Well I did end up at the state hospital but it was because I had another psychosis. This one was such a doozy I don't remember it...I guess they are telling me it's killing my neurons and maybe it's definently not cool that I don't have anything to write about other than I know I was hallucinating for three days straight in Billings Clinic before they sent me off. (remembered enough to write about Monster You Made Me So then I get there and I come out of it and let me tell you it was not interesting at all and the way people lined up for meds like it was their god really didn't intrigue me either...zero free thinking in this joint. Their classes were geared toward kindergarteners and so I developed a real superiority complex and looked around me and said these are not my people I don't identify and I don't belong here!
Leave it to me to be incredulous about my situation! Upon departure this sweet woman who had befriended me asked me if I found any man there attractive...and I had pretty much come to terms that there was no "eye candy" to be found there for me. I guess I am higher functioning mentally ill and like I have already mentioned I didn't think I belonged there.
I said as much to the program manager and he agreed that I did not need that level of care. Got a five day plan to leave...had an embarrassingly undignified amount of time to dream up conversations between me and Adam...yes back to Adam again. This is so frustrating because I know I cannot actually have these conversations and why do I insist on doing this to myself? It was definently too much thinking time. I did write some poems I will share tomorrow and got some good workouts in. Overall it is a regrettable experience that I asked for!
In the mean time my car and laptop were stolen. A friend Nick had been sleeping on my couch when I was going into psychosis. He's a drug addict but I thought he was sober at the time. So I left and he took over my place and my car...then I do believe traded my car for drugs. The window was smashed out and it cost my mom $350 to get out of the towing yard. That was a lot of stress to deal with in the hospital.
So I get home an my laptop is gone ok so I threw it off the balcony when I was cray...I did. Nick told my mom it was damaged but it's not here at my house. So that means five years of my writing is gone besides what I have on this website. I am glad most of its on here and I am hoping the place that publishes my book will give me the file.
I cannot even fathom what a junkie thinks. We've been friends for five years and he knows I am a writer he has to know my whole world was on that laptop. I can't afford to replace it anytime soon and it had my one pic of Adam on it. Thank God for FB and cloud for all my pics.
I am just sick. What a shitty thing to come home to. Not only did I go balls to the wall again...I've lost yet another friend. It's getting to the point where I am just done getting close to people. And I was planning to send to literary agents and now I don't have files. I was starting to copy from blogger into files to make books and all that effort is gone now too. I am hoping to find a Zip drive I think I remember putting the docs on...but dunno and have no way to check.
What a miserable awful thing to do to a friend. Period. Good bye Nick Nace.
Leave it to me to be incredulous about my situation! Upon departure this sweet woman who had befriended me asked me if I found any man there attractive...and I had pretty much come to terms that there was no "eye candy" to be found there for me. I guess I am higher functioning mentally ill and like I have already mentioned I didn't think I belonged there.
I said as much to the program manager and he agreed that I did not need that level of care. Got a five day plan to leave...had an embarrassingly undignified amount of time to dream up conversations between me and Adam...yes back to Adam again. This is so frustrating because I know I cannot actually have these conversations and why do I insist on doing this to myself? It was definently too much thinking time. I did write some poems I will share tomorrow and got some good workouts in. Overall it is a regrettable experience that I asked for!
In the mean time my car and laptop were stolen. A friend Nick had been sleeping on my couch when I was going into psychosis. He's a drug addict but I thought he was sober at the time. So I left and he took over my place and my car...then I do believe traded my car for drugs. The window was smashed out and it cost my mom $350 to get out of the towing yard. That was a lot of stress to deal with in the hospital.
So I get home an my laptop is gone ok so I threw it off the balcony when I was cray...I did. Nick told my mom it was damaged but it's not here at my house. So that means five years of my writing is gone besides what I have on this website. I am glad most of its on here and I am hoping the place that publishes my book will give me the file.
I cannot even fathom what a junkie thinks. We've been friends for five years and he knows I am a writer he has to know my whole world was on that laptop. I can't afford to replace it anytime soon and it had my one pic of Adam on it. Thank God for FB and cloud for all my pics.
I am just sick. What a shitty thing to come home to. Not only did I go balls to the wall again...I've lost yet another friend. It's getting to the point where I am just done getting close to people. And I was planning to send to literary agents and now I don't have files. I was starting to copy from blogger into files to make books and all that effort is gone now too. I am hoping to find a Zip drive I think I remember putting the docs on...but dunno and have no way to check.
What a miserable awful thing to do to a friend. Period. Good bye Nick Nace.
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