I cannot believe the past few days and how fearful I have been! Thinking I need to find some rich man to take care of me and leave all my passion behind. I owe an apology...because I have literally been writing about Sham Sons and their regeneration on earth for four years and I still slip into other people's realities and think their way is better and maybe a "suit" is gonna my hero. I hate fear it makes me say and do stupid shit that fits in a little box! And I will be damned if someone would stuff me in a box and call me "eye candy!"
I just totally discredited an Army of God! The poor will inherit the earth...its so biblical. These are my people, these are my friends...these are the fire in my eyes. They are the reason for my business plan, my entire mission and values, and I get pissed AT ONE and say they can ALL kiss my ass. And I do not know how to golf! I don't want to give up on my people??? I am incredibly insensitive when I am fearful, I am sorry. If I should erase anything it is that. I am in utter confusion lately about the direction of my life, and I think that is one of the most horrible things I have ever thought or said!!! That is the father of my children, differences or not...his story. That is two people I love very much, and many more I have had a heart for! I am so awful in this moment and I don't even know who I am right now.
So I say to God all the time..."whatever you want from me God...whatever you want." So why can't I just relax and know that God's got me? I even said I knew that God had me have psychosis, in his timing, and that I knew it served a purpose for him. And now a couple weeks later all I can see is fear and hospitals. And the way other people look at me when I tell them bits and pieces of what I experienced. This is so hard! Fuk dude! For real. Could my life be any harder? Please no bad juju from asking that! I mean hallucinating for a week wears a mofo out! And the fear of going back there and doing it all over again until they lock me away and I am insane and I think the world is heaven? hmmmmm....heaven is kinda pleasant. Anyhoo I am stressed!
If I was a medieval princess there would be no hospital, lol. I've had dreams and visions of being in an army. I know how to fight with a sword a shield and ride a horse, totally like a matrix warrior, but always in medieval armor. And don't laugh but in the lockdown this time I was in charge of an army of little men and I was helping them cross oceans, land and obviously tile to escape from the lockdown. OMG you can laugh. But all this was really happening to me!!! I was living it all. And I knew what to do for them to guide them. No I couldn't see them they were microscopic and lifted me up when I would sleep like a boat on the water. And my army of men were stitching words into the sheets and pillow case. I could see the stitches and they were perfect and they were doing it for me! I would make a bed roll all sneaky like I was sending sending these important words to the laundry, rolling it into corners to hide it perfectly. Is this something people do? Because I didn't "know" I just "knew." And I would try to sneak things from my room and leave them in the bathroom for other people. I left messages on bathroom mirrors and clues in the garbage can. I was doing this for my army. And it seemed to me with the pattern I have always paced in the lockdown that even the people that worked there knew what I was doing and were in agreement. It was kind of like I worked there, because it seemed that the workers moved in the same pattern? And its an eye pattern focused on the room numbers. Room numbers 6-7, let someone out-8, cross over to ten, spin around and avoid eye contact with the worker grab something from room ten and casually walk 11-12, deliver it in the lunch room. And I kept stealing the staffs folder, I am that good lol. Trades. That's all I understand about my eye patterns. I have also had this exact eye pattern happen to me at the fair...and it was a spiritual gathering let me tell you. Why do I have this eye pattern? Don't fukn know. And this a lockdown mind you, but the doors are shut with napkins...can't tell you how many people I have helped escape by removing a napkin, lol. I am always in the secure unit...its my home away from home, lol. Pretty much the only vacation I get...and don't you like to go on trips? Out of this world, in the least.
It was like a psychward family...and I just knew that the rap star Eminem was part of this revolution. I saw his signature on my mattress. And it had to do with jail cells too...the writing on the walls was coming out at me!!! Generations of people writing on cell walls and I was reading it!!! And dammit I don't remember what any of it said but it was quite the trip. I could trade places with people and trip back and forth from jail to psych in my mind I was "trading souls" with people...and it was all some sort of escape! Call me Shawshank lol. This same kind of writing on the wall happened to me before when I thought I knew the bible backwards verbatim and spoke in tongues for hours crying out into the spiritual realm. Saying it backwards in tongues was like a roll call from end times to back to how the world was at the beginning. I remember that I was also escaping that time and I got out with only using a hair tie...this time for like a month if I didn't have a hair tie on my right wrist I wasn't protected...not sure from what...maybe the boogie man!
