Believe.

I am trippin tonight and I am not gonna try to figure it out...but if I believe in the dead and that I can hear them, then there are a lot of things I know and understand that maybe I shouldn't say...because I heard one say that I was exposing them.  And then I watched this video and it sent chills down my spine.  And then I felt like I was being asphyxiated like I couldn't get air into my lungs.  I have been smoking a lot but it felt like I wasn't getting air.

This is why maybe I fell in love with a man that lived in a little shack..."MY HEARTS TRUE NORTH IS A DECOY SOUL."  A lyric.  Ok, right, so love Adam to pieces but when I was at the Lake with Jake I knew he belonged to someone else...I won't say her name.  And other times I was like my DNA sequence was one off with Adam...and it must be Jake but then other peoples beliefs and judgement make me think its impossible that my true soul mate would be dead.  I discredit a spirit making love to me which was freakin unbelievably awesome btw babe...snap back to, and I think it is Adam again.  But here's the catch...I have always said that me and Adam are He/She's because destroyed codes and he is missing parts of him that I have and vice versa. That I was a half female because of my soul being split into bipolar when I was raped.  Good versus evil in my mind in a battle.  And I was whole when I was twelve!

If I can believe I hear the dead...then why couldn't I believe my soul mate was dead!  He like proposed to me in the reeds I think?  Well shit honestly I don't really understand what all happened in the reeds that day besides they were bending towards me and I was happy and dude maybe that kind of shit is suppose to be a surprise lol!

I wrote this two years ago...Hero She Ma Truth

Starset

And I am hearing the kind of yelling tonight that usually means I am headed back down to hell...and I really hate hell, but if that's where I am suppose to go now...peace out.  God is everywhere.  Goodnight.

P.S.  I can't breath without having to think about it.  Its odd. I'm not breathing.  Well I was always warned to not smoke!  Or it could be copious amounts of lithium (prescribed amount) But I am not calling a damn doctor...hope I have very sweet dreams!  Goodnight again!

And dammit I just prayed and I know I got to get some help.  As much as I want to go to the other side and this seemed like a good way...I was laying there fighting with my own head.  Like just my luck I wont die, and I will end up in a coma or become a brain dead vegetable. There are things worse than dying. So I then decided I needed to stop fighting in my head and pray.  I've been having this feeling in my head like pressure building for like a week I have been noticing it.  And I can't remember when this asphyxiated feeling started...but tonight I am praying and trying to drift off to sleep and realizing I am not breathing unless I think about making my chest rise and fall is pretty freaky!  And I also thought about my kids.  I really hate the ER thought and it is one in the morning.  Dammit all for real!

Mornining update.  When a society is created and taught to go to the hospital for everything...like it is engrained in us...and I don't know if that is the chicken or the egg.  Reguardless I am well involved and went to the ER and explained what was happening and they said it was from the stress I had been through and that was how my body was responding.  Or they were trying to tell me it was in my head that I actually had to think to breath.  Anyway it was an expensive way to get my lithium levels checked which is what I needed to get done this week anyway.


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