I cannot expect to have a relationship in this full blown emotional relapse on Adam. Dude I just acted like a selfish child to a guy. I wanted my needs met when he rightly knows that I am truly not available. And then I called him the player? Oh lord maybe I am a bitch? Sorry dude. This is beyond complicated...damn psychosis telling me someone is my soul mate. Its unfrickenbelievable.
I don't know why this is my lot in life...but damn straight I need to tackle it head on. I was in a relationship for nearly three years...but I never forgot about my damn soul mate. But I would have married Dragon if he had wanted to. But he didn't, and here I am in a relapse on love. I am pissed at myself...I should be further with this.
I am onto something with visualizing a separation between my psychosis visions and what happened in reality, and no longer wanting to blend them in a streamline. If I can separate the spiritual from the World of Flatt, then I can accept it was a chance once in a lifetime encounter. Well I don't think there was any chance about it. God had it planned all along. But I would have to stop believing in spiritual matters...and fat chance of that happening. So, hmmmmmm great plan huh? You could say it wasn't real what happened to me? But it was. So shit, idk.
This is why I need a spiritual therapist, for sure because nothing is resolved for me at all. I'm fukt. Sure I've grown and changed a ton in all this time...alot stronger and yada yada...but my questions remain unanswered. I did send some writing to a couple magazines today. And a website about healing stories. I don't know why I don't think of these things sooner? Maybe God didn't put the thought into me until the timing was right or something. I certainly couldn't have submitted the one to the healing stories a year ago.
I don't know if it is a vision or my imagination...but I thought about being on Ellen, lol! I think she would dig me! I would have to tell her that in heaven she will be straight because we are all in our purest form. I don't know how all that will go over? I just know from what I saw in that month that everyone was straight! No questioning identity...no worrying which restroom to use...no damn hate! No morphing! I won't be hairy! We are all thin and beautiful! No deformities...no illness...no down syndrome...no damn nothing! But every color of skin possible!!!
Anywho. Went to two meetings tonight. In one I talked about what God has done for me through all this. I think it was the most graphic share of my illness that I have ever been willing to do! I'm overcoming my fear of judgement quite nicely!~ Praise God for that!
Have a good night peeps! Dream of heaven tonight!
I don't know why this is my lot in life...but damn straight I need to tackle it head on. I was in a relationship for nearly three years...but I never forgot about my damn soul mate. But I would have married Dragon if he had wanted to. But he didn't, and here I am in a relapse on love. I am pissed at myself...I should be further with this.
I am onto something with visualizing a separation between my psychosis visions and what happened in reality, and no longer wanting to blend them in a streamline. If I can separate the spiritual from the World of Flatt, then I can accept it was a chance once in a lifetime encounter. Well I don't think there was any chance about it. God had it planned all along. But I would have to stop believing in spiritual matters...and fat chance of that happening. So, hmmmmmm great plan huh? You could say it wasn't real what happened to me? But it was. So shit, idk.
This is why I need a spiritual therapist, for sure because nothing is resolved for me at all. I'm fukt. Sure I've grown and changed a ton in all this time...alot stronger and yada yada...but my questions remain unanswered. I did send some writing to a couple magazines today. And a website about healing stories. I don't know why I don't think of these things sooner? Maybe God didn't put the thought into me until the timing was right or something. I certainly couldn't have submitted the one to the healing stories a year ago.
I don't know if it is a vision or my imagination...but I thought about being on Ellen, lol! I think she would dig me! I would have to tell her that in heaven she will be straight because we are all in our purest form. I don't know how all that will go over? I just know from what I saw in that month that everyone was straight! No questioning identity...no worrying which restroom to use...no damn hate! No morphing! I won't be hairy! We are all thin and beautiful! No deformities...no illness...no down syndrome...no damn nothing! But every color of skin possible!!!
Anywho. Went to two meetings tonight. In one I talked about what God has done for me through all this. I think it was the most graphic share of my illness that I have ever been willing to do! I'm overcoming my fear of judgement quite nicely!~ Praise God for that!
Have a good night peeps! Dream of heaven tonight!
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