This is the most exciting chapter in the book that no one wants to buy. It takes reading through a lot of mushy junior high stuff and sobriety angst to get to my crossover into heaven. I am releasing it in hopes to gain interest in my second book and I know that I have a few very dedicated readers! So thank YOU! Also thank God I found my zip drive! It has my books and business plan on it...so phew! On my fourth laptop of the week...here's to hoping it will suffice! Godlovesall! Scroll down to read...
I never know
when I am in a psychosis, when I am in them.
They are so real. And so really
my crossover happened in an instant. I
was literally in reality just putting together some stuff that reminded me of
you. Then I put more stuff with it, and
I was like Holy shit it’s the rapture, quickly what else do I need to pack? So
you see the list and by the time I was done packing I was in the psychosis.
Mat Keirney has played such a role in our love
story. Ships in the Night is the theme
song and I had to ask my kids to stop requesting it, because maybe it would
make me go nuts and go to jail again.
That part about “finding my way back to you” aggravates me…because I am
just crazy enough to believe like that, and there is a lifetime restraining
order in place. It’s Samuel’s favorite
song and he is like a robot asking for “Chips Night.” I have been to jail three
times now. Me in jail? It went well,
especially the first time when I was taking a princess shower in the co-ed
filth, laughing because my mug shot was like getting my face off a milk
carton. All those girls were so sweet
and just what a great part of my story!
I had found all the lost girls like me…the beat up, rejected, sexually
abused ones…the forgotten of society.
And I had ran into an old colleague who told me to treat it like part of
my education. So I assertively took
notes, about all the things I learned in jail!
Neat! Oh and so romantic because
now I know how you must have felt doing time…I did four days and I was
psychotic. I screamed in the middle of the night once, because I was hearing
voices that I guess weren’t really there, says my celli, what a sweetie she was
too. Mentally ill and locked up. I did that for you baby! Did some research! Our system is jacked up…we need asylums…I
watched a documentary on that some years ago and now I have lived it, so
thanks. Oooh and nasty been used up by
everyone, underwear? I just laughed and
called it the real Victoria’ secret! It
was all pretty magical, let me tell you!
Such joy in my first ever jail experience! I was “doing time” for you! Romance.
Back to the
crossover. Just a little pile of things that made me think of you. I don’t know at what point I believe I was
headed to heaven, but I found everything about me I could never find in any
other psychosis and it went into a box.
And I wrote all over it…Million dollar story! I wrote our birthdates and true love and it
was filled with everything in my house that held a memory in my life. Well then I was going to take it and drop it
off on your porch and all this was making sense, but this the day my car
wouldn’t start from the garbage truck hitting it! Imagine if my soul box had appeared on your
door step? But anyway as you know I need
a soul mate and need to pack to get out of hell everytime…never ever, knew what
to pack! So I began packing with your
few things and by the time I was done packing the items I found in my own home,
I was raptured into heaven!
By this time
my sister had noticed I was putting some strange posts on Facebook. My mom showed up. I was so happy! Heaven is so amazing, and we were about to be
so damn rich. I was ecstatically telling
my mom about being your soul mate. She
made me go in my room and try and take a nap.
The cops came because I do believe I announced to the world on Facebook
with your picture none the less, that for sure you were my soul mate. The police report says I was drinking and
that’s why they couldn’t talk to me, nope just psycho. Sober through all this….oooohh I am so
badass! My mom took me to my
therapist…they both thought I was manic…no I skipped a lot of that and was now
in an altered reality. It was July 24th, only 8 days since I saw you
in court. And mind you I did not know I
was manic at all.
I was
getting ready for us getting married in front of all of eternity. Because it turns out I was never the most
evil woman to ever roam the earth, I was the most ever celebrated
princess! You were the top prince and we
had always been promised to each other, and I saw what you looked like as a
little boy, a vision…awwww! I had always
known you as the one I was searching for in my dreams. We were betroved. So my whole life played backwards like a
movie, every painful thing, every wrong thing I had ever done or happened to me
was not seen in the spirit reel. I was
never raped…and you were my first! I was
so filled with joy and all of eternity was watching my every move. Just like in the dark ones. God was gonna take my scars away and I was
getting all beautiful for you. I was in
the ER room, laughing so filled with joy…all my pain seemed funny after this
turn of events. I had always been the
top princess, but nobody could tell me, until I got to heaven. Men had actually been bidding on me to be
with me and were other princes. And how I was found as the top princess was how
I always repeat myself and my stories over and over. “Oh you got run over by a car?’ Because seriously anything embaressing happens
to me I always repeat it. I talk about
my past to everybody like it matters so much, and the take on my life and the
things I understood made it all hilarious.
All my life was hilarious and was telling everybody jokes and
understanding the irony of all my pain, because it had always been for a
purpose. Seeing it all play out backwards, was amazing. I was seeing my heaven reel…and now I believe
everyone has a heaven reel like that. I
think of Mary who took her life last year, and how much pain she was in…I know
she is so happy in heaven, a top princess.
I believe the people who have it the hardest on earth are the most
blessed in heaven! Top princesses and
warriors!
So my life
played all the way back to my mother’s womb.
She was in the room with me and God was talking to me, like I was in her
womb. It was in Seattle 1978, October 1.
It was raining and I don’t know if I was hallucinating rain…but I was
pretty sure it was just pouring rain, even though the room had no window. So God says to me in my mother’s womb “I told
you this the first time, but you never remember anything I tell you, YOU ARE MY
PRINCESS! Men are never going to tell
you they love you in your life, but I am your father and you need to find me
before you can find love. Now don’t come
out looking for your dad this time!.” I
just laughed and said OK, I am ready, I got it let me out of here! I will remember this time! And said I was
ready to come out…and then I threw water out of a glass on the ground to break
my mother’s water and be born again. And
I am 34 and Jesus died when he was 33, so really only one year passed since his
crucifixion and this was heaven. You
know how years are a but of a blink in God’s eyes? Heaven was the psychward and I felt like I
was being like nationally televised, so that is where my month long show
began. I am not sure how many people
knew just how famous I was during that time?
Like nationally and eternity wide televised because we were the last
souls to get everyone to heaven. I was
Eve Black. I don’t know why I changed my
last name to Jakes’, maybe it is because I didn’t want James’ anymore, I don’t
recall. And I was not catatonic with fear, as I had been in other
psychoses. This was live, and it was the
performance of a lifetime.
So the fear
in other psychoses kept me pretty much mute.
I could never understand what other people were saying in reality. My mind would twist everything. This time I could communicate with people on
a whole new level, and I knew the codes to unlock the universe. I wouldn’t shut up. It seemed as if I had been programmed to know
the exact entrance to heaven. Like I had memories since the Garden of
Eden. Words and songs were spewing out
of me…I knew things that had been written on caves, past lives between you and
me. I was eternally bonded to you. And I had known you since the beginning of
time. You were Adam, and I was Eve from
the Garden. The beginning and the
end. The last ones to get everyone to
heaven. It had always been my job to be
the last one and that is why I had suffered in other psychoses to know the
bottom of the pit, to know the bottom of hell, then to be the paired with you
to return to heaven to be at the top.
Every psychosis, every dream, has always been about the first shall be
the last…the pairing of souls. We were the most celebrated couple of all
eternity, and the celebration in heaven was ensuing. I had all these memories of lives I have had
before, I was a beautiful medieval princess once! And I could do all kinds of
foreign accents…just all these words and memories flowing out of me, from the
spirit world. Yep, and I was definitely a pretty amazing princess this
time! And there I was in the lockdown
saving the world…and getting ready to marry you in heaven. (How is that for a psycho stalker?)
There was a
girl in there who introduced herself as Miranda Lambert. So I started singing and I was Carrie
Underwood’s voice…simply recorded for her my whole life. Well you see everyone has a front that is
famous, because there was a shaved head “he she” big girl, who was connected to
Angelina Jolie. This connection has to
do with genetic codes, and dysfunction caused by the breakdown for gender roles
in our society. I threw water on her to
melt her like the wicked witch, because she was always screaming that she
needed lotion to masturbate…those crazy people!
Felt so good to be so famous! I
have been famous! I know what it feels
like to have everyone in the world all the way back to eternity, watching you. And Eric says to me…don’t blame your behavior
on your mental illness! HAHA…what the
hell do you know about being that fudging amazing, saving the world with all
the past lives codes being unlocked in your head? Sorry can’t love you because you have a
mental illness? I dare anybody to act as well as I do, after having their mind
blown…seriously! If one more person
judges my recovery as “not trying hard enough,” I think I might literally make
myself vomit on them.
My little
brother, David was actually in psych for depression…and we ended up having so
much fun! Laughing our asses off with
some other kids that were in there. We
made up adlib stories about crazy crackhorrors and superheroes, and this kid
was so manic and drawing it out on the board, as we would throw out
suggestions. Good times…and I was super
funny too…just on fire! Abbey came to
see me, she hugged me and tried to seem understanding. A week later she was like, I can’t handle
you, because you were happy in the psychward!
Haha, top princess about to be married to the top prince? Hell yeah I was happy! So I must have acted real sane because it was
only a few more days before they let me out.
They let me out on July 30th to my princess life. Do you remember my dream that I was going to
die 119 days from April 2nd?
