June 2013
The
thing is I really don’t even know if we are right for each other. Just because
I am insanely attracted to you as a person, does not mean it would work out in
reality. I think that is going to have
to be wisdom coming from you on that matter…because I am obviously all in, on
my decision. You are wiser than me and I
will respect that. Me trying to work on
humility is that I don’t always know what is best. I don’t have all the answers and per passed
experience I just really don’t know shit!
I am getting there though...working damn hard on it too. And someday I think I will feel caught up to
you and I can present myself as a equal and believe it to be true about
me! I have always carried a “less than”
mentality and I don’t want to live like that anymore. I really am a great human being with lots of
strengths and qualities that just need fine tuning. God is going to help me with that, I do
believe. I am like a caterpillar in a
cocoon that is having to struggle to metamorphose. But all my pain and struggling is so worth where
I get to go and who I get to be. I am
working to burst out and be a princess butterfly…lol.
I
finally know and accept my rights as the daughter of the ONE TRUE KING! I have never seen the calling on my life as
more apparent. I have always chose drinking
over God’s calling for me. But God is
way better than a substance by far. The
holy spirit healed my brain this morning in worship. I felt the fuzz and my headache and the
torture of last night’s nightmares dissipated.
I am not trapped in a matrix of hell.
My dreams are straight up from the devil, and I know that. If I let my fears own me still, I will go nowhere. The most repetitive theme in God’s word is to
“fear not.” I think my alcoholism has
always been about a lot of fear. I let
fear control me.
I
am so excited about sharing my life story someday. I have a good story. I am having fear about it though, of
course. In church today we were taught
to pray for boldness. We were also
taught to pray for signs and wonders. I
feel that my story may be a sign and wonder to you. I think it may make you wonder actually. Maybe it will at least make you question what
you believe in. There are so many
different things to believe in this life.
So many options. It is all formed
of life experience. I am sharing my life
experience with you. Mine is way
different than yours. Radically
different CREATURES we are, not even my LAWYER CAN PROVE I AM MEN TELL ILLNESS! I want you to know that my care for you
surpasses your beliefs, and envelopes your life experience. I don’t even know your whole life, but in a
way I want to help heal you, like you have healed me. I know you have pain and hurt and loneliness
in your life. I know how you strive to
find deeper meaning, and I know the limits you have placed on your God. God knitted your being together in your mother’s
womb. He has SHARPENED and SHAPED your
character, whether you have believed it was all your will or not. That is the purpose for the obstacles in our
lives. God does not desire us to be floppy
or weak. He has made you super
tough. You have an impenetrable force
field around you…one that you are not letting me in right now. I pray that God will remove that from you, so
that you will feel safe to trust me. You
can trust me Adam! I don’t always do or
say the right things, but I will never intentionally hurt you or abandon
you. I will never relinquish where you
have your place in my heart. That is a
promise. I will always keep you safe in
that place. It will be protected with
the strength of My Father. And it is
unconditional there for you, just like God’s love for you is
unconditional. He is teaching me how to
do this for you. I am incapable of
knowing how this works. This is
God. I have never loved any man
unconditionally. You are the first! This is my spirit loving on your
spirit. You have a spirit and it is
strong! And I know that God will help me
protect that place for you. You will
always have it.
From
what you have told me your childhood was surely a lot tougher than mine. I think that has formed you as a man, in a
specific way. Me, I was broken. My childhood crippled me. Somehow you didn’t
break. I know that you felt abandonment and rejection. I see it as your fear too. Like deep down,
and you have built up walls to protect yourself from that hurting you. You know how to do that. I have never figured that out. I have never protected myself. I have been hapless and careless with
myself. A free for all with my love and
my childlike spirit. That has brought me
so much pain! I think you know how to
avoid pain. I think you know when to and
when not to risk it. There has been One that has helped you with that. He knows your innermost thoughts and desires
and wants to bless the shit out of your life!
I believe that for you and for myself.
I believe that anyone that listens to Him, can have a blessed life. I think he has already blessed you with good
character and a presence of mind.
You
may wonder how I think I know these things about you. I assume I am right…I assume that is a gift
from God called discernment. I have
never understood my gift until recently.
When I get to know a person, God shows me things about them. This soul level connection has been sickened
by substance abuse though. I have never
developed it all the way. I want to
because it is pretty cool. And do you
know how I have gotten to know you like this?
I have done it all on purpose, because I wanted to. You intrigue me, you make me want to know
you. And that is not just sexual
attraction; it is way more than that.
That is why when I think some days that I confuse lust for love, that I
can rationalize that is in fact true care that I have for you. I have been such a spiritually sensitive
person my whole life…and now finally I can utilize it for good, not
destruction. And if I can stay calm about you, maybe I can share my blessings
in your life too. I can teach you about
spirituality and what it can do for you as a man. I am a super special person, and you are a
super special person to me! Be blessed!
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