I was just driving in my car which is finally fixed and I had the radio up and I thought how good does this feel? I feel really proud of myself for surviving and processing all I've had to in the past month...and honestly I kind of feel like I've reached "badass" level. Dang it's been a lot to think about and not let myself feel ashamed or embarrassed of how God made me...and I didn't drink or give up.
I did get angry a lot and lost site of my identity and found myself questioning what's gonna happen next, but surviving this level of psychological warfare is not for the weak! I mean for fuk sake I was walking around a lake naked making plants grow with my hair and breast milk. You don't say? I don't have visual hallucinations a lot so that's pretty deep! How the hell does one see plants growing as if there were microscopes in your eyes? Maybe the same as when you see sperm raining healthy DNA onto the floor that turns into green worms than little green army men! Trip.
That was a couple years ago and I was scared...but I wasn't scared of the things I hallucinated this time. Does that mean I am growing or evolving maybe? I don't know what God is preparing me for but the process is truly amazing! And I could have missed all this incredible shit had I stayed on the surface of life. If I had stayed a "us." I am much cooler as a "them."
I feel pretty freaking special for my life and experiences and what they have taught me and I really need to stop being so resentful of my past life and the status it afforded me. Maybe I can let go of my spendy education not getting me these fancy jobs and just be greatful that I have ALOT of knowledge uploaded into my brain! For a purpose. And maybe I should trust God that wasn't a mistake! Not every bipolar drunk gets to be pissed they are educated right? Seven years of my life well spent lol! I like knowing shit!
I feel grateful tonight, and like a badass and that maybe I just fourth stepped my past life and gave it to God! I tell you what if I didn't write all these things out I don't know where I would be! Truly greatful to have my car and some tunes going in the heat of summer with no ac! And so many things feel good when you are psychotic that I get a little resentful of being ordinary, but I just remember that God always has me right where I need to be!!'
AND Smashing Pumpkins Little Boy is on! Killer in me is the killer in you!
I did get angry a lot and lost site of my identity and found myself questioning what's gonna happen next, but surviving this level of psychological warfare is not for the weak! I mean for fuk sake I was walking around a lake naked making plants grow with my hair and breast milk. You don't say? I don't have visual hallucinations a lot so that's pretty deep! How the hell does one see plants growing as if there were microscopes in your eyes? Maybe the same as when you see sperm raining healthy DNA onto the floor that turns into green worms than little green army men! Trip.
That was a couple years ago and I was scared...but I wasn't scared of the things I hallucinated this time. Does that mean I am growing or evolving maybe? I don't know what God is preparing me for but the process is truly amazing! And I could have missed all this incredible shit had I stayed on the surface of life. If I had stayed a "us." I am much cooler as a "them."
I feel pretty freaking special for my life and experiences and what they have taught me and I really need to stop being so resentful of my past life and the status it afforded me. Maybe I can let go of my spendy education not getting me these fancy jobs and just be greatful that I have ALOT of knowledge uploaded into my brain! For a purpose. And maybe I should trust God that wasn't a mistake! Not every bipolar drunk gets to be pissed they are educated right? Seven years of my life well spent lol! I like knowing shit!
I feel grateful tonight, and like a badass and that maybe I just fourth stepped my past life and gave it to God! I tell you what if I didn't write all these things out I don't know where I would be! Truly greatful to have my car and some tunes going in the heat of summer with no ac! And so many things feel good when you are psychotic that I get a little resentful of being ordinary, but I just remember that God always has me right where I need to be!!'
AND Smashing Pumpkins Little Boy is on! Killer in me is the killer in you!
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