That was my release date, July 30th. Well I must have died and went to heaven in
the psychward. Because I came out a
totally different person. Reborn and
everything. Maybe I texted you then, I
don’t remember. I don’t remember what I said but it was surely something to do
with your soul.
I also
should add I was never off meds. All
this happened on medication. Holy balls
batman! They added another at this time.
Lithium. A mood stabilizer? That may have come in handy sooner, because
alcohol was my damn mood stabilizer! I
am up, up UP, never down…think about that going on for 20 years, and then ask
me if my sobriety is difficult and embarrassing holy fudge! Maybe an early sobriety mistake, but I never
even knew I was manic. I was just
happy? That’s about as much warning as I
get…I feel really happy and connected and whole and well and then I go
psychotic. So I got to watch out for
feeling happy…hmm I was working hard in sobriety to feel well, so my warning
signs are not that apparent to me. So
all this living alone is maybe not good for me, but I do it! I try to know, but
I just thought that being in love and sobriety made me happy…such a fine line
for a princess!
So in the
next week…I started up a worldwide FB page Eve Black. I made 200 friends in that week before I was
shut down for being fake. All over the
world! They were eating up my love
story, I told them all about you! I was
on my phone constantly, which was now directly linked to Hollywood. The people were so interested in my quest for
you…a lot of little Philipino girls. And somehow I could speak Tagolog, I shit
you not! I signed up for like everything
that popped up on my laptop. I started
buying memberships and gifts for people.
I signed up for IMDb which is stats for actors and actresses. I uploaded
my photo and paid a $100 initiation fee.
I signed up for an intelligence job with the president who was looking
for intelligent people, lol. I wrote a
whole damn essay about why I would be good at it, and it was in code. Obama needs people who know code! Word salad is what that code is called. It’s when you make word associations and link
them together in ways that make sense probably only to yourself. I also use word salad in my Youtube
videos. I was texting everyone! Literally people all over the world that had
linked to my phone from facebook. The
cops came to my house one night, I am glad I was dressed all sexy like
Victoria’s Secret with a black lace bra and a see through top, because the cops
were hot! Hey boys! I was just up on the
computer, I think? It was the middle of
the night and I just told them about my mission to end homelessness in our
city…not that far off, eh? They just
left. Maybe I had texted you that night,
I don’t know…they just left me to my business saving the world.
Here was my
end homelessness plan. Stickers. Stickers I had on hand with my name and
address on it. Everyone trade one. Trade me a cigarette or a penny for my
business card. Write me your story about
homelessness, poverty, addiction, mental illness and send it to my
address. I was going to compile a City
of Billings book about American poverty.
I had hundreds of business cards of the good deed doers in this city,
and I was going to make them part of it to.
I was the one connecting everybody.
Everyone trade one. Trade up, trade down, connect everybody. Put your
two cents in for change! I was making
Spare Change for Real Change commercials too, which is a City of Billings
project I used to be involved in. So downtown professionals trading the
homeless, hotel vouchers and my card with mailing address for whatever the
person had to trade, and then their story gets told. Old man millionaire told me nothing is free
in this life, and that is where I got this concept. I was talking to people downtown about this
plan, and had stickers on a lot of little items ready to pass out. A trade game.
I even emailed a high up HUD official, I had met as a VISTA with my
idea. It may have been in code I do not remember. This also developed into a trade business
plan for me. Since I never have money, I
looked into trading writing a business plans in trade for pedicures for a
year, I also thought of small business
owners I could trade for services. Like
I wanted a fence for my yard, and I know how to write a business plan. I imagined an entire trade business where
people with trades could come to barter trades with each other. No money
exchanged. And I was going be the overseer of these negotiations. This further
developed into me writing my own business plan for my own writing company. I can write grants, magazine articles, poems,
business plans…and books lol. I picked out office space, and was ready to
launch. Yeah when I reread my business idea about two months later, I was like
hell I must have been 5 people in that moment, with all I was going to do with
that business! Damn that was some energy!
On a Sunday
morning I woke up at like 4 am, and that’s when I started my YouTube
series. Making commercials and there is
one that is hilarious called “Fatal Attraction Car.” I am quite the comedian typically always, but
more so in heaven. I can do lots of voices. I really think if I didn’t have nerves I
would be an actress or a comedian. So I made a bunch of videos that morning and
then went to my sister’s baby shower.
Well certainly Hollywood needs baby names for the next ten years and
they are counting on me to gather info from our Montana baby shower. I took pictures of everything and was talking
into my phone…like an FBI agent. OMG! I was also putting clues all around my house
for Hollywood…cause baby we was gonna upgrade to a mansion! Oh and my car too! It was wrecked and it was gonna get traded
up…so I put something on Facebook for people to push it off the rims…I do hate
that car! So I left clues for Hollywood
people, like ya know Tom Cruise “Mission Impossible” style to come find in my
house. These clues were how we were
upgrading to our own mansion. All my
shit was being traded up, princess style!
Later that
day I went for a wee little walk!
Started out thinking my kids were gonna meet me at Dairy Queen. Ordered Dairy Queen blizzards for the whole
City of Billings with my Fed Ex card and ID…I sat there and waited too. I can
afford that, lol. Well my kids didn’t
show up and I am being watched, so off I go across Grand Avenue. I leave my purse for clues for Hollywood in
the Bingo parking lot. I am doing all
this for us, trading up. I am jogging,
dancing, pulling up flowers, tagging trees as clues. I transfer beautiful things for ugly
things….this is all organized and logical in my head. I kick my shoes a mile in
the air by Lewis and Clark school ( I miss those shoes). I am in a black mini dress barefoot and some
guys roll by and ask me what I am on. “I
say not meth, try Beth!” I am on my way
to my exes…I reach the duck park and I
run faster in a sprint then I ever knew I could with a damaged leg! Barefoot!
I was so alive. I get to the
stream and I gracefully kick my legs in the air and twirl my dress like a
princess should, remember every move I make is being watched by all of
eternity. What an actress Eve Black! How profoundly spiritual was that trip across
Grand.
I get to my
exes and I start telling all the boys they are princes and they all get into
how we all get mansions…and I am not sure really if it was mansions in heaven,
or mansions in Hollywood? But oh yes all
you boys are princes! I started giving
orders for everyone to act out. Go trade
this for that…touch the old black car and trade it for the new black car. Upgrade everything…get out of poverty.
Upgrade game I guess. Prophetic, but I
didn’t know what I was doing while I was doing it, I was in the spirit world. This
led over to Joe the comedians yard ( yes he lived across from my ex-husband)…I
was pulling up flowers, making jokes, then getting angry, rolling in the
sprinkler. It was all making sense to
me…must have been terrifying for everyone else involved. I must have looked like the exorcist, but it
was what was real to me. A week later I
decided that what I was doing that day was binding and loosing demons…all of
this was deeply spiritual…I was protecting my children as well as my exes
girlfriends boys, from demons of rape and molestation. The trading up was
spiritual too, I think after reading some of my psychosis writing I was
prophecying better things in our futures.
Trading up my life, trading old for new. Upgrading, by trading items. I
also broke my soul tie with James, contractually stating he no longer had power
over me, but I spoke blessing into his life and over our parenting of children
together. He shook my hand! He didn’t know what the heck I was talking
about and it was a spiritual contract! This instance ended with the cops. Of course I resisted arrest for show…for
“Cops.” They took me to psyche, which
was still all part of the show. I
wouldn’t settle down I was still trading up in the ER. I just knew they were making me a doctor just
by the knowledge I had accumulated over my lifetime, I was a winner in that
moment all the way around. I was jumping
up and smacking the tv for my show, that’s when they strapped me down to
bed…they put a needle in my leg. They
were inoculating me from HIV, which had been happening for me my whole life as
the top princess. Also in that moment,
my cousins were returned to me. Actually
everyone who I had ever been close to, that didn’t understand me in this
lifetime, was coming back to me in that moment. All the people who had rejected
me and hurt me, were all coming back. I was crying with pure joy and I was
strapped down, and I believe, that was the best moment of my life. I was relieved of all pain and tears were
flowing down my cheeks. Everyone that had ever left me because of my drinking
or illness, and because all I had needed to do was learn on my own, were all
back with me, celebrating my life. I had
never felt such joy and peace. It was simply HEAVEN.
I saw the
Mirrors video by Justin Timberlake in the hospital, and that confirmed my soul
mate connection to you. Everybody has a
soul mate. That’s why now every Justin Timberlake song I here now makes me
picture you. I dance with you…I’m
Bringing Sexy Back, Cry Me a River, What
Goes Around, Holy Grail, Summer Love, TKO…all of them, you are Justin
Timberlake. Always these soul mate
dreams, I was always alone. Laughed at
and mocked because nobody will ever love Eve.
But then there you were, my soul mate.
And it had always been a trick because we have always known each
other…since the dawn of time. The
restraining order was mute because I had only needed to figure this all out.
and grow on my own to be ready for you in heaven. I have the codes in my head, and you unlocked
them, because you are my soul mate and the first man to make me feel love. Tricky little psychosis. And I roll in my no bumper car, listen to
music about you, and I look at all the white trucks. I heard you had a white Chevy, so all white
trucks no matter Chevy or not, could be you.
