So it is really neato that I believe I can start businesses and have highly acclaimed ideas that include major lawsuits...and write books and be an entrepreneur...but the fact of it is I am still sitting here on disability, and I just lost my job. I gotta get real even though I don't want to.
I would honestly prefer to write and be in love with Adam come hell or high water...cause that's my truest heart and my true north as I always say. Recent happenings with the competition of Jake and the Lake, have really made me question what ultimately does my heart desire? And I guess that is to bask in the sun of love and feel loved and wanted and whole...and though me writing about my love for Adam does a lot of really great and deep things for me...he does not love me at all. Only in my imagination does he care and sit by and watch me grow. And I guess that's what I needed to heal is to believe that...but he is in another place now and he is not the same person either. I assume just from what I heard that he's turned to drugs...and he was so against them so I don't understand what's happened in his own mind to make that ok. And here I am I work so hard in sobriety because of what he did for me, and he's off twacking around. That in reality is not valiant...whatsoever. I think people that try to get the energy and spirituality that I have naturally are on a self-destructive path...so sad!
Shucks this really sucks, but yeah I got to make a decision here...and I got to be bold about it. If I am looking for someone else, I've got to stop giving Adam ink...and even Jake. I wouldn't want to do that to any more men...I've done it to a couple and its really mean and not loyal and I am typically super loyal. My writing gives so much energy to my love, and if I am survive in this world I need to be more realistic. Need to find a way to put my children first even though I am a weekend mother. Need to put my health first, not my talent. Duoh.
Need to go to church! Bye!
I would honestly prefer to write and be in love with Adam come hell or high water...cause that's my truest heart and my true north as I always say. Recent happenings with the competition of Jake and the Lake, have really made me question what ultimately does my heart desire? And I guess that is to bask in the sun of love and feel loved and wanted and whole...and though me writing about my love for Adam does a lot of really great and deep things for me...he does not love me at all. Only in my imagination does he care and sit by and watch me grow. And I guess that's what I needed to heal is to believe that...but he is in another place now and he is not the same person either. I assume just from what I heard that he's turned to drugs...and he was so against them so I don't understand what's happened in his own mind to make that ok. And here I am I work so hard in sobriety because of what he did for me, and he's off twacking around. That in reality is not valiant...whatsoever. I think people that try to get the energy and spirituality that I have naturally are on a self-destructive path...so sad!
Shucks this really sucks, but yeah I got to make a decision here...and I got to be bold about it. If I am looking for someone else, I've got to stop giving Adam ink...and even Jake. I wouldn't want to do that to any more men...I've done it to a couple and its really mean and not loyal and I am typically super loyal. My writing gives so much energy to my love, and if I am survive in this world I need to be more realistic. Need to find a way to put my children first even though I am a weekend mother. Need to put my health first, not my talent. Duoh.
Need to go to church! Bye!
Comments