I know when I write about my real crazy stuff it discredits me from a lot of people. I don't really care! "You're just crazy." No I am a lot of fukn things! And I like me. Having said that I sometimes do not like my shares in meetings...because typing my thoughts and expressing myself on my blog is just more me...and I guess that's probably why most writer types don't venture into public speaking. I share my experience, strength and hope and try to impart that I am grateful but tonight sharing about letting go of my past career and hopes to be in that esteem again, made me sound like I didn't appreciate my sobriety.
Well because I said shit like "my life was better drinking." And my illness got worse in sobriety and made me become a felon. When I tell this story I need to be more like um "hello" I became a felon because I was allowing real emotions about a man for the first time since junior high. That is a good thing!!! Like really freaking GOOD! Point B: Had I not received this particular mans affection and known that it was healing to me...I may still have been choosing to blackout and be raped, because I loved drinking just that much. Point C: My life was not better when I was drinking...it was fake and based on appearances and a nasty mess waiting to happen. Holding myself together with a six pack a night didn't seem like that big of deal...and sometimes it was just the weekends. The thing of Nick saying I wasn't an alcoholic was just because I don't drink the way he does. I am in the right place with AA and all the wondering is lined out in the book as alcoholic thinking. So what alcohol was my mood stabilizer....and it worked for a long time...but it also trapped me inside the matrix.
So I am really hoping I can find some peace and let go of who I used to be. That was all part of the American machine and it chewed me up and spit me out...and I should never want to go back there. Addictions are part of the machine too and there are some pissed of generations in the spiritual realm, they are not happy with what has happened to their children! In this area above us the native fathers are particularly pissed...with reason. Sometimes I can hear their revolution songs. But I guess that was Bob Marley that sang that one. How long ago was that? How long ago did Moses say "Let my people go." Well if you think that Americans are not slaves...just go watch tv and go night night. Again and again. Because the ideas on television and movies really are someone's ideas. All these end of the world scenarios.
I am not afraid though. I know good wins. There are a lot of souls counting down as we speak. And they are refined warriors of trial and tribulation and they are "ellahowe'"....ok yeah I just got that word in my head from my tongues...but I am gonna look up the meaning of it in a second. And I just googled it and it is not a human word on google...so I am just gonna go with it and say it means they are "pissed and ready to fight." The only thing that came up on google...was "How to Say Hello." That works too!
The great thing about being a crazy woman? May be taken seriously and you may be not. Its really been a breakthrough having this blog, I have expanded my horizons! I may totally go against all modern medicine when I say I can hear the spiritual realm, and all the other horseshit that is the money machine of modern psychiatry. I may be told I am I am likened to worthless garbage, and I don't matter and that I should crawl in a hole to die of shame for how God made me. That is the message I get way too much in today's society. AND IT MAKES ME ELLAHOWE' for my generations! And I think if it can happen to me??? Me that was able to hide it for sixteen years except from my family...oh it just makes me so angry!!! How many people are hearing things and are being told it is chemical? CAN YOU HEAR ME? How many people just give up and die? I am glad my God reminds me I am not worthless! Because that is what the labels tell me. That I am wrong and unacceptable to be who I am.
That's the machine's message. ME NO LIKE THE MACHINE. And now I will go take the pills they tell me to right now. Because I am now hearing men yelling and they are angry and I don't want to deal with it tonight. I don't want to go into a spiritual battle that's real and be in the lockdown by tomorrow...cause that's what real to the "real world." Take your pills, or else. Shut off your spirit. Now swallow all that. If you ever heard these cries and you knew you were a badass warrior woman in the spiritual realm, what the hell would you really want to do? Swallow it like you're told and choke on all the pain that machine brings you in this life.
JESUS COME BACK!!!
Well because I said shit like "my life was better drinking." And my illness got worse in sobriety and made me become a felon. When I tell this story I need to be more like um "hello" I became a felon because I was allowing real emotions about a man for the first time since junior high. That is a good thing!!! Like really freaking GOOD! Point B: Had I not received this particular mans affection and known that it was healing to me...I may still have been choosing to blackout and be raped, because I loved drinking just that much. Point C: My life was not better when I was drinking...it was fake and based on appearances and a nasty mess waiting to happen. Holding myself together with a six pack a night didn't seem like that big of deal...and sometimes it was just the weekends. The thing of Nick saying I wasn't an alcoholic was just because I don't drink the way he does. I am in the right place with AA and all the wondering is lined out in the book as alcoholic thinking. So what alcohol was my mood stabilizer....and it worked for a long time...but it also trapped me inside the matrix.
So I am really hoping I can find some peace and let go of who I used to be. That was all part of the American machine and it chewed me up and spit me out...and I should never want to go back there. Addictions are part of the machine too and there are some pissed of generations in the spiritual realm, they are not happy with what has happened to their children! In this area above us the native fathers are particularly pissed...with reason. Sometimes I can hear their revolution songs. But I guess that was Bob Marley that sang that one. How long ago was that? How long ago did Moses say "Let my people go." Well if you think that Americans are not slaves...just go watch tv and go night night. Again and again. Because the ideas on television and movies really are someone's ideas. All these end of the world scenarios.
I am not afraid though. I know good wins. There are a lot of souls counting down as we speak. And they are refined warriors of trial and tribulation and they are "ellahowe'"....ok yeah I just got that word in my head from my tongues...but I am gonna look up the meaning of it in a second. And I just googled it and it is not a human word on google...so I am just gonna go with it and say it means they are "pissed and ready to fight." The only thing that came up on google...was "How to Say Hello." That works too!
The great thing about being a crazy woman? May be taken seriously and you may be not. Its really been a breakthrough having this blog, I have expanded my horizons! I may totally go against all modern medicine when I say I can hear the spiritual realm, and all the other horseshit that is the money machine of modern psychiatry. I may be told I am I am likened to worthless garbage, and I don't matter and that I should crawl in a hole to die of shame for how God made me. That is the message I get way too much in today's society. AND IT MAKES ME ELLAHOWE' for my generations! And I think if it can happen to me??? Me that was able to hide it for sixteen years except from my family...oh it just makes me so angry!!! How many people are hearing things and are being told it is chemical? CAN YOU HEAR ME? How many people just give up and die? I am glad my God reminds me I am not worthless! Because that is what the labels tell me. That I am wrong and unacceptable to be who I am.
That's the machine's message. ME NO LIKE THE MACHINE. And now I will go take the pills they tell me to right now. Because I am now hearing men yelling and they are angry and I don't want to deal with it tonight. I don't want to go into a spiritual battle that's real and be in the lockdown by tomorrow...cause that's what real to the "real world." Take your pills, or else. Shut off your spirit. Now swallow all that. If you ever heard these cries and you knew you were a badass warrior woman in the spiritual realm, what the hell would you really want to do? Swallow it like you're told and choke on all the pain that machine brings you in this life.
JESUS COME BACK!!!
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