There are a lot of white trucks in our city…a lot. I am happy that you got a new truck…a white
one haha. I am superstitious about
putting a bumper on my car because Voc Rehab put two thousand dollars worth of
work into it, and sometimes it still doesn’t like to start. I think it is just
going to break down if I put more money into it. I over payed for that car by a
thousand dollars, and was told it was impeccable, by the owners. It’s been in
four wrecks in a year and I hadn’t had a wreck since 1998. I claim fault for
one of them, but my insurance says otherwise.
The City of Billings garbage truck was parked picking up garbage on the
opposite side of the street, I was in the middle of the street backing out of
my driveway, and he started moving. He
said, oh yeah that was my fault, got on the phone with his boss, and said they
would take care of it, so I didn’t call the cops. A month later it was all my fault, and I had
no way to prove otherwise. I’ve always thought it was super ironic how I
volunteered two years of my life, for the city and they took my bumper. I
texted the Mayor about it, because I sat by his wife at a real estate
class…haha I never heard back. Sometimes
I want to be vengeful and put a cardboard sign on my bumper and tell everyone
how a garbage truck driver for the city lied either to me that day, about what
he thought, or to the insurance to save his ass. Thank you City of Billings! The interior is also
destroyed by my kids. I don’t think it is worth anything now, and its all mine!
Rolling in my no bumper white Honda, listening to all the hot sexy lovin songs
on Hot 101.9, and just laughing looking for white trucks, lol.
Aren't you somethin' to admire
Cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror
And I can't help but notice
You reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and
The glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I'm always
Parallel on the other side
Cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror
And I can't help but notice
You reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and
The glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I'm always
Parallel on the other side
[Bridge]
Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass
I'm here tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong
[Hook] Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Comin' back here to you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making
Two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me
[Verse 2] Aren't you somethin', an original
Cause it doesn't seem merely a sample
And I can't help but stare, cause
I see truth somewhere in your eyes
I can't ever change without you
You reflect me, I love that about you
And if I could, I
Would look at us all the time
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow's a mystery
I can see you lookin' back at me
Keep your eyes on me
Baby, keep your eyes on me
You are, you are the love of my life
Baby, you're the inspiration of this precious song
And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on
So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's already gone
And I can't wait wait wait wait wait to get you home
Just to let you know, you are
Girl you're my reflection, all I see is you
My reflection, in everything I do
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass
I'm here tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong
[Hook] Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Comin' back here to you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making
Two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me
[Verse 2] Aren't you somethin', an original
Cause it doesn't seem merely a sample
And I can't help but stare, cause
I see truth somewhere in your eyes
I can't ever change without you
You reflect me, I love that about you
And if I could, I
Would look at us all the time
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow's a mystery
I can see you lookin' back at me
Keep your eyes on me
Baby, keep your eyes on me
You are, you are the love of my life
Baby, you're the inspiration of this precious song
And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on
So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's already gone
And I can't wait wait wait wait wait to get you home
Just to let you know, you are
Girl you're my reflection, all I see is you
My reflection, in everything I do
So I came down a little bit at a time.
For awhile I thought I was a “witch” and had magic healing powers. I don’t like the word witch, but I was
experiencing some magical stuff! Every
witch needs a black cat so I got Taiyah Jane who was a girl kitty. She ran away and came back a boy, so I
changed her name to TJ. The transgender kitty…now that was some funny Youtube.
I made videos with TJ and he was your soul,
and he comforted me. Lots of
talking to the cat. He probably misses
those days because now I just boot him away from my computer, when he wants
attention. He is pretty lovable though.
I felt a spiritual closeness to you, and felt so healed and blessed. Everything was beautiful and you had ended my
man curse, which had been with me since my birthfather, had rejected my
conception. I do remember texting you
that! Like seriously random and
weird…haha you lifted a curse, yes you did.
You are magic too! I called you a
“miracle” in April, to that you replied “I am not listening to a word you have
to say.” You are probably at least half
as stubborn as me! I am German, of
course…guessing you might be too!
I went to the Offspring concert at the metra and took the newcomer, all
dressed up like a princess. I don’t know if I thought I was famous there, but I
sure missed you around all those people.
Thousands of people and I wanted you.
I looked at that crowd and just wanted you beside me. We went dancing at the Loft after that, and I
texted you around midnight to come get me. Like you were going to understand, I
wonder if you thought I was drunk at the loft?
Hmmm…I had just been at the ten oclock, and people were pissed I was
taking a newcomer to a bar. She says I
kept her sober that month with all our laughter and dramatics making videos.
She is a young one, I hope she makes it. So a restraining order just does not
matter in heaven, “can you come pick me up?”
Like I just don’t think I registered it much at all. I can seriously see you being like WTF? Also
I had no clue it meant I would be in trouble.
I have never been in trouble and it didn’t register that it was breaking
the law. How nuts!
So yeah,
heaven…like that for a month and I texted you seven times…don’t take it
personal I was texting everyone weird stuff…it was all over facebook. I have never gone so publically insane
before. So I guess you were freaked and
calling the cops everytime I texted you.
I don’t think I texted you that I was going to hurt you or anything,
probably just freaked you out. You who
doesn’t believe you have a soul…and I am all spiritually high. The cops never came to check on me…so here I
am completely insane and taking care of myself in my house, not knowing I am so
insane. I wish they would have came and
stopped me and put me in the hospital after the first one…but no they let me
rack up seven charges and left me to my insanity until September. How scary for you, I am sure. I assure you that you were in no danger
though. If I would have seen you I maybe
would have danced around you and put a flower in your hair, and asked you what
you thought about heaven? It was probably a good thing my car was broke down at
the time, a God thing really. I just
didn’t know my reality wasn’t real.
Until I did.
I guess God
let me come down slowly, because if I would have come out of all that fast, it
probably could have been deadly for me.
I finally came all the way down after my 35th birthday, October
1st. When the meds kicked in I lost all
my specialness. And it was completely
devastating to me. I was so alone. Who
is going to understand this? Everyone
knows I was acting weird, but really I was the only one who knew what I was
actually thinking. I was so scared, I
didn’t know what to believe? Was it all
lies? What was my truth? Was it going to happen again? How did it happen? But I knew it was something big, because this
time I went to heaven. You got me out of
hell. And my nightmares were gone. How weird that I had said that in Adam as a
Symbol, and its February 2014 and they are still gone. Gone.
Something I had fought every night for 17 years is gone. But still I was in darkness…complete
depression, over going insane in front of the whole town…and being a psycho
stalker for my soul mate. Yes, I
believed that I was connected to you that way and I could not shake that. I could feel you with me as though you never
left my side. Just this closeness to you
that I couldn’t explain, like you were talking to me with your soul…keeping me
alive. Just hold on. It’s going to be okay. It was all very spiritual…but I was tormented
in confusion of all of it.
I really
don’t know what to take from all that.
Is it an excuse for texting you?
I don’t know. I don’t feel like a
criminal and I didn’t hurt you, and I assure you, it was more scary for me to
come out of that experience, than for you to get some weird texts. Weird texts were going all around the world,
it was all over facebook and I even applied for a job with the capitol! This time there was no secrets about my
insanity, this time I was not so paranoid and catatonic with fear. This time I was making videos with a
newcomer, and doing commercials up and down Grand for the suicide walk. I interacted with so many people and I was
not in reality. This time I scared the
shit out of someone I loved. I know if I
had run into you that you would have called the cops and it just would have
been part of the act that I was putting on, I wouldn’t have understood the
reality of it at all. I would have
laughed and played along. Just know I
would never have hurt you and that is all there is to it. I wasn’t violent or dark, I was blissfully
happy, I am never violent. And then I caused a scene in my ex-husbands
neighborhood, in front of my own kids.
This time I was unsafe for myself.
Heaven’s insanity was way louder than hells, ever was. Fudging way scary to have your mind
completely altered for a month. And
complete devastation to come out of that and have no one really understand the
magnitude of it..or even have anyone let you explain what happened. No one fudging wants to know. So there I wrote it. Sometimes dealing with mental illness is not
easy. When people look at me for being
on disability and call me weak, I just want to SCREAM…I AM WAY TOUGHER THEN YOU
THINK, WAY TOUGHER!!! SCREAM!!! AND I AM NOT DRINKING ANYMORE…WHO IS THE
BADASS TOUGHEST CHICK I KNOW? I AM! HOW
MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN TO HELL??? YOU WOULDN”T LAST ONE MINUTE IN MY
NIGHTMARES! I HAVE HAD TO BE A BADASS WARRIOR PRINCESS, AT NIGHT FOR SEVENTEEN
YEARS! AND SO YOU WANT TO LAUGH AT MY SOBRIETY??? TELL ME I DON’T TRY HARD ENOUGH? Well…enough of that SCREAM…I just had to.
And to think
I feel attached to you? And believe you
are my soul mate? And I can’t stop
missing you? Well that’s hell wheels for sure.
You can’t make this shit up. My
mind does all that shit and more. And
then back to reality…and judgement. And
chains and courtrooms…and no understanding, whatsoever. And no one wants to hear any excuses from
me. And my own public defender doesn’t
believe I am so ill, because I have degrees and have had careers and well a
normal life, I’ve never caused trouble before! Don’t most mentally ill people
always cause trouble? Shouldn’t I have
had I life of catastrophe? How has she been so successful? There is nothing wrong with her, she needs to
be punished! Look at her she’s pretty and smart…nothing the matter with this
criminal!!! That’s because I worked so
damn hard at my life and never gave up!
