Well I wanna get loaded tonight. Its my imagination that runs wild and I am simply brain damaged over this dude. This blog and writing is my sufficient substitute. Yes there was always alcohol to drink and forget and ever since I have been sober there has been Adam...yes my drug of choice. My fantasy is so powerful I believe it myself??? Its so weird this story that has come out of me!
I was doing so fine setting up my dollhouse stuff and was just gonna stay home and play with it and glue things together. Then I laid down a bit and my damn imagination took over! And I saw him in my mind like I do alot. And then I was in the pits and self pity and why, why, why? Well there's emotional sobriety for you! So I had to go to a meeting. So then at the meeting I saw the guy that likes me there...And I am like what is my actual damage? Like I am choosing this over him? God help my fukn heart! It's beyond ridiculous. I am so stubborn!
Yes. I do think this is keeping me sober even as we speak...or type whatever. Its a good tool. Because all of me just wants to get off the hook tonight! The hard stuff...like to black out and maybe be random with a dude and all the very reason I got sober! Awful! SICK. SAD.
But do you know how much I would have to drink to forget this damn saga? I would have to drink until I died!!! I don't think anyone wants that. I've made it this far. Had almost four years put together. Four hard years filled with bullshit!!! I wouldn't throw this away again. I did for a short time and I know its not what I want. But a night on the town sounds damn good! I don't even care if with strangers! I don't know anyone that drinks anymore, lol.
Thats why I never cared about men in my past. I had alcohol. Sober me is a real lover, lol. A freak and a half. And I am damn sick of my head tricking me into thinking he's gonna come back to me. I am a real dreamer and not facing reality. Is this a sufficient substitute? I've created my empire about someone that likely hates me? I'm cursed in a blessed sort of way. LOL NOT REALLY Laughing outloud.
Not drinking. Going to bed and working at the dollhouse store again in the morning.
I was doing so fine setting up my dollhouse stuff and was just gonna stay home and play with it and glue things together. Then I laid down a bit and my damn imagination took over! And I saw him in my mind like I do alot. And then I was in the pits and self pity and why, why, why? Well there's emotional sobriety for you! So I had to go to a meeting. So then at the meeting I saw the guy that likes me there...And I am like what is my actual damage? Like I am choosing this over him? God help my fukn heart! It's beyond ridiculous. I am so stubborn!
Yes. I do think this is keeping me sober even as we speak...or type whatever. Its a good tool. Because all of me just wants to get off the hook tonight! The hard stuff...like to black out and maybe be random with a dude and all the very reason I got sober! Awful! SICK. SAD.
But do you know how much I would have to drink to forget this damn saga? I would have to drink until I died!!! I don't think anyone wants that. I've made it this far. Had almost four years put together. Four hard years filled with bullshit!!! I wouldn't throw this away again. I did for a short time and I know its not what I want. But a night on the town sounds damn good! I don't even care if with strangers! I don't know anyone that drinks anymore, lol.
Thats why I never cared about men in my past. I had alcohol. Sober me is a real lover, lol. A freak and a half. And I am damn sick of my head tricking me into thinking he's gonna come back to me. I am a real dreamer and not facing reality. Is this a sufficient substitute? I've created my empire about someone that likely hates me? I'm cursed in a blessed sort of way. LOL NOT REALLY Laughing outloud.
Not drinking. Going to bed and working at the dollhouse store again in the morning.
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