So I never thought I would say "love is stupid..." Its kind of all I am about. Loving assholes. Loving ones without families mostly...fukn strays. Ferrel fukn wild animals with no integrity! Rougues. Ok besides Dragon...cause he all hooked up. I talked to him last night and he came and fed SheRah for me when I was in the hospital...bought her a huge sack of food too...he a Costco size man for everything, lol. I asked him if he missed me and how the new lady was who I guess is 20 now. They are happy...and he only misses me a little. That's for the best...and I know it.
So I wonder if I can take my fire inside and all that passion I feel for men and make it passion about myself and children. Those are my little men and they deserve so much more than what has happened in their short lives. They call me all the time and me and Evan play I love you more...to infinity and to the universe I love you. And Mitchell is so excited to spend time with me...now that's love and why can't that be enough? I don't know if it is always gonna be this way with them? You know when they are teenagers and friends become more important?
I called Fisher construction yesterday...seeing if they needed a water girl for the building site next to my house. Something on site, lol. I wondered if my back would hold up for roofing this summer and I could learn a new skill. I am kind of a wimp sometimes on pushing through when my body hurts or even if I just get a little annoyed of what I am doing...so roofing all day is probably not for me. I would probably last a week. I am not that badass in that way. I do need a job. I took on more bills and my credit just got good so I can't mess that up.
My bills are all messed up right now. Usually I do pretty good with that...keep a excel page and make sure everything gets taken care of with what little money I have. Have a warrant for my arrest for missing a traffic ticket court appearance....$95 two days late registration fee and I know that they gave me that ticket because of my felony status. Never in my life has an officer not forgiving something like two days expired for me??? I always got warnings. I guess its time to play ball on my handed to me life, lol.
Yes, I was pretty blessed and handed a lot for many years. Yes I worked hard too, but it was like opportunities fell on my lap! But really recognizing and coming to terms that no one is gonna give me a job in my fields. Either because of my illness or the felony. I know because I've tried for probably a hundred jobs in the last six years.
So yeah love is stupid...but wasn't a waste of time! Won't see it like that because actually factually I am an awesome writer with an amazing story to tell. It is fairytale fo sho. Like a legend now that I have been to "The Garden" Like for real that was amazing and an epical day in my life. Surprised I wasn't scared of it or paranoid of all the snakes...or thinking it was evil. Nope just a beautiful magical day I will remember forever. I really think between that experience and my heaven trip in 2013 I could make an amazing book...and maybe a trilogy out of my blog. I just need a literary agent and all along I have been clueless on how to do that. I thought to use excerpts from my blog and write in between where I have come from then and my perspective now.
I don't hate men...lol. Just a vent I guess. I am too loving to have hate in my heart. If Adam came up to me today I would still just hug him an for a week and smother him in kisses. Damn him. And damn me for realz. And I even threw his Fox hat in the water? I need to pray about what that day meant...cause I wonder if being married to a ghost is what I am supposed to do? Maybe have a spirit husband?
Just if Jesus really would come back that would be tits. I think that every time I go crazy. Flip this bitchin world on its head. New Order. Amen.
Love isn't stupid.
So I wonder if I can take my fire inside and all that passion I feel for men and make it passion about myself and children. Those are my little men and they deserve so much more than what has happened in their short lives. They call me all the time and me and Evan play I love you more...to infinity and to the universe I love you. And Mitchell is so excited to spend time with me...now that's love and why can't that be enough? I don't know if it is always gonna be this way with them? You know when they are teenagers and friends become more important?
I called Fisher construction yesterday...seeing if they needed a water girl for the building site next to my house. Something on site, lol. I wondered if my back would hold up for roofing this summer and I could learn a new skill. I am kind of a wimp sometimes on pushing through when my body hurts or even if I just get a little annoyed of what I am doing...so roofing all day is probably not for me. I would probably last a week. I am not that badass in that way. I do need a job. I took on more bills and my credit just got good so I can't mess that up.
My bills are all messed up right now. Usually I do pretty good with that...keep a excel page and make sure everything gets taken care of with what little money I have. Have a warrant for my arrest for missing a traffic ticket court appearance....$95 two days late registration fee and I know that they gave me that ticket because of my felony status. Never in my life has an officer not forgiving something like two days expired for me??? I always got warnings. I guess its time to play ball on my handed to me life, lol.
Yes, I was pretty blessed and handed a lot for many years. Yes I worked hard too, but it was like opportunities fell on my lap! But really recognizing and coming to terms that no one is gonna give me a job in my fields. Either because of my illness or the felony. I know because I've tried for probably a hundred jobs in the last six years.
So yeah love is stupid...but wasn't a waste of time! Won't see it like that because actually factually I am an awesome writer with an amazing story to tell. It is fairytale fo sho. Like a legend now that I have been to "The Garden" Like for real that was amazing and an epical day in my life. Surprised I wasn't scared of it or paranoid of all the snakes...or thinking it was evil. Nope just a beautiful magical day I will remember forever. I really think between that experience and my heaven trip in 2013 I could make an amazing book...and maybe a trilogy out of my blog. I just need a literary agent and all along I have been clueless on how to do that. I thought to use excerpts from my blog and write in between where I have come from then and my perspective now.
I don't hate men...lol. Just a vent I guess. I am too loving to have hate in my heart. If Adam came up to me today I would still just hug him an for a week and smother him in kisses. Damn him. And damn me for realz. And I even threw his Fox hat in the water? I need to pray about what that day meant...cause I wonder if being married to a ghost is what I am supposed to do? Maybe have a spirit husband?
Just if Jesus really would come back that would be tits. I think that every time I go crazy. Flip this bitchin world on its head. New Order. Amen.
Love isn't stupid.
Comments