Well fuddlesticks! I am on my second pawn shop laptop of the day and got home and I am simply too intimidated to write a piece for a magazine, so here I am with my daily easy blog. My car's ac is busted so I tried to recharge with a gallon of water and some deodorant...I guess I am still recharging. I really think this mag is a good chance to have my story noticed. I guess I really need to be proactive and promote myself outside of Billings with and with FB friends. I don't know if I am just having alcoholic thinking...but at this point I really do think something real kooky movie like goes on with me! I do know from all the people I met in Warm Springs none could identify with what happens to me...got me feeling purty special and all.
I was also thinking how I really open myself up for judgement and ridicule and "suggestions," and how I really don't require any of it. And most people don't say anything at all! I actually think I like that! Cause I was talking to my old sponsor Connie and I was like people never say shit to me about what I write and like up to 300 people read it daily, but no one asks me questions or makes comments and I am pretty sure I get talked about, but not to my face. My God I am just like a Kardashian, lol! Don't need no feed back lol.
I understood this best the other day when that gal on FB called me fat and lazy and dumb. Oh and she also said its been three years since you got your felony and no one cares. I said I would pray for her and forgave her for not understanding. I also offered to meet her by the school racks, cause she was being a cyber bully. I guess if my psychosis hadn't continued the story for the past three years I would understand why she would say a stalking charge is nothing to brag about...etc. And yes build a bridge and get the fuk over it...duh I totally would. But that is not what has happened with this at all. I think I have had 10 psychoses about Adam and the spiritual realm giving me knowledge on the subject. One about Jake. An average hoe may say she loves someone and oh then he broke her heart and she had to move on, and why can't I grow up? Face facts he's really just a loser redneck asshole? Maybe I should just delete all my proof from my head of who I am with some shock therapy? Maybe the fact that a month long trip to the bottom of the pit of hell when I was 18 prophecying what happened at 34 is nothing to be interested in and I should just fukn relent and put on my McDonalds hat and call it good?
I'm sorry but I don't feel like crawling in a hole to die anytime soon. It is hard being me, and Connie said no one in AA understands that you are spiritual and they aren't ready to hear it. So again I am suppose to hide my beliefs and I do have to go to meetings to stay alive! I said in the meeting today that the easier softer way for me, is to drink me away! It is so much easier not to feel everything and just be clueless! So think how strong I have to be to stay away from booze! My life was so much simpler with alcohol! But I was not real. And I think the real me has a lot more power!
So I rarely hear peoples opinions...and when I get a suggestion like "concentrate on knowing who you are." I just have to giggle a little! Just giggled a little more. That process gets only slighty difficult! Just a hair! Because I astrotravel to other realms of exsistence! Of course I am confused and inconsistent! When you spend a beautiful day in heaven with snakes in your hair playing hide and go seek with a dead man...that day you might want Jake! And then the next day when you are crushed cause it wasn't real you might decide the one that helped you pack for your first trip to heaven is really "the one!" I am telling you my life is not easy! I couldn't be solid if you paid me a billion dollars! But I do my best! And I do my best to stay in the reality that is acceptable to normal people! Even though it is painful! You know the reality where I am disabled and fat and lazy and dumb! Its like a fukn lobotomy here really.
Its the reality where I know Adam fukn hates me and will never show up at my door. ITs the one where I have to swallow pills everynight and get stolen from by friends. Its the I can't take care of my children full time and they don't know why? Its the reality that makes another person with mental illness say something like "I'm not as bad as you." And at the same time judges say to me "your illness is not that bad?" Super tricky my shit is.
And you know what else that woman said on FB? She said I was a terrible author! Lol..I don't care if I wrote like a two year old, the story God gave me for my life is amazing and interesting and cannot be duplicated! Writing whether people think I am good or not is not why I do it!!!