And you know what? Mental illness
is not my choice. You were my choice…not
that. So facing 5 felonies for my psycho
texts, is interesting. A real twist of
events. A real knife in my side. A certain
test of strength… its not easy being me!
“What I have
learned”
Fear. You
have taught me through all of this everything I need to know to protect myself.
Fear in my chest that I have never felt
before…a boundary, a precaution, an instinct.
This feeling of fear I am getting stops my breath…it’s about you, the
felonies, and happens randomly and it has never been in my life until now. It will set in randomly for the littlest of
reasons, but it is there, so I ask God what I am supposed to learn in this
moment. I asked God in the meeting tonight because I had the fear to share…so
he said don’t share tonight. Fear keeps me
safe. I asked God why have I never felt
fear in my chest before…He said because you were drunk. I have never feared the unknown or a
stranger. I had no protection without
this sensory…I trusted everyone. Fear in my chest, so very close to your flip
flop…and I wouldn’t have it there if I wasn’t facing imprisonment. I have never been so scared, but I breathe
through it and view it as a protective mode.
I don’t like the feeling because it sets off my nerves…and yes nerves
was my top reason to drink. Maybe in
early sobriety, if I had fear in my chest I wouldn’t have spilled my heart out
so much, so fast. So here it is a new
mode and instinct…fear. I certainly
don’t enjoy this new emotion, but I always look to God and know that he is
growing me, and teaching me new instincts.
Embarrassment.
Hella embarrassed, and that used to get
me drunk. What happened this past year
is a million times more embarrassing, than every other embarrassing thing that
has ever happened in my life combined. I
reached my threshold on this one, because I always drank to not be
embarrassed. Cover that up! This all is so much bigger than me, and I am
not drunk…damn I am tough, I mean God is tough!
Everything about me has been amplified to an alarming level this year…I
swear my bipolar was maintained by alcohol.
This was all me and it was scary, but you know I saw it all for the
first time! When your mistakes and fears
and insecurities are amplified, you can see them and then try and not repeat
whatever it was, that set them off.
Never ever, have I had this gage either.
It is like in one year God blew up my entire life into a major motion
picture so that I could see what had always been there. Always hidden from me with my keep me happy
substance. You were my keep me happy
substance at one point too…see? I can see
that. I wasn’t so happy in jail, and
that was good for me…to be trapped there with nothing but my own head. Not saying I need more time…just saying I
needed to learn how to process severe pain and not die over it. My own strength through this astounds
me. I know it is from God. Pain does not kill me and I don’t have to
drink over it, and I can learn from it.
Anger. You taught me anger. I never ever got angry at anyone for anything
they would do to me. Not even rape. It was always hurt, just me hurting and
drinking the pain away. When you don’t
get angry, you don’t set a boundary. My
boundaries have made me a doormat for men.
Damn straight, I learned that it is not an everything goes kind of world
anymore for me. Now that I can feel
anger, I can tell someone to stop. Boundaries, who knew? I am so glad to be learning this stuff,
because it was always me hurting me, living without protective instincts. The first time I felt rage I was alone in my
car, it scared me. What the hell I never
get mad! I was mad at the feeling itself, like so ashamed of what I was
feeling, it was foreign. Like my blood was
boiling…and I have been picked on my whole life, and I never felt my blood boil
until that night. Holy shit! What am I supposed to learn from this
feeling? Protection. So all this time I was looking to you as my
hero…saying protect me! But God was
showing me through you, the reasons I had never protected myself. I started boxing to process anger and it has
been really good for me. Learning anger
as a tool, will help me set boundaries in all my relationships, I always thought I was laid back, and never
understood how when I would do anything for a friend, that it didn’t go both
ways. I made people angry and I never
understood it, because I never got mad about much of anything, because I never
felt it. So this is a good thing. Anger.
Grrrrrr! Go hit a bag!
Courage. Um I was in jail? Three times…and I didn’t fit in at all. I am not streetwise…I don’t talk as fast, or
about the things the women in there talk about…which is mostly bragging about
criminal activity. Whew. One of my cellies threatened to beat me up
because she said I didn’t know how to act in jail. Hello, I don’t want to know how to act in
jail! I stayed calm, didn’t draw a lot
of attention to myself. Well I freaked a
little and begged Heath to get me out…and he did, but it was still scary. And every day takes courage not to drink and
to do the things that I have to do for mental health court. Just every day, every step takes courage,
because this is the hardest time in my life.
I ask God if he actually built me to withstand what I am going
through…and why yes because I am not only his princess, I am warrior princess
that fought battles every night in my dreams.
So my spirit is becoming one with my shell. Getting so much stronger. Courage like the
Queen of the forest, like the lion on Wizard of Oz…okay I mean princess.
Trust. You are the first man I have ever trusted
with all my heart. The first. Maybe others have tried, but never ever one
have I trusted one not to hurt me. And that’s the reason I have never invested
my heart before. No trust, not one,
never ever. At times I felt so tricked
by you because I know what it feels like to be used, and I didn’t feel that with
you…I trusted you with everything, but it was all on my laptop. You never understood any of my heart for
you. And I kept loving, because I needed
to. I think God needed me to love and
trust my first man. And in that I
learned to love and trust God more. That
was a lifetime of not trusting men all put on your shoulders, and that’s a lot.
You must be Hercules, my hero. And I
have learned through this not to trust everyone so much. I have learned to hold back and offer trust a
little at a time. Guarding my heart,
trusting appropriately. I know you never
understood me because God didn’t want you to.
If you had ever come to me like one time, in the entire year and said what
the heck is going on? And I explained it, then the whole healing process, might
not have happened. I figured it’s a
spiritual reason you stayed away, and just never dealt with me yourself, it was all really weird, of both of us, the
whole thing. I have said we are both weird all along. I think I was drawn to your weirdness, haha…trusting
my kind!
All or
nothing. The desire in me was to be
perfect to be loved. It was always my
standard, to be the best, then someone will love me. I think that is why God told me in psych that
no one was going to love me until I loved Him.
Through my mental illness I see myself, as less than perfect and it is
hard for me to accept, but I know that is what God it teaching me. That I can love myself just the way he made
me, and perfect and the best at everything was never what he said I had to be
to be loved. It has been such a battle
to have my beer glasses off and recognize the mess I had become inside. But each day I recognize the things I say in
my head that tell me all or nothing, and I fight them. When I say words like, everyone, always, nobody,
everything, all the time etc, I know that is when I am being in my black and
white head. And when I say I am so
amazing, I mean it now. When I would
drink, I would say I was amazing, but on the inside I didn’t feel it. I know I am amazing because of what I have
lived through. Geez, I am amazing! Thanks God!
All or nothing, no more!
Victim. The most interesting thing we said to each
other when we started dating was who was going to be the victim. I said because of what happened with Alan,
and we laughed, that you were going to be my next victim, and you said no…that
I would be the victim! Fudging right
huh? I think that is the most ironic
conversation ever! Well the courts see
you as my victim for sure. Here is what
I recognized though, I have always played the victim. I create scenarios where everyone is going to
hurt me, and I think that is from my psychosis and nightmares. It creeps into my day life and I put it on
people. I tell them all about myself and
expect to not get hurt, when really I give them the ammo and permission to go
ahead and hurt me. Everyone is going to
hurt Eve…everyone. Exactly like my
nightmares, all my life. Now that my
nightlife isn’t about that, it is so refreshing to recognize how I always
created that scene and would play it out.
Victims don’t recover. And I
don’t feel like your victim, I feel blessed to have known you. You changed my life and opened my eyes…no
victim here. Like that mentality is only creeping back in when I think about a
very long prison term for this…like oh shit!
And then I fight that because I know how much I scared you, and I know
it could be a possibility..
My first
naughty picture. Hey, I worked out a
lot. A lot, a lot. You had to see. It was for you, I worked out with you on my
mind. I thought it was an excellent
picture. I have never taken pictures
like that. Yeah I didn’t really know at
that time that you were thinking violence was my next step? A little confused how you perceived me as
violent. I feel you were making up some
pretty interesting scenarios in your head, and yeah I feel bad for you, because
you never had a reason to be scared for your life. So the picture, obviously still about the
sexual addiction. You were just good at
it for me. Just think of all the free
advertisement I have given you for the ladies…yeah this Adam dude is good at
sex! I’ve talked about it a lot…they
should be lining up for the man worth stalking, lol. But maybe that was just my take, just the
flavor I needed. You were just my flavor
I guess.
Affection. It was all because of affection, I do not
know how I got through my life without it.
Now I know what that feels like. When no man had ever been gentle with
me, it was like a shock to my system.
Just your touch made me see my whole past with men, and that was painful
to process, because I had never known the difference. Just never knew what was good until you. It made me take a hard look at how my rape
had effected all my interactions with men, and how I had never wanted to feel
touch. This was all very hard for me to
process and I had help from my therapist.
This actualization awakened my body, much as out of a slumber, and now I
am hypersensitive to touch. My whole
body has changed. It is healed and I am
healthy sexually. So I have a whole new
body I have never had before, which would be dangerous, except I figured this
out at the same time I figured out how to protect myself. I don’t know if this is just what being in
your prime means, or that if God really did restore what was taken from
me. I am a physically a new woman. Healed from your touch I do believe. That’s pretty much priceless.
