Maybe this thought process will help me let go...maybe...I hope!!! So I have mentioned this but my first month long psychosis was my senior year of high school induced by pot. I hallucinated that everyone else had made it to heaven and I was alone. I needed a soul mate and I didn't have one and I needed to put together things that represented me so that I could go with...but I couldn't and everything I looked at made me feel evil. And then I came out it. Normal...college. Forgot about it til it happened again at twenty. Same deal no soul mate, not able to pack for heaven, psychward. Forgot about it. Radiology career. Twenty-six. Same deal. Came out of it...forgot about it. Thirty-two pregnant, Grand mal seizure...wrote some weird shit. Came out of it. Forgot about it. Always hell. Demonic. Trapped.
So this is what I think is gonna help me. In 2013 I had been writing to Adam. I didn't think anything about him being my soul mate until a therapist gave me a handout the day after the restraining order hearing. Eight days later I was quite manic. I packed and I didn't even know that's what I was doing because I was not psychotic when I started, but def was by the time I was done. On top of the plastic tub, I wrote Million dollar love story and our birth dates. I should of aimed higher...a billion sounds more like it lol. I was writing our story so yes that was it we were going to be famous! I was planning to leave this box on Adam's doorstep, but my car had been hit by a garbage truck the week earlier and wouldn't start. And then I spent a month in a heavenly psychosis...blah blah blah I talk about heaven all the time. It was amazing! I kept the top to the plastic tub for a long time...But my mom made me throw it away when I moved last year. If my books do get famous maybe someone will find it and it will be worth something...Lol. I dream big!
See why its so real to me? But here's the thing...maybe he was just my psychosis soul mate? Someone put in place in my life to help me? To help my psyche heal? To help me love a man for the first time in my life? To trust one? To start to heal from sexual trauma PTSD, which I didn't know I had? I never knew the difference...all because he was good to me? To never have this person in my life again? Because today when I was praying God said "now you know how to love, now love me like you love Adam." I said help me with this God it is too big for me. He said..."I am." And every question I had He kept saying to me "I am." "Now trust Me like you trust Adam." Then I said "I am." And He told me good things will come out of this and to stop walking in fear. Its because I was thinking crazy people that won't get over dudes just get locked away and forgotten. And I just have so much hope for my life now that I am sane. And he also told me to get out of my head and take my kids to the park lol! So I listened. And while the boys were running around the rocks I had all this come to me!
It was a healing! A super fricken natural healing! No one who has never been insane would know how when you come out of it is such a relief it brings tears to your eyes, and you are just overwhelmed with gratitude. And every time I would come out of psychosis I would just praise God with all that was in me...because hell is so so so scary! And I never want to go there again!
And as my favorite movie lady says at the end of Wizard of OZ...
"Doesn't anybody believe me?'
And they say "there there now...you just had a very bad dream."
Bullshit Oz is real!!!
Gosh I hope this helps me let go and accept that I most def scare the shit out of him!!! Its all been kinda fricken scary...and so vibrantly amazing at the same time! God let this help me! I gotta keep on thinking this way. Someone at a meeting told me to think about Adam as my brother in recovery...would you treat your brother this way? Call him heroin? Mock him for being scared?
No...I can be damn scary people!!! But I really really hope I am healed!!! I so want to believe that my healing came with a felony...and those earthly labels have no bounds in heaven!!!!
OMG GOD THANK YOU FOR THIS DAY! AMEN. I TRUST YOU!
So this is what I think is gonna help me. In 2013 I had been writing to Adam. I didn't think anything about him being my soul mate until a therapist gave me a handout the day after the restraining order hearing. Eight days later I was quite manic. I packed and I didn't even know that's what I was doing because I was not psychotic when I started, but def was by the time I was done. On top of the plastic tub, I wrote Million dollar love story and our birth dates. I should of aimed higher...a billion sounds more like it lol. I was writing our story so yes that was it we were going to be famous! I was planning to leave this box on Adam's doorstep, but my car had been hit by a garbage truck the week earlier and wouldn't start. And then I spent a month in a heavenly psychosis...blah blah blah I talk about heaven all the time. It was amazing! I kept the top to the plastic tub for a long time...But my mom made me throw it away when I moved last year. If my books do get famous maybe someone will find it and it will be worth something...Lol. I dream big!
See why its so real to me? But here's the thing...maybe he was just my psychosis soul mate? Someone put in place in my life to help me? To help my psyche heal? To help me love a man for the first time in my life? To trust one? To start to heal from sexual trauma PTSD, which I didn't know I had? I never knew the difference...all because he was good to me? To never have this person in my life again? Because today when I was praying God said "now you know how to love, now love me like you love Adam." I said help me with this God it is too big for me. He said..."I am." And every question I had He kept saying to me "I am." "Now trust Me like you trust Adam." Then I said "I am." And He told me good things will come out of this and to stop walking in fear. Its because I was thinking crazy people that won't get over dudes just get locked away and forgotten. And I just have so much hope for my life now that I am sane. And he also told me to get out of my head and take my kids to the park lol! So I listened. And while the boys were running around the rocks I had all this come to me!
It was a healing! A super fricken natural healing! No one who has never been insane would know how when you come out of it is such a relief it brings tears to your eyes, and you are just overwhelmed with gratitude. And every time I would come out of psychosis I would just praise God with all that was in me...because hell is so so so scary! And I never want to go there again!
And as my favorite movie lady says at the end of Wizard of OZ...
"Doesn't anybody believe me?'
And they say "there there now...you just had a very bad dream."
Bullshit Oz is real!!!
Gosh I hope this helps me let go and accept that I most def scare the shit out of him!!! Its all been kinda fricken scary...and so vibrantly amazing at the same time! God let this help me! I gotta keep on thinking this way. Someone at a meeting told me to think about Adam as my brother in recovery...would you treat your brother this way? Call him heroin? Mock him for being scared?
No...I can be damn scary people!!! But I really really hope I am healed!!! I so want to believe that my healing came with a felony...and those earthly labels have no bounds in heaven!!!!
OMG GOD THANK YOU FOR THIS DAY! AMEN. I TRUST YOU!
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