Yeah do that for a week and see how steady you are with your identity...I dare ya! Is this like acid???
So once again I am sorry that I lost who I was for a minute and decided to bat for the other team...money does not buy realms...and when heaven kisses earth we will be the kings and queens. Booyah.
Oh yeah...I watched a documentary on my air vent which played just like a movie explaining how my army came to me. They were from DNA from sperm that had been fighting in sewage and rivers and all over the ocean. You know when you flush sperm??? Anyway it showed how the weak ones typically "fat lazy spoiled rich kid types" were easily picked off to the side and "deselected" from genetic codes. And how certain ones got smarter and stronger and would splice with one another. I seriously saw them swimming and which ones would give up or pick petty fights trying to challenge my dudes...until my awesome army was built! Because I saw the sperm transforming into men as they swimmed. So there's all those quality DNA carrying "pirates" with the lean muscle and the strong back and some fukn tenacity! And skillz man! Your little army must have skills! And they all listened to me how lovely! I remember being like ok guys thanks for explaining where you came from now let me go to sleep and I closed my eyes on this "movie." Damn I wish I knew how to take this? I wrote something about poverty systems and sperm swimming in toilets ah here it is I wrote this four years ago! I really must have continued this thought process in this psychosis because this is all I wrote about it four years ago!
I just totally discredited an Army of God! The poor will inherit the earth...its so biblical. These are my people, these are my friends...these are the fire in my eyes. They are the reason for my business plan, my entire mission and values, and I get pissed AT ONE and say they can ALL kiss my ass. And I do not know how to golf! I don't want to give up on my people??? I am incredibly insensitive when I am fearful, I am sorry. If I should erase anything it is that. I am in utter confusion lately about the direction of my life, and I think that is one of the most horrible things I have ever thought or said!!! That is the father of my children, differences or not...his story. That is two people I love very much, and many more I have had a heart for! I am so awful in this moment and I don't even know who I am right now.
So I say to God all the time..."whatever you want from me God...whatever you want." So why can't I just relax and know that God's got me? I even said I knew that God had me have psychosis, in his timing, and that I knew it served a purpose for him. And now a couple weeks later all I can see is fear and hospitals. And the way other people look at me when I tell them bits and pieces of what I experienced. This is so hard! Fuk dude! For real. Could my life be any harder? Please no bad juju from asking that! I mean hallucinating for a week wears a mofo out! And the fear of going back there and doing it all over again until they lock me away and I am insane and I think the world is heaven? hmmmmm....heaven is kinda pleasant. Anyhoo I am stressed!
If I was a medieval princess there would be no hospital, lol. I've had dreams and visions of being in an army. I know how to fight with a sword a shield and ride a horse, totally like a matrix warrior, but always in medieval armor. And don't laugh but in the lockdown this time I was in charge of an army of little men and I was helping them cross oceans, land and obviously tile to escape from the lockdown. OMG you can laugh. But all this was really happening to me!!! I was living it all. And I knew what to do for them to guide them. No I couldn't see them they were microscopic and lifted me up when I would sleep like a boat on the water. And my army of men were stitching words into the sheets and pillow case. I could see the stitches and they were perfect and they were doing it for me! I would make a bed roll all sneaky like I was sending sending these important words to the laundry, rolling it into corners to hide it perfectly. Is this something people do? Because I didn't "know" I just "knew." And I would try to sneak things from my room and leave them in the bathroom for other people. I left messages on bathroom mirrors and clues in the garbage can. I was doing this for my army. And it seemed to me with the pattern I have always paced in the lockdown that even the people that worked there knew what I was doing and were in agreement. It was kind of like I worked there, because it seemed that the workers moved in the same pattern? And its an eye pattern focused on the room numbers. Room numbers 6-7, let someone out-8, cross over to ten, spin around and avoid eye contact with the worker grab something from room ten and casually walk 11-12, deliver it in the lunch room. And I kept stealing the staffs folder, I am that good lol. Trades. That's all I understand about my eye patterns. I have also had this exact eye pattern happen to me at the fair...and it was a spiritual gathering let me tell you. Why do I have this eye pattern? Don't fukn know. And this a lockdown mind you, but the doors are shut with napkins...can't tell you how many people I have helped escape by removing a napkin, lol. I am always in the secure unit...its my home away from home, lol. Pretty much the only vacation I get...and don't you like to go on trips? Out of this world, in the least.