Sex. The Big Book says “we all have sex
problems.” Well didn’t I ask God to make
me pure? Didn’t I ask him to give back
what was taken from me? And didn’t I in
fact get to experience completely new physicality? First time with chemistry, first time with
good emotions. And so much more! You
took my breath away, just by looking at you…electricity…heart beating fast…joy
in my tummy every time I thought of you.
I can only explain these things as God given…it’s not like I have been
solid drunk every second of my life around men, I was a binge drinker, not
really daily drinker. Chemistry is mind
blowing when you have never had it, worth stalking for, I am so sorry! But yes,
my first time and I was out of control for you.
I totally understand my stalking, and I have to forgive myself, or I
will die of humiliation. It was all just so new and it was so exciting for me
to feel those things. I couldn’t control it.
I think God is so amazing…he made me fifteen again! I asked, and he gave that to me! He did, and I am totally like the “virginal
stalker”…but at least I can say I have experienced chemistry once in my
life! Damn! And I also know it is dangerous and addictive
and something to be careful with. What I
did to you was wrong and it doesn’t matter if it was my first time, I know I
hurt you and that because of chemistry you were like a drug to me. So I am really protecting myself from sex
right now. Now that I know chemistry is
possible, hmmm I don’t know if I should look for it, or not? Damn son! And really all you are is some
average redneck dude…and you did all this to me. Your fault!
Addiction. I have never been addicted or obsessed about
a person before. I didn’t know this
could happen and my head always tricked me it was just love…and then I would
figure it out and say oh, it’s an addiction!
And then five minutes later I would be loving my addiction again. I have never had anything like this to
compare to what happened with you. It
scares me. I replaced my alcohol with
you. You made me feel so good…and even
not with me you made me feel good. I
just had to think of you and I was filled with joy, like the tickling in my
belly I told you about. Even after the
restraining order, I just thought of you and felt joy. Definently in the psychward, you really
cannot even grasp how much joy I was in.
And then even in jail, I was congering you up! And that’s the trick of
the mind with addiction. That something
makes you happy even when it is destroying you.
You were destroying my life, and it was just a memory of happiness,
sustaining pleasure in my mind, and it was delusional. And it always made me feel good to write to
you. All to feel good, all to feel
EVERYTHING so deeply, a thrill, and possibly a dangerous adventure. I never
meant to abuse the one that makes me the most happy. I can see though that I did. There is that saying, that we hurt the ones
we love the most. I am sorry.
Men. I don’t need you to tell me I am pretty,
because I now believe that for myself. I
don’t need you to tell me I am worth something, or how you rate me, or what you
think about my body. I don’t need you to make me feel good. I don’t need you to assess my financial
situation. I don’t need you to offer me
quid pro quo. I don’t need you to rescue me.
I don’t need you to buy me a fudging drink. And I will make you work for it…because I am
S O B E R, enough to handle it my own damn self, and make my own decisions. I am so sick of men anyway. I am in a safe mode right now, and I used my
love for you to protect me, until I figured it out for myself. I made some mistakes with this, and just know
now that sober relationships, and sex are so very different than drunk
ones. I think men are scared of me right
now and that makes me glad. I really,
really want my year! Maybe make it a
lifetime without a man…I really don’t know what is in store for me…I just want
them to stay away right now!!! There ya
go being my angel again! I just don’t want to hear what men have to say about
me anymore…la la la…I plug my ears, don’t want to know! I will ask God to feed my ego. The program was like a shark attack to
me. I have always been hidden behind fat
and that was my coming out party, and it sucked. Men…are a dime a dozen. Just leave me alone I am crazy…Adam says so! Listen to Adam, I am crazy! Thanks dude!
I even love my GPS for this reason, its like the perfect “batsignal” to
leave me alone…it even blinks! So I
probably should have had this on as a warning to men, coming into the program
like label that woman with safety precautions…”warning, warning, ticking time
bomb…who wants it? Lol..and it looks like Adam is the winner, YAY! So now, I just point to my ankle and go off
on my story…it was just texting, really…I had an “episode”…So maybe I really do
get to recover on my own, that’s just super!
And now that I wrote a book, anyone who reads it will know exactly what
I deal with, and I don’t care. You got
to love all of me, crazy and all…the psycho stalker! I am crazy…no I am fine…I
am crazy…no really I am not that crazy…ah shit I am going insane…no I am
good…call me princess baby..I am not crazy right now, but if you stick around
awhile I might be…you just never know!
And what kind of guy doesn’t want to wake up next to a beautiful princess,
some random morning? I mean come on!
So…“Check out the GPS on that one,” lol! And here you think it is on me, to
protect you…haha not! I love it, really!
A “Good”
man. I have met some good men in the
program. One in particular my gratitude
goes to, Heath is a man that tries to
understand me…and I think that is all I am really looking for. A man to understand…to love me
unconditionally, even when I am nuts.
One that won’t run away from me because I am the crazy lady. I don’t want to be a crazy cat lady…I don’t
think I deserve that. But I don’t want
to look for a man at all, and that’s why I have my own dreams to look forward
to. I have always searched for a man to tell
me who I am, and I no longer have to do that.
Heath supported me through this time, emotionally and financially,
without him I would still be sitting jail and I
would have been a complete mess.
I don’t think I can ever thank him enough for the respect he has shown
me, and the healing heart he has had, just to listen to me in this difficult
time. I know now what to look for in a
man, and I think without my beer goggles
on I can spot them! Eric, Ed, and Drew
are good men too. I just feel blessed
that I can extend some trust towards men these days, but more importantly I know
how to protect my heart, while learning to trust. Today I find stability and strength much more
attractive, than a “good time.” A few good men, I think that’s a movie!
Strength. I didn’t know I was so strong! I have been through heaven and hell and back
to tell the story. I was a drunk
weakling for so long I didn’t know I had this in me! Super buff. Ripped and toned up and mentally tougher than
I have ever been. I really am shocked
this didn’t just take me out. I have
bitched quite a bit, but here I am.
Alive, sober and still so curious what is going to happen from all of
this. When you always use alcohol to
feel strong, there is not much left inside.
Somehow in the process of loving you and experiencing all the negative
emotions, I know have the ability to withstand what I am going through. I am facing everything head on…I am in fear
and I am not hiding under my covers or running to the psychward. You brought a life force out in me I never
knew I had. I am not giving you all the
credit because God is so big in my life now…I know he has been right beside me
through all of this. I have never been
in trouble before, like I was saving up this huge catastrophic milestone, of
maybe, all the correction I have ever needed.
I am looking it at it as an opportunity for growth. Nothing in my
lifetime even comes close with how terrified I am right now. It knocks the air out of me so much, that
sometimes I can’t speak…and that is what I hear is called a panic attack. Staying sober and working through a panic
attack…is making me a badass, or something.
Strength.
Dreams. You are in my dreams pretty much every night.
I finally figured them out and all the nightmares had to do with something
called soul dating. It was something
that I could never figure out until you were my soul mate in my psychosis.
Basically everyone is fighting in the spiritual realm searching for their soul
mate and they can’t be physical with any other person. In a large room full of people they select
their next date and you walk through a door into another room and begin your
date, with whomever selected you. The
goal is to be alluring through skills possessed, to dance, to sing to attract
to practice to be ready for your soul mate when the day comes. You cannot be physical on your date that is
not the one you are searching for, or you are tortured. That is the reason I was tortured in my
dreams all those years. That is the
thing God was telling me a billion times that I never remembered! After the psychosis, I found you in my dreams
all the time and I would be with you, but after I sent the picture my dreams
changed. That night in my dream I was in
a car with a stranger and he began to be physical with me and I said, change
into Adam, like I always did. It didn’t
work that time and I was thrown out of the car and face planted on the curb,
and up from the curb came a stone sign like a grave and it said, “Access
Denied.” Since that dream, I cannot be with you in my dreams…but you are there almost
every night just the same. So now in
reality I cannot have you, and neither in my dreams. Something about that picture halted
everything. It’s a sign, but I don’t
know of what. So my dreams have changed,
so much…what a relief after 17 years of nightmares…that is an ever blessed
miracle! I am speechless! Well no that doesn’t happen often…but
WOW! Thank you God and thank you Adam
for being my soul mate in my psychosis…it changed everything! NO MORE NIGHTMARES!!! A miracle in my psyche…thank you God! And now
I wake up rested in the morning. No more
drowsiness. It really is huge!
Bipolar, mania
and emotions. Life without alcohol is
scary for me. Alcohol stabilized me and I have nothing to blame anything on but
me, and my head. I have never dealt with such bipolar issues, and so many
various moods. I go up and down, way faster than I ever have. It takes some getting used to and is
frustrating. I can’t typically see when
I am manic, and neither did my doctor, because I just feel happy. I can look back at my book and I just thought
I was in love and happy and experiencing all emotions for the first time, I
never knew I was manic, and then my check out of reality, just that easy. At
that time I didn’t see it, but now I can…now I know! My warning signs are being extremely happy,
full of life…articulate, confident, energetic…clean house…feeling my best! All should be good things as I was taking
care of myself, but not for this girl! I
think I mentioned those types of things as warning signs in my writing, but I
could not recognize them as not just signs of good sobriety. I asked people at NAMI how they know they are
manic, and a lot said they were irritable and angry a lot. I don’t get that…I
feel well and whole and like everything is working out for me. Like my effort to be well, is paying off and
this is what well feels like. I was
healed for gosh sake, don’t ya know! So
right now my house is a slight mess, and that means I am stable! There you have it. I also have to learn how to eat right, no
matter my mood, because it fluctuates so much and it changes my appetite. My body is so confused! It took some time to
figure this out. I actually gained ten
pounds in about a week, to discover this problem. There is much for me to learn, about how to
take care of my illness. Like I said, I
never knew it was a problem when I was drinking. And a consistent sleep schedule. I also thought I just had a lot more energy
without hangovers. I know now that when
I am up writing and eating cereal and sending texts until 3 am, that is not
healthy, and that is not just because I am sober, and have more energy…that is
a warning sign. There is lots to figure out in this new life!