So really I am coming to terms that there will be all sorts of opinions, some valid...some ignorant. Some suggestions that are impossible for me to attain. I am active...I am a go getter and unless I die from a traumatic brain injury from all my hallucinations or become a vegetable (yes they gave me that good news) I am probably going some direction in my life of value...and whether I know that on this plane of exsistence or the next, I am completely satisfied with the life God chose for me!
I was also thinking how I really open myself up for judgement and ridicule and "suggestions," and how I really don't require any of it. And most people don't say anything at all! I actually think I like that! Cause I was talking to my old sponsor Connie and I was like people never say shit to me about what I write and like up to 300 people read it daily, but no one asks me questions or makes comments and I am pretty sure I get talked about, but not to my face. My God I am just like a Kardashian, lol! Don't need no feed back lol.
I understood this best the other day when that gal on FB called me fat and lazy and dumb. Oh and she also said its been three years since you got your felony and no one cares. I said I would pray for her and forgave her for not understanding. I also offered to meet her by the school racks, cause she was being a cyber bully. I guess if my psychosis hadn't continued the story for the past three years I would understand why she would say a stalking charge is nothing to brag about...etc. And yes build a bridge and get the fuk over it...duh I totally would. But that is not what has happened with this at all. I think I have had 10 psychoses about Adam and the spiritual realm giving me knowledge on the subject. One about Jake. An average hoe may say she loves someone and oh then he broke her heart and she had to move on, and why can't I grow up? Face facts he's really just a loser redneck asshole? Maybe I should just delete all my proof from my head of who I am with some shock therapy? Maybe the fact that a month long trip to the bottom of the pit of hell when I was 18 prophecying what happened at 34 is nothing to be interested in and I should just fukn relent and put on my McDonalds hat and call it good?
I'm sorry but I don't feel like crawling in a hole to die anytime soon. It is hard being me, and Connie said no one in AA understands that you are spiritual and they aren't ready to hear it. So again I am suppose to hide my beliefs and I do have to go to meetings to stay alive! I said in the meeting today that the easier softer way for me, is to drink me away! It is so much easier not to feel everything and just be clueless! So think how strong I have to be to stay away from booze! My life was so much simpler with alcohol! But I was not real. And I think the real me has a lot more power!
So I rarely hear peoples opinions...and when I get a suggestion like "concentrate on knowing who you are." I just have to giggle a little! Just giggled a little more. That process gets only slighty difficult! Just a hair! Because I astrotravel to other realms of exsistence! Of course I am confused and inconsistent! When you spend a beautiful day in heaven with snakes in your hair playing hide and go seek with a dead man...that day you might want Jake! And then the next day when you are crushed cause it wasn't real you might decide the one that helped you pack for your first trip to heaven is really "the one!" I am telling you my life is not easy! I couldn't be solid if you paid me a billion dollars! But I do my best! And I do my best to stay in the reality that is acceptable to normal people! Even though it is painful! You know the reality where I am disabled and fat and lazy and dumb! Its like a fukn lobotomy here really.
Its the reality where I know Adam fukn hates me and will never show up at my door. ITs the one where I have to swallow pills everynight and get stolen from by friends. Its the I can't take care of my children full time and they don't know why? Its the reality that makes another person with mental illness say something like "I'm not as bad as you." And at the same time judges say to me "your illness is not that bad?" Super tricky my shit is.
And you know what else that woman said on FB? She said I was a terrible author! Lol..I don't care if I wrote like a two year old, the story God gave me for my life is amazing and interesting and cannot be duplicated! Writing whether people think I am good or not is not why I do it!!!
So really I am coming to terms that there will be all sorts of opinions, some valid...some ignorant. Some suggestions that are impossible for me to attain. I am active...I am a go getter and unless I die from a traumatic brain injury from all my hallucinations or become a vegetable (yes they gave me that good news) I am probably going some direction in my life of value...and whether I know that on this plane of exsistence or the next, I am completely satisfied with the life God chose for me!
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