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I was an inquisitive little girl...a quite extraordinary book worm, and talented at most things I tried.  I was athletic, a cheerleader and very smart. Unfortunently at 15 my virginity was raped and I turned to alcohol and pot to cope with my insecurities about being a female.  When I was eighteen I had my first bipolar psychosis.  They said it was drug induced and it lasted over a month, and that I may never come out of it. During that time everyone in my life became against me and their words all twisted to point me out as the most evil woman to ever walk the earth.  This was my loved ones and friends, and they were telling me that I carried the seed of evil inside me and that I was the biggest whore to ever roam the earth, and it had always been inside of me...this pure evil.  This was a lonely sentence in "hell" for I was the only one that had to go.  I desperately read Revelations in the bible, and that was about me too...and there was no escape from this unless I had a soul mate and I could pack items meaningful to me to get to heaven.  I tried to find things that made me worthy, but everything I looked at reminded me I WAS the darkness.  And I did not have a soul mate that I knew of at eighteen.  This was terrifying and left me mostly catatonic and motionless in fear it was the apocalypse and I was in judgement...I was hospitalized for the first time and the doctors notes said I appeared to have the IQ of a five year old.

I returned to school in a zombie state after Christmas vacation in 1997.  I didn't really understand the ramifications of what I had been through and what it would mean for my life.  I went to college. I continued with my drinking and felt very "normal," until it happened two years later.  Again the same scenario, but in a different city with my aunt and uncle. I could see people leaving in soul pairs...leaving me behind in hell.  I heard people partying on a cruise ship slandering me for my evil ways and taunting me.  I felt my ovaries exploding one by one in like a countdown at a church event with my aunt...and the gymnasium we were in was Nazi Germany, for the "lost and found' represented the dead.  I also remember everything in her house turning to snakes...candles, the pattern on the floor, chair railings...and again I could not pack and I could not find a soul mate.  I was hospitalized and a woman said to me while showing me pictures of her sons..."why do you kill all the good men."  Later in life I have found out why this meant so much to me, and I visited "hell" twice more before getting sober in 2012.

In between these episodes I was driven and highly successful.  I had lots of energy and a positive attitude.  I made my way in the medical field in radiology and was put through ultrasound school.  Shortly after ultrasound school I was married and had my first child.  I worked for the City of Billings on the Mayor's Committee on Homelessness, when ultrasound didn't pan out for me.  Long story short I was divorced for my illness after having a psychotic episode while five months pregnant with my second son.  More drinking led me to meetings where I met the person I would later be assured was my soul mate.

We had a short fling.  Six weeks that are unforgettable to me.  I felt electricity when he passed me a coin, and the way he hugged me was something I had never had.  The alcohol and the rape had anesthetized me from understanding what good touch felt like. I had never been made love to in my life...I never knew what I was missing.  I would however have awful nightmares in his bed that would make me scared of him so I would get up and leave.  We broke up because of something I was doing at the time that didn't fit with his mantra, but I didn't recognize his effect until a month later.  He wanted me to stop texting him, but I was in love.  And I didn't completely know why at the time.  His last kind words to me were "take five months and see if your life gets better."

A friend said to write to him if I missed him and work on myself.  So I began doing that daily...like a very long letter.  I wrote about my life and sobriety and my dreams.  I told him everything and I didn't give it to him...and I would see him at meetings and just fall more in love.  The way he walked, the way he talked...the way he stared...all of it.  I was like a magnet to him.  Absolutley something I had not experienced since junior high and it made me indescribably happy, and it felt so romantic to be writing to him daily. And I analyzed why right in my writing, without even really understanding "why him."

A few months went by and I would occasionally text him. I went to his house and knocked on his door, he opened it and I said sweetly I was in love with him and could we just talk?  No he was calling the cops.  He said I was breaking and entering and this is how he got the restraining order.  Id never been to court before so I was nervous and a six month order was granted.

What happens next, eight days later...is pretty much the most joy I have ever felt in my life!  I was home and he had given me an ipod for Christmas, and I had stolen his prison tshirt one night,,,and there was a Frogtape container with nails in it he had left from helping me hang a picture.  I put these things in a pile...just a simple pile with a card for him.  And suddenly it was the apocalypse again and this time I was not evil...I was the most sought after princess that had ever exisisted!  I put his picture on Facebook and found everything I had ever needed right there in my little apartment to get to heaven. Everything that had meaning to me I put into a crate and labeled it with our birthdates and that it was a million dollar love story!  I still think it is, but I have trouble convincing other folks.


My Family noticed my posts on Facebook and grew concerned.  I had announced he was my soul mate with his picture. My first trip to heaven was indescribable...and I went to the ER and there I got to go back into my mother's womb and hear the truth about me from God.  And I have scars from being ran over by a car and I saw them being removed right before my eyes.  I was getting ready to be married in heaven and there I was in a ER.  This is where I began having memories of past lives.  And I spent a month this way, hospitalized twice...and I texted him seven times that month and that is how I became a felony stalker.

I was put in a mental health treatment court for two years that didn't know what to do with me.  I have had 10 or so psychoses since, some in heaven, some in hell.  It is very spiritual. It teaches me a lot. I question my given diagnosis.  I am still that inquisitive little girl.  But now a lot of what happens to me is beautiful.  I am passionate about things I have never been taught, and have my own belief system based on what I understand to be spiritual emergence. I have confidence, self esteem as a female...and now I can say that I truly know what love is.

The man is scared of me which is unfortunate.  There is a lifetime restraining order in place.  I loved writing so much that I published my letters to him as a memoir in 2016.  I keep a blog that details my journey with this and all the miraculous things my mind does.  It feels supernatural and like a really good movie and I feel blessed to have an interesting life here on this earth!  I have also become violent on a couple occasions while in the spiritual realm and it does not look pretty, and is difficult to explain.  My story line comes from somewhere else and I have become ok with that, if that is what God wants from me. However my reputation is not what it once was and I am a double felon.

But still, if you had spent your life going to hell, a trip to heaven feels out of this world!  I wouldn't take it back...it means so much to me this journey and the faces and places...and I can't afford vacations but God certainly gives me adventures!

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