Well it's "mail day" around my place...and that's alot of mail! I recognize that really there is more paperwork involved with being a poor person than actually having an office job...pretty sure of it. Forms for everything! I am looking at about a 20 page form for my apartment and they are gonna kick me out in fourteen days if I don't clean it. They inspect this Friday and its been clean several times since they pranced in, but alas I do have children. And I am not really a neat freak or anything. Unless I am manic...so hey there is another good sign of my health!
I am assuming they are not liking that my vacuum doesn't work! Lol I have had three vaccuums in three years! I must SUCK! Alot. I was cleaning up after my kids before I checked the mail...and I thought HEY FUN MOM! THIS IS NOT FUN! AT ALL. There is popcorn all over my living room floor and leftover Halloween candy wrappers strewn all over my bedroom. That's what totally sucks about being a weekend mom, because I have grown accustomed to keeping the peace by not making them do things they will resist me on. I mean they do listen to me pretty good...but I just "entertain" mostly if you know what I mean.
Mitchell and I had a good talk about his incident with the walking stick beating. I tried to explain DD to him...and about compassion. And understanding that that girl was probably picked on alot and she thought she could pick on him. And he told me it hurt his feelings more than his body, and I told him I understand that very well.
I think thats why I want to stick up for myself. You see I recognized through all this that I need to advocate for myself...because it really blew me away when all the people I knew when I worked for the city dissapeared. I have pictures of my end of Vista Service party...and pictures from Project Homeless Connect and there were alot of people that "loved" on Miranda. And they are gone. I don't know any of them any more. Some stayed FB friends, yes. And I thought, wow. This is really what it is like for people with mental illness. POOF! The very people that were so "into" helping this city, that I sat and talked with about issues for two years, didn't even help me!!! I don't want to say "nobody," because there have been some.
Its so good that the people in the program have become my family. Its a whole different universe from where I was though. BUT the thing is I have worked through all this and now I want to help other people. Voc Rehab won't help me with my peer mentor business or school...so there is an answer at least. Its been a long 90 days to hear "no." I am on a waiting list...just got the letter. I was daft to think they would pay for school for someone with three degrees already anyway....and have kind lost the drive to learn about "chemical imbalance" bullshit. I have more potential in life focusing on the spiritual, because I've lived it.
And I am kind of thinking that I am not allowed to act opinionated or slightly bitchy without it being "mental illness." I have a strong opinion on someone's behavior and its like oh you are "just manic." Its maybe because I am pretty nice and laid back with friends most the time, but I got defriended for having my own melt down at work change yesterday. And I have bent over backwards to help her out. I'm not worried about it...its just the way my life has been. I'm used to rejection from people I get close to. I pretty much expect it to happen. It can generally go on for years that people will be my friend then one day its just "you're too much" or "you're not enough." One of those two scenarios.
That's okay. I'm okay with it. Life is suppose to teach you things right? I think I am just the way God made me and I am supremely happy with my recovery. I really think I can help other people! You know the other ones that get picked on and don't know how to take a stand. Maybe I will come off bitchy about all this...but oh well. Hopefully "tenacious" and "stubborn" and "quick witted" will be more fitting.
So all that came out of me because I opened my mail...anyhoo. Thanks for listening.
I am assuming they are not liking that my vacuum doesn't work! Lol I have had three vaccuums in three years! I must SUCK! Alot. I was cleaning up after my kids before I checked the mail...and I thought HEY FUN MOM! THIS IS NOT FUN! AT ALL. There is popcorn all over my living room floor and leftover Halloween candy wrappers strewn all over my bedroom. That's what totally sucks about being a weekend mom, because I have grown accustomed to keeping the peace by not making them do things they will resist me on. I mean they do listen to me pretty good...but I just "entertain" mostly if you know what I mean.
Mitchell and I had a good talk about his incident with the walking stick beating. I tried to explain DD to him...and about compassion. And understanding that that girl was probably picked on alot and she thought she could pick on him. And he told me it hurt his feelings more than his body, and I told him I understand that very well.
I think thats why I want to stick up for myself. You see I recognized through all this that I need to advocate for myself...because it really blew me away when all the people I knew when I worked for the city dissapeared. I have pictures of my end of Vista Service party...and pictures from Project Homeless Connect and there were alot of people that "loved" on Miranda. And they are gone. I don't know any of them any more. Some stayed FB friends, yes. And I thought, wow. This is really what it is like for people with mental illness. POOF! The very people that were so "into" helping this city, that I sat and talked with about issues for two years, didn't even help me!!! I don't want to say "nobody," because there have been some.
Its so good that the people in the program have become my family. Its a whole different universe from where I was though. BUT the thing is I have worked through all this and now I want to help other people. Voc Rehab won't help me with my peer mentor business or school...so there is an answer at least. Its been a long 90 days to hear "no." I am on a waiting list...just got the letter. I was daft to think they would pay for school for someone with three degrees already anyway....and have kind lost the drive to learn about "chemical imbalance" bullshit. I have more potential in life focusing on the spiritual, because I've lived it.
And I am kind of thinking that I am not allowed to act opinionated or slightly bitchy without it being "mental illness." I have a strong opinion on someone's behavior and its like oh you are "just manic." Its maybe because I am pretty nice and laid back with friends most the time, but I got defriended for having my own melt down at work change yesterday. And I have bent over backwards to help her out. I'm not worried about it...its just the way my life has been. I'm used to rejection from people I get close to. I pretty much expect it to happen. It can generally go on for years that people will be my friend then one day its just "you're too much" or "you're not enough." One of those two scenarios.
That's okay. I'm okay with it. Life is suppose to teach you things right? I think I am just the way God made me and I am supremely happy with my recovery. I really think I can help other people! You know the other ones that get picked on and don't know how to take a stand. Maybe I will come off bitchy about all this...but oh well. Hopefully "tenacious" and "stubborn" and "quick witted" will be more fitting.
So all that came out of me because I opened my mail...anyhoo. Thanks for listening.
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