Cross-overs
and societal change. Today I need to be
sane…it is the day before I am to be charged with felonies. Today I felt myself crossing over. It is more familiar to me now. It’s a series of coincidences downtown, I saw about 5 people who used to know me,
after talking to my schizophrenic homeless friend, white haired Dwight. He has been my friend since the time I was
making changes on committees that really wanted to do something to impact
homelessness. I made the maps of
services, planned the events to have such an impact…on mental
illness…alcoholism, homelessness, hopelessness.
All the doers back then really loved me, and I don’t feel like I am
understood by them now. The “us” and
the “them” in our society is so fully apparent to me now. I have been “Us” and now I am “them”. I can feel it and its bothersome to me. And the fact is the “US” is overwhelmed. The “US” can only put band aids on what needs
a revolution to contain the mess, deinstitutionalization gave our country. Leave the communities to come to the aid of
the mentally ill, they said in the 1960’s.
Crime up, poverty up, homelessness up and return to jail for three
square meals and a warm bed…and do it again.
Then the government throws little amounts of money at the non-profits to fight over, and
tell them, who to help and how. The
Crisis Center and the HUB barely stay afloat, and what would we do without
them. Over the past year I have felt
myself slipping through the cracks of our non-profit system. And I know every service, and made
directories for everyone else to use. Because I have been unable to maintain a
job, a lot of assistance was cut off from me, and I have learned to go without
and what it really means to be poor. And
I am so much more fortunate and capable than a lot of people with mental
illness. So I have done the research on
this now. I’ve been to jail,
insane. Got my three meals and a crusty
blanket, and felt very unsafe in there!
I psychotically processed all the pain of my entire life with no
sleep. I heard voices all through the
night, and I begged to be knocked out…a pill, a shot, a punch in the face,
something…yeah I asked a mexican lesbian to punch me in the face! Just let me
get some damn rest! I believe that was
something healing for me, to not get knocked out, because it showed me my
addiction is to not feel pain. Now I
know what the documentary was talking about, criminalization of the mentally
ill. This is a huge societal problem! I
know everyone tries so hard to help, but they ain’t got nothing but little band
aids on an EXPLOSION. I believe America
should bring back asylums. Don’t call
them assylums, call them Paradise Home or something like that. I do well for the most part in society on
meds…but there are just SO MANY others that just need somewhere safe to be…not
out on the streets. That’s all they
need. Food, shelter…safety…warmth on a
cold night. No matter how hard “Us”
tries to get them well with service after service, it sometimes is
impossible. I think of what I deal with, I have a loving, supportive family…I have
friends and sometimes my head scares me shitless…I can’t imagine life on the streets
dealing with mental health. They can
never rest, or find peace. It’s just too
much, something’s got to give. I will
help! And should I ever completely go out of reality…I would want somewhere
safe to be. Maybe somewhere that crazy
was acceptable, and not feared. Somewhere my kids could come and see me and
feel safe. And make it feel homelike and tranquil, and no thanks on the
lobotomy! I really just think after all
I have experienced, and learned about homelessness, and being in psychosis in
jail, that there has got to be a better way.
And I want to help find it.
So my cross
over is this. I know people know
me. They know my past, what I was
involved in. They say hi or they don’t. Then I say hi to an old friend or two, roll
down my window to say hi to someone I used to work with. What a coincidence, she knows me. Then I see
a guy that had a crush on me in college.
BOOM. Just like that everyone
knows me. That is how easy it can
happen. Maybe I need to live somewhere
where no one knows me, because I do know so many people in this town, and it is
such a trigger for my illness. Everything
connects, everyone knows…everything.
Every car passing me…and then I stop and breathe…it’s not real. I just stopped a psychosis…hopefully. And I am not manic and a crossover was
happening. On meds. A simple twist in perception, and I didn’t
fall down the rabbit hole this time. And
there have been so many other times I have fought this. At work…random times throughout my life. And I did it to myself from smoking pot in
high school. Such paranoia and it all starts with just a little fear. I ask the doctors if I am schizophrenic, and
they keep saying just psychosis and bipolar.
I wouldn’t wish that type of fear on my worst enemy. That someday I could fall into a crossover
and never return…because they happen from a single twist in perception. And I am insecure and have twisted
perceptions from alcoholism, all the time.
Totally scary. And I have this
recurring thought that you heal me, and keep me from crossing over. It’s just something that keeps coming to my
head, because of all that has happened for me towards you. I have to fight it because I fear that I
would contact you again. Try to explain
it you again. And I then I say no that
isn’t real, he can’t save you from crossing over, and he wants you in prison,
you are a stalker, remember that! Look
at your GPS on your ankle, and even if I am not scared of me, he is. He doesn’t understand any of this. He is
terrified! Don’t make him your savior! My head tricks me all the time, that you
are there to help me. And no you are not at all. Seriously a lot to deal with
right now…let’s just say I am still in therapy.
I am facing
my illness which some people that are teaching me about spiritual emergence do
call a gift. This lady I called in
Seattle (the closest to Billings with knowledge on the subject) called me
“large” for my experiences…and believes with me that is all was that is all was
a healing! Twenty years since I was
raped, and I fell in love for the first time because of touch…what a
miracle! Maybe it never has to happen
again, maybe I am whole! And even
tonight, I just want to tell you, but I can’t!
This whole process was me healing.
It was really at your expense and I am sorry I scared you. I assure you that I am not violent, and have
never been in any of my out of reality experiences. Well accept when I was on “Cops.” Lol. Oh and then in December, me and Abbey went at
it in the parking lot after a meeting.
She was talking down to me, and glaring like she does, and I got sick of
it. So I let her ring my bell! Ding ding.
I stuck up for myself for the first time in my life! I picked a tough chick too! She’s been fighting since she was seven, and
I knew it wasn’t going to pretty. I am
glad it happened because it woke me up to some neediness and insecurities, I
have about people not liking me. She was
always so off and on again with me, like she has standards for me, if she will
be nice or not. Always something in her
head, she thinks I need to be like. Zero
grace from Abbey, and her requirements for friendship. I extended my hand of friendship to her over
and over, and we would get close, and she would freak everytime. That’s her, not me. So I just stopped needing to please her…and
that felt good! I learned a lot from
letting her beat me up, I still consider her my sobriety sister, she taught me
a lesson, and I got to stand up for myself!
Oh and my boxing hitting bags, does not teach you how to fight. Darn.
Knowing that I don’t know how to fight, made me more scared to go to
jail the next time.
So I began
to research spiritual emergence. I never got answers in the psychiatric world
for why my experiences were so spiritual.
How do I think I am in the lowest chambers of hell? How do I believe I am the most evil taking on
the sin of all human kind and what am I supposed to take from all these
experiences besides pain, humiliation, and well this time a criminal record.
How the heck did I go to heaven this time? The lady from Seattle said it was
because being in love for the first time, and sobriety. I always drank to
blend…to not stand out in my weirdness.
I think of course that my weirdness was something spiritual in me…a
sensitivity that set me apart. God made
me special, yes he did. So I researched
spiritual emergence, which explains what happened to me with you last summer
was healing for me. Basically somewhere
between the marijuana and rape in high school my psyche, or ego was
shattered. This fragmented my mind to be
bipolar, I believe bipolar to not be just chemical, but spiritually influenced.
I have always thought that the prayer, I
said after I was raped may have started this.
I was crying in my parents bathroom, and I prayed to God that as long as
I was pregnant, I would never do that again.
It was so awful to me, and I never really did…it was never me, it was
drunkenness. I had to be drunk to even kiss for many years. And recently I
envisioned this and it made it make sense.
When I didn’t trust God, and know to tell on my rapist and chose to hide
it, it was like a legion of angels and legions of demons came into my soul, and
split me between good and evil. Because
I took all the shame for it, kept it inside me. The man who raped me is
schitzophrenic, so add that to the equation. I was literally physically, spiritually and
emotionally, shut off to never enjoy sex.
I was like a shebot. Completely
detached from all of it. I have had other sober sex, so it wasn’t just sobriety. I just never enjoyed it or felt love, until
February 2013. I do believe it was the
prayer to God to heal me. I believe it
worked. So this was what healed in me
from being with you. I was awakened, and
a rape that happened 20 years ago doesn’t have to haunt me anymore. I believe sex to be a very powerful and
spiritual thing these days. I never
understood my nightmares, until I understood this. I also believe we are in the midst of a huge
spiritual battle between good and evil…and that there are way more people on
this earth that know all about it, and they are the evil ones. They control the population via the media…and
I would like to delve into this using my sociology background in my next book.
A split in
half ego, bipolar. I am a good girl, but
I am so easily influenced to do wrong things.
