So is my heart holding on impressive? Or insane? I'd say quite impressively ridiculous! Because I've had so many people yapping at me and naysayers making fun of me all this time. If I have to hear that he's "not that good looking" one more time, I will projectile vomit on the person. Yeah I suppose he is average looking...but to me he turned into the hottest dude ever! Weird right? I don't care for those stuck up good looking guys anyway. Especially gym dudes...I just think they are empty. That's super judgemental but I want substance...Intensity. Issues with being loved, lol. Fixer uppers that are so sensative that you really don't want them to get mad at you!!!
Maybe that's the journey of discovery for me. Just accepting he doesn't want love? And there's nothing I could do to change that? Maybe he's just as fukt up by this world as I am? Well that's reaching cause I don't think he is mental. He did concentrate alot so I decided he was a crossover for my book. I made alot of my friends, realm crossers in my book as a way to not feel so alone with it.
I had his picture up on my shelf with all my family for like three years. Yes even when I was with Dragon! Dragon was always pretty laid back and understanding about it. I took some hits for that and had my friend Nick called it a shrine. It was one picture on my family shelf...He did rate up there like family to me. It's gone now. I got pissed one day and threw it in the garbage. No I didn't cut him up into pieces, lol. Of course I get mad sometimes!
I guess what I'm getting at is I have gone through so much more with this than anything else in my life. He's definitely more than a drug to me...He's alot of things wrapped in one. My mom said yesterday that if he did come back to me maybe I wouldnt even like him? I dont think that's possible...Because I am a soulfully sound person. And if I wasn't, every naysayer and advice giver would have twisted my insane heart and I would hate him!
I wondered tonight if I could somehow turn it all into hate? But I'm no hater. I can't think of anyone I hate except the devil. If I turned it into hate I'd be a bitter old hag! Someone told me about woundmates and suggested I look into it, because no one understands that he was healing to me. They call him every name in the book and I defend him. No one understands. They call him evil. And I trust no one's judgement about him but my own, and that's damn scary at times. Living on the edge.
I don't know he could just really be an asshole? I didn't see that when I knew him. A hard ass for sure...Good boundaries. Trying to teach me a lesson I presume. And if I could stop freaking talking about it all then maybe I would be acing the test. It's too big to me. All this has been too big.
Sober hearts are difficult. Never had one before. Maybe thats why it's so big to me cause I've never loved anybody sober before. Everyone has a first time for everything! Sobriety is so hard! And so amazing.
I've had alot of pain...But I don't think my heart is broken. Sure I've gone through all the emotions??? But I don't know what to do to make it give up? I can say I mentally give up and make that decision over and over...It's an insane heart I have! Um maybe a human heart! One that doesn't listen to my brain...It's the strangest shit ever! Who knew?
How about a bloody Mary? I like those alot! With extra green olives! And make that a double...I will have maybe two more of those and then some dark beers! Maybe a pitcher, to get me started! If we're having fun let's dance on the bar for shots! My boobs are "picture perfect" lol, so let's do a wet t-shirt contest! It's cool my kids are with the sitter! Hi handsome what's your name?
I'm functioning with half my brain right now and in a blackout, but you can't tell one bit because I am so much fun!!! Oh is it morning??? Did I cry last night? Yes you did. And then you started beating me up.
So much fun. Alcoholic much? Repressed anger issues much? Another gag me with a rocket! No thanks. I will just keep on trucking with my sober insane heart!
Maybe that's the journey of discovery for me. Just accepting he doesn't want love? And there's nothing I could do to change that? Maybe he's just as fukt up by this world as I am? Well that's reaching cause I don't think he is mental. He did concentrate alot so I decided he was a crossover for my book. I made alot of my friends, realm crossers in my book as a way to not feel so alone with it.
I had his picture up on my shelf with all my family for like three years. Yes even when I was with Dragon! Dragon was always pretty laid back and understanding about it. I took some hits for that and had my friend Nick called it a shrine. It was one picture on my family shelf...He did rate up there like family to me. It's gone now. I got pissed one day and threw it in the garbage. No I didn't cut him up into pieces, lol. Of course I get mad sometimes!
I guess what I'm getting at is I have gone through so much more with this than anything else in my life. He's definitely more than a drug to me...He's alot of things wrapped in one. My mom said yesterday that if he did come back to me maybe I wouldnt even like him? I dont think that's possible...Because I am a soulfully sound person. And if I wasn't, every naysayer and advice giver would have twisted my insane heart and I would hate him!
I wondered tonight if I could somehow turn it all into hate? But I'm no hater. I can't think of anyone I hate except the devil. If I turned it into hate I'd be a bitter old hag! Someone told me about woundmates and suggested I look into it, because no one understands that he was healing to me. They call him every name in the book and I defend him. No one understands. They call him evil. And I trust no one's judgement about him but my own, and that's damn scary at times. Living on the edge.
I don't know he could just really be an asshole? I didn't see that when I knew him. A hard ass for sure...Good boundaries. Trying to teach me a lesson I presume. And if I could stop freaking talking about it all then maybe I would be acing the test. It's too big to me. All this has been too big.
Sober hearts are difficult. Never had one before. Maybe thats why it's so big to me cause I've never loved anybody sober before. Everyone has a first time for everything! Sobriety is so hard! And so amazing.
I've had alot of pain...But I don't think my heart is broken. Sure I've gone through all the emotions??? But I don't know what to do to make it give up? I can say I mentally give up and make that decision over and over...It's an insane heart I have! Um maybe a human heart! One that doesn't listen to my brain...It's the strangest shit ever! Who knew?
How about a bloody Mary? I like those alot! With extra green olives! And make that a double...I will have maybe two more of those and then some dark beers! Maybe a pitcher, to get me started! If we're having fun let's dance on the bar for shots! My boobs are "picture perfect" lol, so let's do a wet t-shirt contest! It's cool my kids are with the sitter! Hi handsome what's your name?
I'm functioning with half my brain right now and in a blackout, but you can't tell one bit because I am so much fun!!! Oh is it morning??? Did I cry last night? Yes you did. And then you started beating me up.
So much fun. Alcoholic much? Repressed anger issues much? Another gag me with a rocket! No thanks. I will just keep on trucking with my sober insane heart!
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