I've noticed I've been real upbeat and positive lately... Excited to be single and work on my shit. Strange how it took me so long to walk away from Dragon and how well I am doing with it all. I was pretty codependent on him. Nothing is getting me down. I am ecstatic about life in general and made plans to tell my life story at a meeting next Sunday! I cannot believe I almost threw it all away thinking I didn't have a problem with alcohol anymore. Yeah I blacked out on a date. Not cool. Exactly why I stopped five years ago. I really am much better without it. More self love I guess.
I was reading some blogs from last year and I was really blah. I vaguely remember that. I was on a shot med that made me dull and flat and nothing would bring me joy. I guess meds really do matter. I had to get on lithium about two weeks ago because I was speeding up too fast. At least in sobriety I don't chase that feeling and I get with my doctor right away. If I say "oh I am just really happy and healthy" and talking a mile a minute that's when I know I am manic. Sucks because it does make me super happy and energetic...But that's when I end up crossing over into some other realm of existence. And it's not always heaven. It's usually hell. It was only heaven that once, the summer I was in love with Adam.
I sometimes worry it's gonna happen again. I sometimes wonder if I should even make any plans in my life...And I sometimes wonder if I should pursue understanding it and developing it as a gift? Like allow myself to go into it? But no I have kids and they need me. Plus I was told it can get worse with age and that I could never come back and be in psychosis permanently. Like I don't want my kids to come visit me at warm springs but these are the things that cross my mind. I do like that it's something that interests me and doesn't just scare me anymore. I've never met anyone like me. When I go to mental health groups people don't identify with me when I talk about my experience of heaven and hell. I guess that's why I blog about it because I want to find someone in the world with similar experiences. Are you out there?
I was reading some blogs from last year and I was really blah. I vaguely remember that. I was on a shot med that made me dull and flat and nothing would bring me joy. I guess meds really do matter. I had to get on lithium about two weeks ago because I was speeding up too fast. At least in sobriety I don't chase that feeling and I get with my doctor right away. If I say "oh I am just really happy and healthy" and talking a mile a minute that's when I know I am manic. Sucks because it does make me super happy and energetic...But that's when I end up crossing over into some other realm of existence. And it's not always heaven. It's usually hell. It was only heaven that once, the summer I was in love with Adam.
I sometimes worry it's gonna happen again. I sometimes wonder if I should even make any plans in my life...And I sometimes wonder if I should pursue understanding it and developing it as a gift? Like allow myself to go into it? But no I have kids and they need me. Plus I was told it can get worse with age and that I could never come back and be in psychosis permanently. Like I don't want my kids to come visit me at warm springs but these are the things that cross my mind. I do like that it's something that interests me and doesn't just scare me anymore. I've never met anyone like me. When I go to mental health groups people don't identify with me when I talk about my experience of heaven and hell. I guess that's why I blog about it because I want to find someone in the world with similar experiences. Are you out there?
I always think everyone in the world knows who I am and is damning me to hell as the most evil person to ever live. Harsh. Lol. You all meanies! Don't know how this happens and I am usually in psychosis for about two weeks experiencing that altered state of consciousness...And then I come out of it and go about my normal life. Ah shit it happened again!!! Damn not again. It's such a visual and real story to me and I hallucinate auditory and visual. There is a constant story playing out in my head and I usually don't sleep at all in the hospital. Its pretty fukn scary. One time I was in the Garden of Eden...Well I could see the tree of good and evil on the wall and a Snake. Another time I was laying in the psych bed and it was raining sperm which represented healthy babies coming back to earth...The sperm landed on the carpet then turned into little snakes and started crawling up my bed! Then as they got closer to me they turned into little green army men! Damn that was freaky! And the time I was five months pregnant with my son I had had a grand Mal seizure in psych and when they were doing an ultrasound on Evan I was the cause of bombs going off around the hospital. I could literally hear and see explosions and I was the one in control of this destruction! Holy balls Batman!!! Do you see how many more books I can write?
Not saying it's cool or special. But it IS cool and special! And all my visions have deep meaning for me. What sucks about it is that I come out of it and just forget and try to get back into the normal world. I have many many more experiences that I have never written down. My Lord I am intrigued and curious what it all means! Like I said if anyone in the world can relate and reads this then hit me up on Facebook lol. I have never been able to figure out how to read my comments. I wish I could it would be interesting at this creative point!
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