Well I had a monotonous day of packaging miniature food items. It took me all day to do one case! So much into little baggies! Its cute, but made me super tired. I found a little loaf of bread with mayo and tuna fish and that is going in my dollhouse because I am remembering the blog where I was being dramatic about wanting to pull a Marilyn Monroe and a tuna fish sandwhich saved my life, lol. And I also got a box of Lucky Charms and some sushi cause both are in my book! Cute eh?
Well as I am working in silence thinking how tired I am I realized I am tired of alot of things! Just drained! Its allowed right? I'm tired of talking! I recognize that my blogs have doubled in quantity in the past month and I am not manic or anything but just really friggen talky...and important and entertaining of course! In this time my actual social life is pretty much non existent. People don't exist besides me! Self absorbed much? I was so pumped I was making friends when I finally walked away from Dragon, but here I am just wrapped up in my own little world again. But is this me? Is this just who I am? An egomaniac histrionic writer of fairytales and drama? Well ok an 18 year old gal just called and I am taking her to a meeting tonight...saved by the phone, I am of service! Plus SheRah my cat wanted my attention and I gave her some...so maybe I am not so bad after all?
I am also tired of my optimism. Its bullshit. I just want to be negative and realistic, right? Keep expectations low! When you don't expect dreams to come true...its a better surprise if they do??? Hmmm still sounds secretly optimistic!
I said in the meeting that I feel like I got the market on crazy. I'm so damn special really. My ego is gonna separate from the entire human race until I ascend like an angel to my rightful home, while pushing everyone away because I am so damn unique. Its an obvious alcoholic thought, mind you we've talked about this a million times in meetings. And I feel it happening to me anyway. I like people, I like connecting to people and the best I can do with that is surface level relationships. I don't get close anymore. Always used to...but just don't anymore. Safer.
I feel this shift in me...curling up inside myself and being quiet. I was painfully shy as a child and now in sobriety I just want to not talk so much. I am morphing into a totally different person and its so friggen weird! I can't decide if its a good direction or not! I don't think being scared to get close to people is necessarily a handy attribute. BUT when I was drinking I know that I got super close to any one that would let me...let's be best friends??? I guess I really am a loner at heart. Maybe just smarter.
So yeah I am sick of talking! Have not decided if that pertains to blog world or not! I know the past month has been too much blogging...its really consumed me. But I do recognize writing is my replacement for drinking...so I don't want to risk that. I know drinking would kill my spirit and besides the fact that its illegal for me, duh! I thought maybe of working on some things privately for awhile and then they can be released after the "assassin" gets me, ya know! I don't know I just friggen like sharing my life in randomness. I think I have a funny life and am interesting a little. Off the charts dramatic and I like to throw in the things I have really seen just for some shock value and I have no where else in my life that I care to shock people! Lol like I have said I just don't talk about the real stuff too much and I need to!
I need to find a forum where people talk their shocking and amazing shit! The design on the carpet turned into writhing snakes! And the candlesticks too! Was I on drugs? NOPE! Then you are just mental lol! And do you see shit anymore? NOT at the moment but we shall see!!! And by the way it was all on act of GOD because I am a prophet!
See lol. I talk too much. I'm not wise enough to be a damn prophet, lol! Typical shit right there!!! Oh yeah I was tired...and then I went off! haha.
Well as I am working in silence thinking how tired I am I realized I am tired of alot of things! Just drained! Its allowed right? I'm tired of talking! I recognize that my blogs have doubled in quantity in the past month and I am not manic or anything but just really friggen talky...and important and entertaining of course! In this time my actual social life is pretty much non existent. People don't exist besides me! Self absorbed much? I was so pumped I was making friends when I finally walked away from Dragon, but here I am just wrapped up in my own little world again. But is this me? Is this just who I am? An egomaniac histrionic writer of fairytales and drama? Well ok an 18 year old gal just called and I am taking her to a meeting tonight...saved by the phone, I am of service! Plus SheRah my cat wanted my attention and I gave her some...so maybe I am not so bad after all?
I am also tired of my optimism. Its bullshit. I just want to be negative and realistic, right? Keep expectations low! When you don't expect dreams to come true...its a better surprise if they do??? Hmmm still sounds secretly optimistic!
I said in the meeting that I feel like I got the market on crazy. I'm so damn special really. My ego is gonna separate from the entire human race until I ascend like an angel to my rightful home, while pushing everyone away because I am so damn unique. Its an obvious alcoholic thought, mind you we've talked about this a million times in meetings. And I feel it happening to me anyway. I like people, I like connecting to people and the best I can do with that is surface level relationships. I don't get close anymore. Always used to...but just don't anymore. Safer.
I feel this shift in me...curling up inside myself and being quiet. I was painfully shy as a child and now in sobriety I just want to not talk so much. I am morphing into a totally different person and its so friggen weird! I can't decide if its a good direction or not! I don't think being scared to get close to people is necessarily a handy attribute. BUT when I was drinking I know that I got super close to any one that would let me...let's be best friends??? I guess I really am a loner at heart. Maybe just smarter.
So yeah I am sick of talking! Have not decided if that pertains to blog world or not! I know the past month has been too much blogging...its really consumed me. But I do recognize writing is my replacement for drinking...so I don't want to risk that. I know drinking would kill my spirit and besides the fact that its illegal for me, duh! I thought maybe of working on some things privately for awhile and then they can be released after the "assassin" gets me, ya know! I don't know I just friggen like sharing my life in randomness. I think I have a funny life and am interesting a little. Off the charts dramatic and I like to throw in the things I have really seen just for some shock value and I have no where else in my life that I care to shock people! Lol like I have said I just don't talk about the real stuff too much and I need to!
I need to find a forum where people talk their shocking and amazing shit! The design on the carpet turned into writhing snakes! And the candlesticks too! Was I on drugs? NOPE! Then you are just mental lol! And do you see shit anymore? NOT at the moment but we shall see!!! And by the way it was all on act of GOD because I am a prophet!
See lol. I talk too much. I'm not wise enough to be a damn prophet, lol! Typical shit right there!!! Oh yeah I was tired...and then I went off! haha.
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