This blog is supposed to be about recovery...and it is I just don't feel recovered tonight! Or lately I should say...its a process and progress not perfection, right? This is hard shit and I talked about love addiction in the meeting tonight. This cocky rooster walking dude like harshed my mellow before the meeting. He's moving to Bozeman too and I was like don't worry I won't stalk you. I was being funny and he freaked out on me. I am guessing he had issues with it or something the way he reacted cause he made me feel like shit, and I just kept saying that I was teasing him. Doesn't he recognize that affection to such a level is non-transferable? As in I had never fallen in love before and why would his arrogant ass think I could possibly repeat something like this? When you want heroin, you want heroin...and he was looking like applesauce to me! I ain't fukn desperate and this is non-transferable...like I've never when I was drinking not been able stop my heart as weak as it was for men anyway. I was a flake fo sho.
So my share was awesome and a complete over share about my addiction to love. I noticed the rooster dude was giggling. Oh well this shits funny, haha all the time right? I was laughing earlier today...but its like fukn raw and on my mind that I have done three years of weekly therapy over all this specifically and now its all back with a vengeance. I have said brain damaged before...and I say I am smart but lacking common sense...but I don't think the heart understands such technical wording. I was so embaressed by my share. Addiction to a person is no fukn joke. Its seriously the hardest thing I have ever encountered in my life. And I wanna be like if I give any more of my energy to this shit I will have to blow my brains out...and then the next day I get happy again and decieve myself more.
Is this something I should be locked away for? I don't know! It would certainly make me write on paper and not on a laptop! But its all fukn way scary and makes me feel sick to my stomach sometimes and then I feel oh its ok...its just fun...all in good sport...its just love... its just funny...ah shit its making me feel horrible again. Definently like a junkie on heroin.
And I was thinking today how all my memories of him feel like they were from yesterday. And why is that? Its because I never stopped replaying the memories I had in my mind. I hope all you people in early recovery with sexual trauma issues listen to me! And I don't want to be a victim anymore...I played that for so long! What happened in my life is what happened, and it was never his fault, or burden for that matter! Damn poor guy, for real!!! Holy shit I am a hot mess!
The meeting tonight was about willingness and action. How do I stop talking? Typing. Zip my lips! How do I go another direction? Because I am always gonna be a writer...its just me now...I love it! Does saying that I replace drinking with blogging...make it okay? Is writing safe to me? I feel like I've had this blog for three years as a recovery tool and that if there was gonna be an issue with the things I write about it would have happened by now...but that does not give me a lease to be all up in it...all up in it, damn son!!!
R-E-C-O-V-E-R-Y!!! And that means from Adam too. I can do this!!! I know I can!
Oh I get so flustered! I openly cried in the meeting tonight. How could that arrogant ass even think that I just go around getting attached to any dude? He was so mean and I kind of just stood there in shock...like whoa low blow dude, don't you know this brings me pain? I felt more sensitive about that tonight then I have about anything for a long time!!! Whatever Applesauce! And I like applesauce for breakfast...slurp up all that little show barely out of bed!
I like my men like I like my meat, rare to find...rough around the edges... a little tenacious grissle and instead of A1 sauce as a condiment...I will have my heroin on top. Tehe that IS an innuendo! Shoot funny or scary...I'm undecided!!!
Good night!
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