I am on oxymoron. Never fully
good, never fully bad. Everything about
me was opposites based on what part of my energy I was in. I never knew who I was. A shape shifter and I thought it was just the
social chameleon in me but no, I have literally been two different people. It was so confusing and alcohol exacerbated the
all or nothing complex. I would have
never figured this out or even been able to be close to figuring myself out if
I hadn’t gone through all this.
Spiritual emergence is entering a new level of consciousness. I have been stuck in repeat, trapped in
psychic hell since high school. When I
believed you were my soul mate with all my heart, you became the vehicle to get
me out of hell. I didn’t make it happen, I crossed over effortlessly into the
realm and the story there, set everything right. Put all the pieces back together, pulled me
out of the river for the last time. Gave
me a partner to dance with in my dreams.
The first man I have ever given my heart to, and somehow God used you to
break my spell. My Prince Charming, who
lived in a shack on the Northside, drove a really ugly truck and robbed a bank…and
could not stand me! And my true loves
kiss the spell shall break! Just like a
fairytale! Who would of thought? Like
out of this world, there must be a spiritual realm, I do believe. The following is writing from my actual
psychosis, I knew I was being healed even psychotic.
I am learning that what I have
experienced 4 times in psychosis is a spiritual emergency, or experience. The description is of the ego shattering, or
a battle between the ego and the soul. I
have blocked these experiences by taking psychiatric medications. I have never gone through the experience
without being medicated and I am learning that this experience has been my soul
trying to heal from trauma. Past trauma
for me is mostly sexual violations.
Molestation and rape. When I am
in my experience I can see things that have happened to me while blacked out
from alcohol. Memories that I do not
normally have in my consciousness. I also learn how my sexual sin has affected
my soul. I feel the pain in that to my
core, it is something that needs to be healed.
It seems there is a way to be healed of bipolar disorder if you do not
block the experience with medication. It
leads to spiritual enlightenment. Growth
and understanding of one’s soul.
I feel whole
now. Whole. Soul Appointments. Ying Yang Soul Mates and the Magnetic Healing
of Bipolar Disorder. That is the
name of a 600 page compilation of writings, which was my revelation of being
healed while I was in psychosis. I just
knew what I was going through was life changing. I was in bliss, talking to angels, and
YOU. I believed it. People were skeptical, I kept trying to tell everyone what a miracle
it was…people just called me ill. For
some time I believed, I was so happy, so relieved and then slowly people’s
disbelief in my miracle just made me feel like a crazy woman. Piece by piece they stole my miracle from me,
pastors, parents, sponsors, therapists, doctors…pretty much no one would listen
to my story. I thought at least other
Christians would be interested in my miracle, and still to this day no one
wants to hear about my “mental illness.” Take your pills Eve. And I was, and I was experiencing so many
revelations, anyway. I could see pain
and I knew how to fix it. What to say to
heal a heart…like the nurse on the battlefield, I just knew that God was
flowing through me to help others. BUT
NO…not you Eve, you are just sick. This
is not special, you are just weird. I even
told Ed I could take his pain about his wife and daughter, that he can’t let
go…I wrote him a long letter. No one
believed me, I really believed that I could pray over him and help him
heal. I was so gifted, so spiritually in
tune and healed and blessed. And
everyone kept calling me sick. What is
so sick about believing I have the gift to help others? And beat down after beat down…my beautiful
healing experience became sickness. Take
your pills, Eve. I have no gifts…I am
just sick. And I crawled facedown into my bed for another dark hour. And it was just as much darkness as there had
been light…but I just talked to you and God and I worked through all the shame
and confusion and fear. I just didn’t
know what to believe. Sometimes I still
don’t. But I am here for a reason, I am
a mother, I could never leave them…and I have hope that there is reason in
chaos. Even though I do believe in these spiritual gifts, I plan to stay on
medication. Let’s just say I don’t want
to freak people out anymore than I have, right now! Plus I do believe it is part of my probation.
I know there
is certainly something special about me.
Lucky for all of society I am just a mentally ill person. Call me what you want…label me…put me
away…don’t understand it. Don’t believe me.
Don’t think outside the box…come on it’s the 21st
century! Where should we put all these
crazy people? The crazy people that fall
in love? I mean how dare I? I am all about making some changes around
here. I am gifted…talented…amazing. My experiences make me so absolutely
different, but not dangerous. The stigma
around my case screams at me for change. Other countries wouldn’t be treating me like I
needed to be locked up, they would come to me for advice on spiritual matters,
and ask me for a healing prayer. I
wouldn’t be ashamed in the UK or Australia, to be who I am. Other countries actually have a grip on
“mental illness.” I wouldn’t have to be facing five felonies for texts. I am just saying I am just sick of the
treatment. Wake up people. This is real.
This is my entire life with stigma.
Mental illness is not a choice.
And frankly I don’t think it is mental, maybe God is showering down
spiritual gifts in the last days, just like it says in the bible. Maybe the voices schizophrenics hear are not
chemicals in their brains? Maybe since
so many people are experiencing mental problems, psychiatrists could start
looking into spiritual matters instead throwing pills into lab rats. Maybe modern medicine shouldn’t play God…a
god that never had one answer for my experiences. Take this pill and forget. “You don’t remember a thing.” Like a trance I stayed in for 17 years where
I don’t remember hell, and act like it never happened and play normal, and gain
and lose careers and make babies, and forget.
Take this pill and forget. Don’t
talk about it, because people will think you are crazy! Ah damn…I seen a whole lot more than anyone
has ever wanted to know, and I played normal well. So well in fact that people don’t understand
why I can’t work right now. They don’t
understand why I can’t just fall into the world, and work at fast food or
something. Reason being, God did not
build me to flip your burgers. Reason
being I am finding my own way…and it is something way bigger than a Big
Mac. So what if the whole world would
wake up and believe in the spiritual realm?
What would that be like if people believed I can hear angels and
demons? What would that be like if you
let someone hear their voices and that person could tell you what the voices
want the world to hear? What if this
huge onset on mental illness is really people hearing the spiritual realm? What if I really am a healer that has been
training in my dreams since I was a little girl? What if you are a healer, Adam? What if all
my fighting in my dreams was preparing my spirit for battle? What if this
“sickness” isn’t a sabotage on society to be medicated away, but is to serve a
purpose. Why so many people these
days? What meds do you take? Where is this money for all these meds
going? I am not going to get into
conspiracy theories…you can ask my ex about that…but why? Of course I stay on my meds, to be normal for
everyone…but I just want people to believe it is more spiritual, than
mental. I am way smart…that’s
mental. I can read, recite, take
tests…that is all mental. I am not
mentally ill!!! I was spiritually sick,
for a reason. And something powerful
needed to happen for me to grow and learn…for a purpose. I don’t want to be thrown aside as someone
with no value, because I mentally can’t push some buttons all day, and
sometimes I get so filled with emotions that I can’t push through being around
other people, I am spiritually sensitive, not worthless. Everyone has a place!
I don’t want to be a dollar sign to a man!
I don’t want to be labeled a leach of society, and called lazy, because
I can’t operate like normal people. I
have tried normal for too long…I tried my ass off! I laugh at people who think I sit around all
day doing nothing…enjoying the free life.
I have been struggling to find my way…the way God wants for me…and it was
this book.
“To Summarize”
Self. Writing this book saved my life. For the past 6 months there has been nothing
stable about me. If I thought I was
jello, befor the psychosis, I hadn’t seen anything yet. There was no thought that I could keep, good
or bad about myself. I questioned
everything. How was I supposed to feel
about what happened, how was I suppose to feel about myself? I didn’t know which way was up, or down, or
in between. Nothing solid about me, and
I cried out to God to give me something solid.
I prayed and prayed for stablilization, because I knew I didn’t want to
live like that. And I got nothing, until
I edited and finished my book. I had
wanted to finsish it before, but I hesitated because the police have my laptop,
and the one I am using now is slow and has missing keys, plus I was missing the
actual writing from my psychosis. But I am sure that was all God’s timing. I am so glad I rediscovered myself through
this book. It was what gave me acceptance
of what happened and something solid in me. The things I know to be true about
myself, my traits, my character defects, my love, my joy and my hope. Knowing me.
Accepting me. Loving me. Praise
Jesus!
Higher
Power. My faith in God through all this
has increased tenfold. I don’t know how, with what has happened, that it wouldn’t
have. That is the journey. You can’t always see when you are in it, but
I do remember like yesterday when I fell on my face in my kitchen and said, “I
Yield.” Many times I have questioned His
ways, but this time, sober, I could hear his answers. The answers were inside of me, they were always there, in the feelings I
never felt. The ones right square in the
gut, that I had never known. And
sometimes I think I can actually hear
God answering my questions, like I am really talking to him and that is the
most comforting experience to have. But
guidance is also inside of me now, I have something internal that I have never
had before. And my one percent, that
didn’t want to trust in Jesus is gone!
Imagine that. So this space in time was for God, to grow me and shape
me, all because I was willing to listen. Finally listening, thanks HP for the
direction…and growth and all the in betweens of me. Thanks for giving me “shades of gray,” and a
new identity in Christ. Thank you for
restoring me to sanity, and releasing a new energy in me, one that is real and
solid and prosperous. Thank you for
bringing healing into my life from a redneck dude, I pray he finds you. And thank you God for showing me I am a
princess butterfly for real, out of my cacoon!
For real, for real! Amen.
