sick of making poor health decisions like drinking two red bulls and staying out til 3. I can't!
Crossovers are interesting and all...but they suck the life out of me. And they are killing my neurons! It's really really hard. I take my meds but I need to step up my game if I actually want to live and live independently.
Got to be super careful right now. Be gentle with myself and take it easy...is that such a hard concept for me to grasp? I wish I could just sleep for a couple days and nap around but I can't do that unless I am in a depression! And I haven't been depressed for quite some time...I wonder when that will happen?
And Dragons family does a big show on there land every third. They spend thousands on big fireworks and we have gone the last three years...I am prolly hearing them go off from my parents basement. I asked if we could come since I work for Jane and I was told it would be too awkward for Dragon. I get that but I kind of felt loved like family so it's rough. I'm gonna work at the greenhouse again next year...so yeah it's just hard losing your position some where cozy and warm.. I haven't really missed Dragon himself though...it's more of the family feeling. Jane is like a mom to me. Anyway shit happens. Grown shit.
The end.
So then cork board brain that I am I think it's still a good idea to go to the Laurel Streetdance my home town tradition on the 3rd. I nab up a sober dude and we meet out there. Wrong. Stupid. I am physically uncomfortable tonight to the ninth and I think I am gonna waltz in to a scene I haven't been in in five years and be cool? And why I call this grown shit is I am home! In my parents basement on Laurels epic party night and my 20 year reunion! Wow! Just wow! People do change! It's not my scene! I don't want to talk to people and I didn't force the situation. I have never turned down an invitation to a party...I am the girl that closes down the bar and heads for the after hours cause I cannot get enough ego food for my own head. And tonight I went in used the bathroom, assessed the scene and made a grown ass decision that I wasn't gonna put myself through that!
I do not feel healthy today in my body...I have a clenching headache...sweating like a pig...anxiety in my chest and smoking like a chimney. I stayed up modeling til 3 am drinking red bull. I'm not hungry. And I don't think I can handle another crossover anytime soon. I am wiped out. My house is a mess...and this is just the opposite of who I was from January to May...and I am so Goddamn sick of not having consistent energy level a or motovation. Or to even just eat a balanced diet. I do not understand why my brain won't fukn just take care of me the same way all the time? I am frustrated and I am sick of making poor health decisions like drinking two red bulls and staying out til 3. I can't!
Crossovers are interesting and all...but they suck the life out of me. And they are killing my neurons! It's really really hard. I take my meds but I need to step up my game if I actually want to live and live independently.
Got to be super careful right now. Be gentle with myself and take it easy...is that such a hard concept for me to grasp? I wish I could just sleep for a couple days and nap around but I can't do that unless I am in a depression! And I haven't been depressed for quite some time...I wonder when that will happen?
And Dragons family does a big show on there land every third. They spend thousands on big fireworks and we have gone the last three years...I am prolly hearing them go off from my parents basement. I asked if we could come since I work for Jane and I was told it would be too awkward for Dragon. I get that but I kind of felt loved like family so it's rough. I'm gonna work at the greenhouse again next year...so yeah it's just hard losing your position some where cozy and warm.. I haven't really missed Dragon himself though...it's more of the family feeling. Jane is like a mom to me. Anyway shit happens. Grown shit.
The end.
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