I was just thinking how cool it was how they all spliced together....I am talking about my psychoses. My first was my senior year of high school. I had smoked alot of pot. I remember I didn't sleep for over a week at my parents house. I thought it was the end of the world and I was left behind in hell...I was also the only one without a soul mate and I needed to pack things to get out of hell. It was supposed to be things that represented me and my soul...But everything turned on me and mocked me and guilt was paramount and I was the most evil person to ever walk the earth.
The second one I was twenty. Happened to be on a road trip and ended up psychotic at my aunt and uncle's in Spokane. Same deal. End of the world...Me evil. My aunt's house turned into my soul prison and of course I couldn't find anything to pack that represented me. Everyone was ascending to heaven in pairs. I always feel dirty and smell gross things and I know I need to shower but I am too afraid. Oh yeah I also am told I have the IQ of a five year old when I am like this. I am tripping out...Not five!
Five years go by...Next one 26. Same. Hell. Alone.
Five more years go by. 32. Same. Hell. Alone.
Then I find a soul mate. 2013. This time I go to heaven. I am a princess everything turns for good and I packed for heaven and that's what started my ascent to heaven. All I was doing was putting a pile of stuff together of things that reminded me of Adam...And then suddenly I was throwing things in a box and I was excited because I thought it was the end of the world...common theme lol! I also remember being in the ER with my mom and I thought I was in her womb and God was talking to me. He said "remember I told you this the first time but you didn't listen...no man will love you until you love yourself...Now don't come out looking for your father!" I said I will remember God and I threw water on the floor saying I was ready to be born. I was spiritually in my mother's womb talking to God lol! Psych!!!
Well I was hospitalized twice that month and became a felon that month but I was so happy!!! Everything that had seemed bad in my life were turned for good and I called it seeing my spirit reel. I remember only one text to Adam saying "thank you for ending my man curse" because I had believed that my father rejecting and denying me from conception had put a curse on me. And obviously since I was now experiencing a realm where nothing bad ever happened...No crime...No drugs...No rape...It had been Adams touch that had brought this about.
Well I really thought my psychosis was healed after coming down from heaven...But I started having more. It seemed like every four months I was in the hospital. They were saying it was permanent and they couldn't help me and they offered shock therapy. I did alot of crazy shit and somehow heaven helped me not contact Adam. Two to three years in and out of the hospital while at the same time dealing with mental health court. I wish I could remember all of it. But I just don't. I guess that's why I can act normal and do normal shit is because these are freaking traumatic and I only remember bits and pieces. I am glad I have kept my blog though because some of the things I thought are on here and intrigue me.
I just think it is way cool that I went to heaven! I put more details in my book...I just know that it was the most fantastic experience of my life and there is no way to make anyone understand how much it meant to me! Heaven was beautiful!!! There was no sickness there!
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