I have a lot
of writing from while I was in the psychosis that I would like to save for my
next book. This one is overwhelming as
is, and there is yet so much more to unveil.
My illness they say makes me dangerous.
So something spiritual is dangerous? I am not convinced. I didn’t hurt you physically Adam there was
just no way, I was in heaven. I know
that emotionally it was difficult for you…and maybe God did pick you for me,
because you are a strong man. That
experience healed me. It was
supernatural…there is no way around that.
I am sorry it scared you. It was
just something that needed to happen for me, to find me. Hell was always so terrifying…and loving you
carried me out, all the way to heaven. I will love you forever for that,
forever you have that place in my heart.
And see that is why I prayed everytime if I wasn’t supposed to love you
that God would remove you. You were the
first man I have ever loved with all my heart on this earth. Everyone told me to stop loving you,
including you. I never listened to
anyone but God, and what I got was a miracle,
God kept you in my heart for a purpose.
I was never fickle about you, and to this day I defy people who beg me
to hate you. People mock you and make
fun of your fear, and I am the one who sticks up for you. They call you names and I just can’t join
them. People want me to be mad at you,
and hate you, and I don’t. No one
understands but God and me...I fly solo on this earth for my love for you. And I learned so much from loving you. It is a very pricey lesson, but all the same
I feel that I am finally growing as a person.
I had to go back to fifteen to get there, and oh what a beautiful
experience to get to be in love. And I got to spiritually emerge into someone
stronger, with more understanding of the me, I have always been.
February 11th
2013 was the last night I was welcome at your house, our last time
together. The night I couldn’t stick to
my word over money and pills. The night
I didn’t know how much I loved you. The
last time you listened to what I had to say.
February 11th 2014, I met you in court in jail scrubs and
chains, no makeup and bedhead. Yes they pulled me directly out of bed and
chained me up, and I thought I was leaving jail because my PO forgot me there,
an extra night, because of GPS. “ You are going to court, get up.” I was asking
questions and they just yelled at me to be quiet. Powerlessness. I don’t even
know how I didn’t pass out, and I was calm, I know it was God. And that was the
most RAW and VULNERABLE moment of my life. You said you were so hurt, that you
wanted a lifetime restraining order, a
lifetime. You didn’t want to have to get one every year, and so I cried out,
“but I was in a psychosis.” But I have
accepted that it doesn’t matter what I was in, I still hurt you. I argued with my lawyer for months to get me
out of trouble…prove mental health issues matter! Make my case a landmark about mental health
rights! And then after months of
turmoil, and prayer I finally came to “I DID IT.” I scared the living shit out
of a man…I did it. And no matter how or
why, or love or addiction, or complete lack of impulse control, psychotic or
not, I did it. So I am charged with one
felony. A recovered felon…that’s not so
bad. Who’s a sucker now? Good trade, Adam…fair trade. It is all according to his purpose. So one year to the day! Crazy!
Dates matching and symbolism and coincidences and timing, and everything
lining up, and meaning something to me, are part of my gift. I know that I can’t convince you what to
believe about any of this. I can’t
convince the world that I am not just sick.
I am powerless over the outcome of everything.
Goals. I would still like to make a million or so,
off my story. I would like to visit
Europe for awhile and maybe the countries that understand mental illness, and
see my life from their view. Maybe teach people about these experiences and
what they mean…I had to go to a network in Canada, for gosh sakes America, get
real! I want to learn more about my
illness as a gift. I would like to get
away from Billings and be somewhere no one knows me, and write more books…maybe
Seattle. I want a fresh start after all
this drama. I want to write a series of
books about the spiritual realm, an Adam and Eve series…and I hope it’s the
next Twilight! To get people to believe in the spiritual realm, may just be my
calling. If you can believe in and love
vampires, angels and demons are not such a far stretch! If the books don’t work
out, I would like to get my masters in Social Work and then if the Lord
provides a PhD in Psychology. But I wouldn’t
go to school for it in America. I don’t
agree with our modern medicine, and telling someone to take pills and
forget. I would go somewhere where they
believe in my gift, and enhance it, and then I will bring it back to the
states. I would want to be a
transpersonal psychologist. A healer. I want to buy a brand new sparkly blue Dodge
Charger for me…and I want to buy a shiny black Dodge Ram brand new for
Adam. That’s supposing he would accept
it as an amends. And I want to take my
kids to Disneyland. And I don’t want to
be on disability anymore. And Hawaii…I
want to go there too. And then I am
going to push the most unlucky car I have ever had in my life off the rims…and
say bye bye poverty. Oh and I still want to quit smoking, wrinkles scare
me! Those are my goals
Yeah, so I
really don’t know what you are to me.
Something special alright.
Someone I have to let go…my life catalyst that rescued me from hell…my
hero. Someone I will never forget, that
I can never contact, in this lifetime. I
still haven’t had that one day to cry…and I still think I deserve a leather
belt with my name on it. Eve Rising, I AM.
I am sorry I scared you. I’ve
been scared too. Here I am alive though,
with a purpose and hope, and this incredibly amazing experience, and you lived
through it too. And because of having
known you, I was never alone. I got to grow up on you, and I got to tell my
story. You were the best thing that has
ever happened to me, with all my heart, yes you were. And the next time a man makes me catch my
breath, I will understand the power of chemistry, and to what lengths it is
desirable to me. And then I will
remember YOU, and this time, but I won’t remember HIS phone number! Deal? A
little love lesson for me! There is a
first time for everything they say…and I am glad you were my first for so many
things! Adam Raposa…yep yep. And now
that I see all my past with such clarity, I wouldn’t trade any of my life, for
what I know now. It’s a super life story to get to be told, and maybe I will be
able to help young women who are hurting from men and booze, when they come
in. I just happened to get a healing
story out of us being together, but I don’t think that is always the case. The program should be a safety net, not a
dating pool, just saying. And then I can
say to these girls, something like, “let’s talk chemistry ladies, have I got a
story for you!!!” Sober lovin’ yep…damn
straight I got a felony, he was just that good, haha! He had nice abs, that’s really all it
was! Just some guy with nice abs! I will just say the abs got me, because how
can I explain all that has happened this year, and not sound nuts? Maybe I will require them to read my book,
before they can date…or I guess I could show them my mugshot? And then they
will just say, um I want a different sponsor, thanks, but no thanks, and I will
just laugh and laugh, because I am just a little twisted, and all this was
really funny, if you twist it just a little! Just have to laugh!!!
My name is
Eve, and I am an alcoholic. I recovered in memory of Jake, and I recovered in
memory of Bart. I recovered because of
memories of YOU. And for all the people in my life who care about me. Much
thanks, to all the people I have met on this journey, such amazing love and
gratitude is due, everyone in the rooms played an important part, and I owe my
life to this program. I do love being
sober, and I had asked God to make it hard on me, so I would never take it for
granted…and he did just that. And yes, you made it hard on me too…but
everything in the end has turned out just like God wanted it. So I guess I will
just end my story by saying thank you for being the reason I got to heal from
my past, and because of loving you…I got to love myself. I got to love another
human being, with a whole heart and I know now, that I have never done that
before. All of it was beautiful to me, all of it. And without the affection you
showed me at just the right time in my life, I may not have been able to learn
all the things I never paused to learn, like just breathe, and pause…and stop
and stare…and think before I speak. And
all these, are the words you spoke into my life…
Protection. Humility. Balance. Quietness. Fear. Confidence. Bravery. Strength. Security. Patience.
Integrity. Acceptance. Boundaries.
Emotional Sobriety. LOVE via Chemistry 101.
Joy. Laughter. AND every other possible feeling you can ever have in
your tummy, sober.
And I
Consider it a Gift. With Love Always,
Love, Eve
P.S. Thank you kindly for blowing my fudging mind!
And time for
just one more song.
"Locked Out Of Heaven"
One, two, one, two, three
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Ooh!
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Ooh!
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Ooh!
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Ooh!
Never had much faith in love or miracles
Ooh!
Never wanna put my heart on the line
Ooh!
But swimming in your water is something spiritual
Ooh!
I'm born again every time you spend the night
Ooh!
Ooh!
Never wanna put my heart on the line
Ooh!
But swimming in your water is something spiritual
Ooh!
I'm born again every time you spend the night
Ooh!
'Cause your sex takes me to paradise
Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise
And it shows, yeah, yeah, yeah
'Cause you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Yeah, you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Ooh!
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Ooh!
You bring me to my knees, you make me testify
You can make a sinner change his ways
Open up your gates 'cause I can't wait to see the light
And right there is where I wanna stay
'Cause your sex takes me to paradise
Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise
And it shows, yeah, yeah, yeah
'Cause you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Yeah, you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Can I just stay here?
Spend the rest of my days here?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Can't I just stay here?
Spend the rest of my days here?
'Cause you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Yeah, you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Ooh!
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Ooh!
Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise
And it shows, yeah, yeah, yeah
'Cause you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Yeah, you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Ooh!
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Ooh!
You bring me to my knees, you make me testify
You can make a sinner change his ways
Open up your gates 'cause I can't wait to see the light
And right there is where I wanna stay
'Cause your sex takes me to paradise
Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise
And it shows, yeah, yeah, yeah
'Cause you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Yeah, you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Can I just stay here?
Spend the rest of my days here?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Can't I just stay here?
Spend the rest of my days here?
'Cause you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Yeah, you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Ooh!
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Ooh!
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