I think I used only a small fraction of my brain when I was drinking. I am not gonna pretend I understand how my mental illness got worse in sobriety, only that that is the truth of it and I am dealing. Thank God I can see it differently now. I always hid it in the past and was so ashamed. Now I think it makes me brilliant and shine like the sun. My mind has expanded for sure. And I have creativity I never knew. It makes me have intrigue...a brilliant mind.
Another is the way I measure myself. I used to categorize everyone as more than or less than me...and that left me spinning on what to think of myself. Well I definitely had to get rid of my ruler. It feels so good to be more solid, and I think if I wasn't concerned with so much more than most folk, I would be completely solid at this point. At least it has given me love and self esteem and a way to have skin on without booze.
I figure I never really protected myself from much of anything...would play the victim and then drink to not feel anything negative. Happy and happier was my model for living. Well you need to feel negative things in order to grow. Why you even shove seeds down in the dark dirt before they will blossom. Growth through challenge and adversity.
I feel alone a lot, but yet surrounded by people. I haven't been talking too much about what happened...just moving on. No need to pound into other people's brains how crazy I was.
That's boundaries I guess. Not everyone needs to know. Not everyone needs to care. Not everyone needs to rescue me.
I guess with that blog "Felony" I was being a victim. Like trying to guess why Adam would be so hard on me and of course make it because he wanted me to grow. I swear I can think nothing but good about him. All the times I stick up for him with everyone trying to talk sense into me. Its weird how having a psychosis about how he was my soul mate put blinders on me about him. He can do no wrong...still. All cracked out and shit and he is still my hero. What a number on me!
I am just so greatful to be so much stronger than I ever was. Like things are shit right now and I am ok...I know its just temporary. Do wish I had my car back though....that's rough.
I am talking to a lawyer in the morning. Must make my own path...cause nothing is getting handed to me anymore. The stigma of mental illness is a lot to bear. I am such a nice person that goes psychotic sometimes. Its a lot to process and own on me.
Haven't felt Jake around since getting out of the hospital.
Another is the way I measure myself. I used to categorize everyone as more than or less than me...and that left me spinning on what to think of myself. Well I definitely had to get rid of my ruler. It feels so good to be more solid, and I think if I wasn't concerned with so much more than most folk, I would be completely solid at this point. At least it has given me love and self esteem and a way to have skin on without booze.
I figure I never really protected myself from much of anything...would play the victim and then drink to not feel anything negative. Happy and happier was my model for living. Well you need to feel negative things in order to grow. Why you even shove seeds down in the dark dirt before they will blossom. Growth through challenge and adversity.
I feel alone a lot, but yet surrounded by people. I haven't been talking too much about what happened...just moving on. No need to pound into other people's brains how crazy I was.
That's boundaries I guess. Not everyone needs to know. Not everyone needs to care. Not everyone needs to rescue me.
I guess with that blog "Felony" I was being a victim. Like trying to guess why Adam would be so hard on me and of course make it because he wanted me to grow. I swear I can think nothing but good about him. All the times I stick up for him with everyone trying to talk sense into me. Its weird how having a psychosis about how he was my soul mate put blinders on me about him. He can do no wrong...still. All cracked out and shit and he is still my hero. What a number on me!
I am just so greatful to be so much stronger than I ever was. Like things are shit right now and I am ok...I know its just temporary. Do wish I had my car back though....that's rough.
I am talking to a lawyer in the morning. Must make my own path...cause nothing is getting handed to me anymore. The stigma of mental illness is a lot to bear. I am such a nice person that goes psychotic sometimes. Its a lot to process and own on me.
Haven't felt Jake around since getting out of the hospital.
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