So I went to my friend's baby shower tonight...she is having a girl. I got a little choked up watching her open presents. All the little girly things...and I tried to pin point if I was jealous, or what exactly was making me emotional? She has two boys that play with my boys, and overall I decided that I wasn't jealous, I was just really happy for her. And cute gift after cute gift and one of the last ones was a onesie with a fox on it. Her sister likes foxes, and I about lost it there. It was cute.
I've written in poems about my girl. I think she is other side...waiting for me to crossover when it is my time. I've named her a dozen names, and I imagine fighting with her over pigtails. Playing fairies and Barbies and I'd even let her "touch" my dollhouse stuff! And we'd argue about how she is "supposed to be," and then I would just let her be whoever her little heart desired. I've spun out a million times wondering if I could, if I would...ever dare to try for a daughter.
Problem being... all that I have shared on here. Problem being that I am not always sick. Maybe thats what the court never figured out about me...that I am sick for a couple weeks or a month and then normal again...it was worse for those couple of years of course...but I can go five years without a psychosis. I remember my lawyer telling me that no one will believe you have a bad mental illness. That's why he wouldn't try the insanity plea with a jury trial. No one would believe it.
Is that a blessing or a curse? That I am not perma "fukt" by the things I go through? The cynicism would be less bothersome for sure. People wondering if I make up my mental illness because they just can't believe if I was that "bad" how can I drive a car? My ex said that to me once. He never cared to understand me. He's decent now, but I remember saying "I shouldn't have the kids right now." and he'd come back "well then you shouldn't be driving either." Maybe lol. But usually in demonic psychosis I am pretty much afraid to go anywhere and catatonic with fear.
And it really happens with very little warning. It can be a song that triggers me, or just a short phrase...and something flips in my mind. Paranoia is usually a sign. So I've outgrown that alot in my sobriety. Because I don't really read into what people say to me too much anymore. I try not to look for deeper meanings or give credit to coincidences. When things feel like they are all lining up and making sense in my world as if it was orchestrated perfectly for me...to go my way, that's when I know I might be crossing over.
But like I said. That hasn't happened for a long time...doesn't mean it won't. I just don't know. But today I am well and I am thinking about a little girl, with long dark hair....and blue eyes like mine...and I can see her. And I love her.
Sometimes life isn't fair. And I know that alot of women would probably want to kill me for thinking this selfishly...because I have two beautifully perfect children. But I sometimes just want to scream at my life. "Quit playing games with me!" "I'm either well or I am not!" "Quit taking everything away from me...including men that I love." And then giving it back...just to take it away again!
I know I loved my ex husband in a very "alcoholic" way...and he basically called me garbage to him after my pregnancy psychosis. I try so fricken hard in this world. I do. And I always try to stay positive and I smile and encourage EVERYBODY. There isn't a person on this earth that I wouldn't try be nice to. And God gives me that kind of heart no matter how people treat me, or what they think of me, I know I am a nice person. And yet I've been called an arrogant bitch? I guess it's my awkward people skills sometimes that get me in trouble...but its not as often any more and I am learning in sobriety.
Anyway. That was a whole lot of whole lot of my tear ducts are working again....WOW! The baby shower just made me super emotional...and I thought of all that on the drive home. I remember my mom telling me I should write more things about "what its like?" I guess there you have it. I want a baby girl and I know I don't get one. Baby, Let Go...
I've written in poems about my girl. I think she is other side...waiting for me to crossover when it is my time. I've named her a dozen names, and I imagine fighting with her over pigtails. Playing fairies and Barbies and I'd even let her "touch" my dollhouse stuff! And we'd argue about how she is "supposed to be," and then I would just let her be whoever her little heart desired. I've spun out a million times wondering if I could, if I would...ever dare to try for a daughter.
Problem being... all that I have shared on here. Problem being that I am not always sick. Maybe thats what the court never figured out about me...that I am sick for a couple weeks or a month and then normal again...it was worse for those couple of years of course...but I can go five years without a psychosis. I remember my lawyer telling me that no one will believe you have a bad mental illness. That's why he wouldn't try the insanity plea with a jury trial. No one would believe it.
Is that a blessing or a curse? That I am not perma "fukt" by the things I go through? The cynicism would be less bothersome for sure. People wondering if I make up my mental illness because they just can't believe if I was that "bad" how can I drive a car? My ex said that to me once. He never cared to understand me. He's decent now, but I remember saying "I shouldn't have the kids right now." and he'd come back "well then you shouldn't be driving either." Maybe lol. But usually in demonic psychosis I am pretty much afraid to go anywhere and catatonic with fear.
And it really happens with very little warning. It can be a song that triggers me, or just a short phrase...and something flips in my mind. Paranoia is usually a sign. So I've outgrown that alot in my sobriety. Because I don't really read into what people say to me too much anymore. I try not to look for deeper meanings or give credit to coincidences. When things feel like they are all lining up and making sense in my world as if it was orchestrated perfectly for me...to go my way, that's when I know I might be crossing over.
But like I said. That hasn't happened for a long time...doesn't mean it won't. I just don't know. But today I am well and I am thinking about a little girl, with long dark hair....and blue eyes like mine...and I can see her. And I love her.
Sometimes life isn't fair. And I know that alot of women would probably want to kill me for thinking this selfishly...because I have two beautifully perfect children. But I sometimes just want to scream at my life. "Quit playing games with me!" "I'm either well or I am not!" "Quit taking everything away from me...including men that I love." And then giving it back...just to take it away again!
I know I loved my ex husband in a very "alcoholic" way...and he basically called me garbage to him after my pregnancy psychosis. I try so fricken hard in this world. I do. And I always try to stay positive and I smile and encourage EVERYBODY. There isn't a person on this earth that I wouldn't try be nice to. And God gives me that kind of heart no matter how people treat me, or what they think of me, I know I am a nice person. And yet I've been called an arrogant bitch? I guess it's my awkward people skills sometimes that get me in trouble...but its not as often any more and I am learning in sobriety.
Anyway. That was a whole lot of whole lot of my tear ducts are working again....WOW! The baby shower just made me super emotional...and I thought of all that on the drive home. I remember my mom telling me I should write more things about "what its like?" I guess there you have it. I want a baby girl and I know I don't get one. Baby, Let Go...
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