So when I was a teenager cigarettes were a two dollars and sold in vending machines at the Sheraton Hotel in Billings...so we would drive to Billings and go to a "fancy hotel" and get them, or underage buy them at a convenience store that did this in Laurel. Well that was 22 years ago...and today they are $7.10 and I hear they are going up.
I loathe my addiction. It makes me feel like shit to my kids who believe it is "drugs." And then finding a way to have money for it...when I have "no money." It breaks my heart over and over. And their dad is addicted too. I wonder what it will be like for them and if it will ever be cool for them to smoke in their generation? I really dig the "no smoking" commercials...they are on point for sure! But how do they make people who are addicted feel about themselves? And why am I so damn addicted to a smoking a white twig anyway?
I made it six days a couple weeks ago because I didn't work that week I guess...because everyone smokes where I work. I was sooooooooooooooooooooo... proud of myself! And this has happened many times! I have had three months before. Three weeks. Days here and there where forced to quit because of no money. And I even smoked when I was pregnant. Not a lot but I would "sneak them." The shame in that is unbearable! Don't want to tell no one that! And I see it going on around me all the time, a lot of pregnant women smoke still! WHY?
I know my low point is when I dig for snipes. NOW I like my own snipes which is a partially smoked cigarette. AND I used to throw them in my yard and find em when I needed em. Forshame! BUT if I know the person I will use another's snipe. I know that homeless people use other peoples snipes all the time...in fact I imagine you don't even have to be homeless to "snipe hunt." I have! Oh there is a good one, yay!!!
I pulled my last five dollars out of my account yesterday and borrowed two dollars from my neighbor who also gives me cigarettes sometimes...this is the nastiest addictive substance legal in the world! Money, money, money! Making money off me aging my self? And then alot of the times I suck in, I think how awful it is to me and it goes through cycles of being "ok," to me hating myself, on repeat since about 10 years ago!
I didn't mind it as much when I partied. I don' t know how to quit. I don't know what to do!!! Smoking makes me hate myself!!! And bumming makes me hate myself! I was gonna try hypnosis, but when it came here I couldn't afford it. This is awful!
I don't want to feed the machine anymore!!! I worked out to this song by Red in 2013 and it was very powerful to me! I don't know why the machine sucks you back in over and over...its just part of the system I guess. Please watch the video. Reminds me of the Matrix...why do we just watch all these movies about this shit and just still "watch" all these movies and think they are just "entertainment?" I think its all preparing us for something big!
I am not gonna say I am gonna "quit" smoking...and set myself up again to feel bad. Just that I want to with everything in me and so far everything in me and prayer to God has not been enough. But Big tobacco is NOT stronger than My God and I believe that.
Here is a link to another blog about my addiction. http://mdye78.blogspot.com/2016/02/so-wrong-its-right.html
I loathe my addiction. It makes me feel like shit to my kids who believe it is "drugs." And then finding a way to have money for it...when I have "no money." It breaks my heart over and over. And their dad is addicted too. I wonder what it will be like for them and if it will ever be cool for them to smoke in their generation? I really dig the "no smoking" commercials...they are on point for sure! But how do they make people who are addicted feel about themselves? And why am I so damn addicted to a smoking a white twig anyway?
I made it six days a couple weeks ago because I didn't work that week I guess...because everyone smokes where I work. I was sooooooooooooooooooooo... proud of myself! And this has happened many times! I have had three months before. Three weeks. Days here and there where forced to quit because of no money. And I even smoked when I was pregnant. Not a lot but I would "sneak them." The shame in that is unbearable! Don't want to tell no one that! And I see it going on around me all the time, a lot of pregnant women smoke still! WHY?
I know my low point is when I dig for snipes. NOW I like my own snipes which is a partially smoked cigarette. AND I used to throw them in my yard and find em when I needed em. Forshame! BUT if I know the person I will use another's snipe. I know that homeless people use other peoples snipes all the time...in fact I imagine you don't even have to be homeless to "snipe hunt." I have! Oh there is a good one, yay!!!
I pulled my last five dollars out of my account yesterday and borrowed two dollars from my neighbor who also gives me cigarettes sometimes...this is the nastiest addictive substance legal in the world! Money, money, money! Making money off me aging my self? And then alot of the times I suck in, I think how awful it is to me and it goes through cycles of being "ok," to me hating myself, on repeat since about 10 years ago!
I didn't mind it as much when I partied. I don' t know how to quit. I don't know what to do!!! Smoking makes me hate myself!!! And bumming makes me hate myself! I was gonna try hypnosis, but when it came here I couldn't afford it. This is awful!
I don't want to feed the machine anymore!!! I worked out to this song by Red in 2013 and it was very powerful to me! I don't know why the machine sucks you back in over and over...its just part of the system I guess. Please watch the video. Reminds me of the Matrix...why do we just watch all these movies about this shit and just still "watch" all these movies and think they are just "entertainment?" I think its all preparing us for something big!
I am not gonna say I am gonna "quit" smoking...and set myself up again to feel bad. Just that I want to with everything in me and so far everything in me and prayer to God has not been enough. But Big tobacco is NOT stronger than My God and I believe that.
Here is a link to another blog about my addiction. http://mdye78.blogspot.com/2016/02/so-wrong-its-right.html
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