It was like a psychward family...and I just knew that the rap star Eminem was part of this revolution. I saw his signature on my mattress. And it had to do with jail cells too...the writing on the walls was coming out at me!!! Generations of people writing on cell walls and I was reading it!!! And dammit I don't remember what any of it said but it was quite the trip. I could trade places with people and trip back and forth from jail to psych in my mind I was "trading souls" with people...and it was all some sort of escape! Call me Shawshank lol. This same kind of writing on the wall happened to me before when I thought I knew the bible backwards verbatim and spoke in tongues for hours crying out into the spiritual realm. Saying it backwards in tongues was like a roll call from end times to back to how the world was at the beginning. I remember that I was also escaping that time and I got out with only using a hair tie...this time for like a month if I didn't have a hair tie on my right wrist I wasn't protected...not sure from what...maybe the boogie man!
Yeah do that for a week and see how steady you are with your identity...I dare ya! Is this like acid???
So once again I am sorry that I lost who I was for a minute and decided to bat for the other team...money does not buy realms...and when heaven kisses earth we will be the kings and queens. Booyah.
Oh yeah...I watched a documentary on my air vent which played just like a movie explaining how my army came to me. They were from DNA from sperm that had been fighting in sewage and rivers and all over the ocean. You know when you flush sperm??? Anyway it showed how the weak ones typically "fat lazy spoiled rich kid types" were easily picked off to the side and "deselected" from genetic codes. And how certain ones got smarter and stronger and would splice with one another. I seriously saw them swimming and which ones would give up or pick petty fights trying to challenge my dudes...until my awesome army was built! Because I saw the sperm transforming into men as they swimmed. So there's all those quality DNA carrying "pirates" with the lean muscle and the strong back and some fukn tenacity! And skillz man! Your little army must have skills! And they all listened to me how lovely! I remember being like ok guys thanks for explaining where you came from now let me go to sleep and I closed my eyes on this "movie." Damn I wish I knew how to take this? I wrote something about poverty systems and sperm swimming in toilets ah here it is I wrote this four years ago! I really must have continued this thought process in this psychosis because this is all I wrote about it four years ago!
Some
people and their persistent texting, what the?
Lol that was a joke at my expense. I am bad! I just didn’t know you hated
me…awwwwwww. Bubble burster! Bubble is gone! And who the hell asks a girl
they like to come clean their house?
Like yeah dude let me come scrub your toilet and take out your
trash. Yuck, sick, not a good pick up
line! Bad move dude. Creepy.
Gross, glad I said no to coffee freak! I grew up with my mom cleaning
rich people’s toilets. I spawned in their people’s pools. I said I want a pool
not a toilet, mom. I don’t clean very well, I will get a made her a man kit,
and fix that right up. Because of the powers that be, poverty comes in our
vessels, incubated in the womb. Try as might the addict sons, don’t stand a
chance with all the abort sons, legalized generational cursing. Don’t ever try
to flush those men again! Sperm can swim in toilets too. Straight out eggs,
Seamen falling from the sky like drops of Angels. I hallucinated this in the
hospital. There is a way to break this curse, with the exposure of Deceptive
American Dream Sewers. I will talk more
about that hallucination station later.
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