Pusher

So yeah I had someone in my life.  I pushed him away with my fantasy. Could you imagine trying to be with me and then reading all this shit about a guy that treated me like shit four years ago?  It's really too bad.  I guess I was lucky with Dragon cause he never read my blog.

I don't know how I can live a dual life anymore.  I'm gonna be an old maid that pushes everyone away if I keep this up.
And I am such a lover and I deserve to be loved.  That's super shitty of me! It's got a power over me all it's own.

I feel really bad. And like I would do it to any man that would try to be with me right now, and that's just where I am at.  It's not personal.  He's a great guy...I'm just fukt up I guess. And I wear that right on my forehead for some reason I want every guy to stay the fuk away from me. Yep I'm gonna punish every man in the world for Adam not loving me.  Super fukt in all directions!

My fairytale is awful and shitty sometimes.  Makes me question everything. If I could drown my feelings in alcohol I would.  But for God knows why I don't do that anymore.
.Only God knows why!