So funny I mentioned that I was doing a photo shoot tonight out in the stars...the guy said he usually photographs professional models and by the way he talks it's pretty true. I had an awesome dress...very short and black and got all dolled up and shaved my mustache and such...lol! I was nervous though because he was require of me that I at least try to model for him and I was thinking that I have no clue about that and have never cared much for the girly world of fashion and beauty...don't get me wrong I like clothes and I like being pampered...but I am more into my brains than my looks. And maybe that's because I didn't even think I was beautiful until I sobered up. Like yeah I never had value in my looks...and then something about falling in love made me look at myself and believe that I was pretty. That's kind of messed up to figure that out in your thirties!
So anyway as we are driving to the shoot this dude won't stop talking about all these professional models and how gorgeous they are and talented at modeling skills. As we move along I think about how many pictures I have of myself looking corky and how many selfies it takes for me to get a favorite. It's always hit or miss. Dude is making me so nervous to not be wasting his time. I am paying him fifty dollars for the Milky Way shot. He would not stop talking and I thought this is what self absorbed means! I make very sure when talking to others that I ask them how they are doing or try to learn something about them...nope he carried the convo. I tell him repeatedly I am no model...
So turns out? I am a natural model! How weird I was so scared and then he told me a couple poses and basically said to work it and though it's something I have never even thought of doing...he said I was really good! He said because I am able to show a multitude of emotions in front of the camera and he said it's something some people who try to model can't even learn.
My shots turned out pretty awesome. I look creepy in some which is cool looking and one I look like a witch and he is gonna turn my hair green! I asked him some questions about trying it out as a plus size model because I thought that's better than being a hooker with my beauty! He says right now natural is the look they want...no hair dye and I look good with no makeup. Freckles yes!
It's something to think about. It sure would beat cleaning toilets and it would work with my illness. You look for jobs online and I would get to travel. He wants to take more studio photos and I would want to lose about 20 pounds to be comfortable. Forty pounds for an idea we discussed of me topless in a mermaid outfit when my hair gets longer and can cover my boobs. I just think that would be cool and sexy. And pertinent to my day at the lake.
Just exploring options. I probably won't do it but it is a thought. I hate how my plans get changed and I get certified in things and the they don't work out like the peer mentorship most recently. I guess I should see before I get so excited and make effort to complete things if a felony will get in way. The jobs pay cash...$200 here...$500 there....free stuff....perks. It would just be a little extra cash in my pocket and I wouldn't have to lose disability striving to be Americas Next Top Model lol.
I've always been so against thinking beauty over my brains...but I am willing to try just about anything at this point...I am sick of back breaking work and I can make up to $1000 a month and keep my disability. Its just a thought, but I get lots of thoughts but I get lots of thoughts on directions to go. It certainly doesn't use my heart like my business plan, but I wondered how well would my business go over in a town of professionals that won't give me the time of day? I guess it would be overcoming that and saying look there is a need for peer mentors to be trained and we are not utilizing the wealth of people already in recovery! And there is no true incentives to recovery as a lifestyle change...its def a problem! This also hinges on a lawsuit with the city for the start up costs. Maybe I will finally make the news??? I still find it really weird that I never get press, lol! Maybe I should go hold up a bank with a note? I wonder if its against the establishment to point out the absurdity of my charges? Oh yes I went three blocks from my house to get a coffee and saw him and said please don't be scared...that's another felony miss!
I know it is because of my mental illness. I also know that I truly am a fantasy stalker in the worlds eyes...from afar. If it was something I could help or stop from happening to me, I would. This is not typical what happens to me...I am not goo goo gaga obsessed, gonna harm him if I can't have what I want. I know it could be scary...its scary for me too...intense. Fukn full blown unexplainable. And no amount of will power stops my psychoses...and no amount of trying to ignore what happens or trying to call it invalid to my life stops it either. I have analyzed and analyzed it and it just is. I just believe he is one of my soulmates. I hope that is not illegal to believe what you believe.
Anywho I am gonna work on my article now!
So anyway as we are driving to the shoot this dude won't stop talking about all these professional models and how gorgeous they are and talented at modeling skills. As we move along I think about how many pictures I have of myself looking corky and how many selfies it takes for me to get a favorite. It's always hit or miss. Dude is making me so nervous to not be wasting his time. I am paying him fifty dollars for the Milky Way shot. He would not stop talking and I thought this is what self absorbed means! I make very sure when talking to others that I ask them how they are doing or try to learn something about them...nope he carried the convo. I tell him repeatedly I am no model...
So turns out? I am a natural model! How weird I was so scared and then he told me a couple poses and basically said to work it and though it's something I have never even thought of doing...he said I was really good! He said because I am able to show a multitude of emotions in front of the camera and he said it's something some people who try to model can't even learn.
My shots turned out pretty awesome. I look creepy in some which is cool looking and one I look like a witch and he is gonna turn my hair green! I asked him some questions about trying it out as a plus size model because I thought that's better than being a hooker with my beauty! He says right now natural is the look they want...no hair dye and I look good with no makeup. Freckles yes!
It's something to think about. It sure would beat cleaning toilets and it would work with my illness. You look for jobs online and I would get to travel. He wants to take more studio photos and I would want to lose about 20 pounds to be comfortable. Forty pounds for an idea we discussed of me topless in a mermaid outfit when my hair gets longer and can cover my boobs. I just think that would be cool and sexy. And pertinent to my day at the lake.
Just exploring options. I probably won't do it but it is a thought. I hate how my plans get changed and I get certified in things and the they don't work out like the peer mentorship most recently. I guess I should see before I get so excited and make effort to complete things if a felony will get in way. The jobs pay cash...$200 here...$500 there....free stuff....perks. It would just be a little extra cash in my pocket and I wouldn't have to lose disability striving to be Americas Next Top Model lol.
I've always been so against thinking beauty over my brains...but I am willing to try just about anything at this point...I am sick of back breaking work and I can make up to $1000 a month and keep my disability. Its just a thought, but I get lots of thoughts but I get lots of thoughts on directions to go. It certainly doesn't use my heart like my business plan, but I wondered how well would my business go over in a town of professionals that won't give me the time of day? I guess it would be overcoming that and saying look there is a need for peer mentors to be trained and we are not utilizing the wealth of people already in recovery! And there is no true incentives to recovery as a lifestyle change...its def a problem! This also hinges on a lawsuit with the city for the start up costs. Maybe I will finally make the news??? I still find it really weird that I never get press, lol! Maybe I should go hold up a bank with a note? I wonder if its against the establishment to point out the absurdity of my charges? Oh yes I went three blocks from my house to get a coffee and saw him and said please don't be scared...that's another felony miss!
I know it is because of my mental illness. I also know that I truly am a fantasy stalker in the worlds eyes...from afar. If it was something I could help or stop from happening to me, I would. This is not typical what happens to me...I am not goo goo gaga obsessed, gonna harm him if I can't have what I want. I know it could be scary...its scary for me too...intense. Fukn full blown unexplainable. And no amount of will power stops my psychoses...and no amount of trying to ignore what happens or trying to call it invalid to my life stops it either. I have analyzed and analyzed it and it just is. I just believe he is one of my soulmates. I hope that is not illegal to believe what you believe.
Anywho I am gonna work on my article now!
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