So I kind of told my kids I was gonna be the mayor and we were gonna live in a mansion with a pool. Well that's because I was a famous millionaire for my writing and of course a magic fairy princess. Dang...to come out of that. Well idk. I hate being poor. Strived all my life to get out of the poverty system. Three degrees and worked my ass off. Now none of the matters since I am a psychotic sometimes felon. Shoot and darn.
Random. Random that I loved Adam so much. Random that he hated me. Random to be a felon when I had never been in trouble really. And now my life is disassembled. American Rag Doll is right. I still don't know if that cabbie is gonna press charges...how scary to wail on someone because they won't give you their black hat? Uh oh. And screaming into the radio about abortion? Random.
I am kinda pissed at our system. Not Adam, lol because that boy done fukt my mind over to love him regardless. I am proof that love exists in this world still...I don't know what kind of man wouldn't want to be loved like that, but obviously him. Anyway I threw the Fox hat in the water though...it was really magical the way Jake met me at that Lake. I think I married him naked by some reeds but its all gone now...all the magic. All of it and its so disappointing to be dull again...to be poor again. To be suffocated by the system I was born into.
Project baby. Whitecenter, Seattle. My first crib was a dresser drawer. How I have fought this curse all my life. OMG real tears again...fuk! I am so branded like cattle. I have nothing. Gave a lot of money to homeless people...gosh I am kind. Its been five years on disability and it is clear no one is gonna rescue me from this. My black neighbor told me in New Orleans where he is from I would be like a Goddess to the black men there and they would all want to take care of me. Here its a lot of 'do it yourself." And I try so hard!!! I do. And I am fired from my job for going crazy...I am so sad about that because I really loved the people there. Its awful.
If my "trip" out of reality hadn't of been so beautiful this time I would be so mad I could puke. My car's radiator is busted. I threw all my debit and credit cards. I am in a rebuilding phase. I really thought Jesus had come back...which is what I think every time. Maybe because I am ready for that. I am fukn tired!
I still have my business plan and everyone at the psych ward thought it was a good idea. Maybe if I stay well that will all happen. But I got to test it for awhile. Once these psychoses start they seem to happen every few months. Fuk my world up in a heartbeat.
I feel alone. I feel swallowed up. If I didn't write I don't think I could bear this. It helps me understand and process. How freaking fast did I go to heaven this time? It was in a blink and I was there. I am trying to put my finger on my feeling and for the first time in a long time, I think it is fear. Remember when I said sometimes you don't come out of the psychosis? What if I turn around and go right back in it?
GOD HELP!
Random. Random that I loved Adam so much. Random that he hated me. Random to be a felon when I had never been in trouble really. And now my life is disassembled. American Rag Doll is right. I still don't know if that cabbie is gonna press charges...how scary to wail on someone because they won't give you their black hat? Uh oh. And screaming into the radio about abortion? Random.
I am kinda pissed at our system. Not Adam, lol because that boy done fukt my mind over to love him regardless. I am proof that love exists in this world still...I don't know what kind of man wouldn't want to be loved like that, but obviously him. Anyway I threw the Fox hat in the water though...it was really magical the way Jake met me at that Lake. I think I married him naked by some reeds but its all gone now...all the magic. All of it and its so disappointing to be dull again...to be poor again. To be suffocated by the system I was born into.
Project baby. Whitecenter, Seattle. My first crib was a dresser drawer. How I have fought this curse all my life. OMG real tears again...fuk! I am so branded like cattle. I have nothing. Gave a lot of money to homeless people...gosh I am kind. Its been five years on disability and it is clear no one is gonna rescue me from this. My black neighbor told me in New Orleans where he is from I would be like a Goddess to the black men there and they would all want to take care of me. Here its a lot of 'do it yourself." And I try so hard!!! I do. And I am fired from my job for going crazy...I am so sad about that because I really loved the people there. Its awful.
If my "trip" out of reality hadn't of been so beautiful this time I would be so mad I could puke. My car's radiator is busted. I threw all my debit and credit cards. I am in a rebuilding phase. I really thought Jesus had come back...which is what I think every time. Maybe because I am ready for that. I am fukn tired!
I still have my business plan and everyone at the psych ward thought it was a good idea. Maybe if I stay well that will all happen. But I got to test it for awhile. Once these psychoses start they seem to happen every few months. Fuk my world up in a heartbeat.
I feel alone. I feel swallowed up. If I didn't write I don't think I could bear this. It helps me understand and process. How freaking fast did I go to heaven this time? It was in a blink and I was there. I am trying to put my finger on my feeling and for the first time in a long time, I think it is fear. Remember when I said sometimes you don't come out of the psychosis? What if I turn around and go right back in it?
GOD HELP!
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