Reunions

Well I don't know how I got this old, but its my 20 year reunion this year.  Rather than speculation on me, I think I will just go to it.  Maybe.  Haha.  High School was hell for me as you can probably imagine.  I think it was hell for alot of people.  I went from popular cheerleader to schizophrenic  stoner drunk in those four years.  Couldn't of been the "herb" that made me psychotic people tell me?  But yes from the very first time I smoked it it was scary.  Don't know why I did it other than I had a drive to be cool, but it was a demon realm to me for sure.

I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't decided drugs and alcohol were the way to go?  I've smoked pot three times since high school.  Just to see if it was the same, and yes I am that sensative. Everything in the world becomes about me...the radio...my cat talking to me.  Everyone out to get me just like my nightmares, and I can't say one thing right.

I used to have a resentment against the girls that brought me into that world.  I wrote them a letter in early sobriety and they ignored it...it was a 9th step letter, maybe too soon in sobriety because when they didn't acknowledge it I got even more resentful.  They were sisters.  And if you think I am narcissistic they've got me beat ten fold.  But I think they struggled in their own way in high school.  "Whatever" because I heard that one of them was laughing fifteen years later about "fukn up some cheerleader's lives."  There was another cheerleader they messed with and we are still friends, she's done well for herself.  She was in my dream last night. And oh I forgot to mention that I was having a nightmare about high school people...again.  That's why I am writing this... Oh and she laughed at me when I got run over by the car.  Literally came in to the hospital and saw my mutilated body and started cackling, because yes I was popping a squat behind a car.  Who hasn't done that?  But wasn't very funny when I didn't even know if I would walk again.  And there are about a hundred other reasons that I really don't want to deal with her. And she was one of my "friends."

I had lots of friends until I made the decision to party.  That's no one's fault but my own.  I just thought stoners were "cooler" and my drive to be cooler was insatiable...because of how I was rejected when I moved there.  That was traumatic for me and I don't think I ever fully recovered from that til college.

My normal defense mechanism is to laugh when I tell people I am a felony stalker.  I make jokes and play it off and laugh with them, because they are gonna laugh anyway.  I don't think I want to be laughed at about this, at my reunion.  Its not all that funny I was raped and became a drunk.  Really not all that funny.  And the shit I have been through as an adult for my problems as a adolescent is no fukn joke either.  Humor is my coping skill for pain...and I am good at it.  Really good.

I guess I can say I am spiritually gifted...and sober.  And working on myself and writing alot.  And the great thing about 38 versus 18, is I don't care what they think!  I don't know if I even really want to go and the reason being is I am still in the area that I think I should.  I have another option, its around the same time.

My half brother who I have seen twice in my life invited me to his wedding.  I wanted to bring my kids so they can meet all their cousins. My kids only have relatives on my side, their dad is alone in the world with no living family.  The wedding is in Idaho and I had wanted to take my kids onto my birthplace Seattle for a vacation.  But money has absolutely sucked lately.  I was trying to save a hundred a month but it just didn't happen.

I have six younger siblings from my birth dad. Three girls, three boys.  I know I get my height from my mom because I am 5' 7 and my sisters are like 5'1 petite little things with dark hair.  I don't know them very well at all so that's why I thought it might be a tad awkward for me to show up.  Its just the way its played out since I met my birthdad at 18.  He's not very welcoming to say the least.  Lied about not "knowing" about me my whole life. I can't even imagine the shame he must feel.  I would think it would be debilitating.  Not my problem I have tried for was it 17 years? And thought about him my whole life.  His "program" sucks.

He's seen Mitchell once when he was three I went down to my sisters wedding. Other than that he has never cared to know me or his grandchildren. It was slightly awkward on that trip too.  I just don't know them very well and I was insecure and thats really hard for me...to have all those brothers and sisters and not know them.  I guess my grandpa I have met once, died recently too.  Its hell being a bastard. Oldest of 30 grandchildren too.  A cousin found me on FB and called me the "Queen Bee."  Well I don't feel like any sort of "Queen" I feel forgotten.

It was nice he invited me and if we all kept in touch better with them all maybe the decision to go would be easier.  I don't want to bring my kids into a situation where I am going to be emotionally distraught or insecure about who I am.  Or have the awkward conversation with the "father," ..."I can't tell my wife I saw you, let alone take you to a meeting."  Winner, winner  CHICKEN DINNER.  I'm glad I inherited my mom's balls and not my dad's.  LOL.  Whats with dudes in my life being such cowards?  I've called it my "total male apocalypse" before. And he says "you're so pretty, you must get that from your mother."  Yes asshole I got EVERYTHING from my mother! You never gave me shit!  You have "nothing" to do with anything that I've gone through in my life! And I will never let him take credit for anything I accomplish besides his donated sperm cell, that's how little he is to me.

Ok.  So maybe I better not go to the wedding...I might really freak out!  I need to do another fourth step on the sperm.  Maybe I am way too attached to the idea of not liking this man and would cause a stir.  Maybe I couldn't stand that no ones met my kids and all the other cousins have grown up together...they are all close in age.  My siblings are nice enough, but the pain is they do not know me.  And there is no way to get that back.  We are FB friends with occasional comments.One of my brothers is schitzophrenic...so I know it comes from their side.  But basically in this day in age it comes from every direction, so I don't really blame anyone for that.

So decisions...decisions.  Maybe I will just bag it all and go visit the psychward again.  I miss the staff, lol!  I did promise my boys we would road trip to Seattle and Silverwood theme park....so God's gonna have to provide the money, but possibly later in the summer.  Dunno.

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