I'm not alone right now. But I have this overwhelming sense that I am alone. Emotions are weird. Glad I can deal with them without drinking over them now. This thing with me...This mental maybe spiritual thing I have makes me feel alone. Like I can see the surface of things and people and circumstances and feel detached from it all. I wonder if thats what my medication takes from me. Cause when I am there I am so connected and one with the universe. And here in this moment I'm just alone. It's not the most alone I have ever felt because when I would visit hell I would be the only one there watching people go to heaven in pairs and leaving me behind. In the lowest pit in the bottom of hell and I was a germ...The smallest insignificant particle in the bottom of hell. That was never a good feeling lol. I remember going through my phone once and there was not one person in a thousand contacts that I could call that would care...They were all damning me to hell. I don't know why I have these experiences? Maybe so that I will appreciate that I'm not that alone lol? Another thing that happened is I was told in my psychosis that my own children were not mine...That I was so awful as a mother that they would inherit heaven and I was left behind. Imagine how I felt to see them walk through the door...That they were still of me! That's the thing with my hell is I am so evil...Nothing I do is right no matter if I turn left or right it is wrong. This happens sometimes in my nightmares too. But the cool shit with that is I got a playback in heaven. It was all turned for good...All of it flipped. And that happens in my dreams too. All can be turned for good!
So I guess I am great full. I'm not incredibly alone right now. I am not tripping in a hell psychosis. And although I say I miss the specialness of these journeys I dont miss hell...I miss heaven. And I think we were all created to miss heaven! That desire is in all of us! Just that I got to see it before I died. And maybe it wasn't even the half of it!!!
So I guess I am great full. I'm not incredibly alone right now. I am not tripping in a hell psychosis. And although I say I miss the specialness of these journeys I dont miss hell...I miss heaven. And I think we were all created to miss heaven! That desire is in all of us! Just that I got to see it before I died. And maybe it wasn't even the half of it!!!
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