Something someone said in a meeting jolted me awake like a lightning bolt. He said we are "addicted to our own thinking." Put a lot of thoughts in my head about how stubborn I am with all this. I have a spiritual psychosis about a person being my soul mate and I believe every bit of it. I believe it, because I believe in the spiritual realm and I believe it because it was real to me and started when I was 18 and yada yada but it is so fricken unbelievable!!!
What am I up against with this? Why can't I separate what other people see as reality and accept that as reality? The reality is my soul mate has a lifetime restraining order on me so who gives a fuk if he has abs? Really? This is so bad and I am literally at a point where I need to be with someone that is willing to help me monitor my moods and say hey your getting too sped up! Because I just think I feel good! Happy and things are finally going my way...I'm just more articulate and witty...I just feel good. And this totally borders how I am most of the time anyway! And then like overnight I'm looking for dead people!!! On a Friday I say to a friend I think I might be getting manic and by Sunday I am psychotic beating up cabbies. And I did go to my doctor and I did ask her to stop me and I was told to take half a tablet more of lithium.
Dammit this is awful but I either need a boyfriend preferably a husband type, or I am gonna have to go to a home for mentally ill people and the 95 percent of the time I am normal that is really gonna be painful! I don't really need that but I need someone to be there for me! But dude I do not know how to sell this angle! What the hell would I say on a dating site? I tried that for a minute and HATED it with a passion. I didn't like one dude I met. And explaining myself is fukn hard! And I just hate the process in general. I know there are a lot of women that like to be taken care of so its not like some damn epiphany...its innate. But being like I can't tell when I am manic will you be my ever-loving- monitor please? Fuk c'mon please I am so resentful about my situation right now!
I don't know what to do. My mom said just come to terms with being single and I thought I had at least started to make peace with being a writer with my imagination as company...I do like it. But this is my health...this is my entire existence! This is the ability to be with my children on a normal way. Holy fuk soup!
And I have to tell the prospects I can't minimize this and it happens "oh babe I was just hallucinating snakes in my hair mating with plants" you know common shit like that! I really wanted to be ok and tonight my ex husband who still doesn't understand what happens to me said some cruel shit about our kids. I said I don't choose this. He chose to do drugs and steal shit and ruin his life I didn't choose to be mentally ill...I don't fukn inject this into my arm! And we're such a pair for our kids huh? And it burns me to the ground how hard I worked to have a good life and give my children a good life. And he lays guilt trips on me like I could change it if I tried harder.
Spiritual journeys are amazing...but I don't want them anymore! I'm so tired. I need help and I need someone in my life that isn't imaginary! Ok, insurance salesman that are 56 that think I am eye candy only...this should be interesting. I give up. I will do this for my children. There's some reality. And it sounds awful to me, and destroys me and what I want, but that's what parents do right? I love my kids very much and I am tired of not being able to afford the things they deserve in life...like who can't afford t-ball? or gymnastics...or a movie theater for fuk sake? And I remember going without, and that is why I was so damn determined to not let it happen. So I will stop this bullshit psychotic love and find someone decent to love me.
Felons can kiss my ass...I have a deferred sentence it goes off my record. Stupidest shit anyway right? ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH! I am headed to the golf course bitches! Who decides to ask for pardons and tweet the president? And I am the one who is nothing because I am mental and I was fighting for everybody...my heart is nothing. Means nothing. OMG I am hurting!!! Who says some vodka for me and just fuk it all and forget?
No I won't. I am better than that...but that life was much easier anyway.
What am I up against with this? Why can't I separate what other people see as reality and accept that as reality? The reality is my soul mate has a lifetime restraining order on me so who gives a fuk if he has abs? Really? This is so bad and I am literally at a point where I need to be with someone that is willing to help me monitor my moods and say hey your getting too sped up! Because I just think I feel good! Happy and things are finally going my way...I'm just more articulate and witty...I just feel good. And this totally borders how I am most of the time anyway! And then like overnight I'm looking for dead people!!! On a Friday I say to a friend I think I might be getting manic and by Sunday I am psychotic beating up cabbies. And I did go to my doctor and I did ask her to stop me and I was told to take half a tablet more of lithium.
Dammit this is awful but I either need a boyfriend preferably a husband type, or I am gonna have to go to a home for mentally ill people and the 95 percent of the time I am normal that is really gonna be painful! I don't really need that but I need someone to be there for me! But dude I do not know how to sell this angle! What the hell would I say on a dating site? I tried that for a minute and HATED it with a passion. I didn't like one dude I met. And explaining myself is fukn hard! And I just hate the process in general. I know there are a lot of women that like to be taken care of so its not like some damn epiphany...its innate. But being like I can't tell when I am manic will you be my ever-loving- monitor please? Fuk c'mon please I am so resentful about my situation right now!
I don't know what to do. My mom said just come to terms with being single and I thought I had at least started to make peace with being a writer with my imagination as company...I do like it. But this is my health...this is my entire existence! This is the ability to be with my children on a normal way. Holy fuk soup!
And I have to tell the prospects I can't minimize this and it happens "oh babe I was just hallucinating snakes in my hair mating with plants" you know common shit like that! I really wanted to be ok and tonight my ex husband who still doesn't understand what happens to me said some cruel shit about our kids. I said I don't choose this. He chose to do drugs and steal shit and ruin his life I didn't choose to be mentally ill...I don't fukn inject this into my arm! And we're such a pair for our kids huh? And it burns me to the ground how hard I worked to have a good life and give my children a good life. And he lays guilt trips on me like I could change it if I tried harder.
Spiritual journeys are amazing...but I don't want them anymore! I'm so tired. I need help and I need someone in my life that isn't imaginary! Ok, insurance salesman that are 56 that think I am eye candy only...this should be interesting. I give up. I will do this for my children. There's some reality. And it sounds awful to me, and destroys me and what I want, but that's what parents do right? I love my kids very much and I am tired of not being able to afford the things they deserve in life...like who can't afford t-ball? or gymnastics...or a movie theater for fuk sake? And I remember going without, and that is why I was so damn determined to not let it happen. So I will stop this bullshit psychotic love and find someone decent to love me.
Felons can kiss my ass...I have a deferred sentence it goes off my record. Stupidest shit anyway right? ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH! I am headed to the golf course bitches! Who decides to ask for pardons and tweet the president? And I am the one who is nothing because I am mental and I was fighting for everybody...my heart is nothing. Means nothing. OMG I am hurting!!! Who says some vodka for me and just fuk it all and forget?
No I won't. I am better than that...but that life was much easier anyway.
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