I didn't get to talk in the meeting tonight. It was on step ten and there was also a gal in early sobriety. I guess I would have said that early sobriety was a bitch for me. I know that I did hang onto my drunk personality for a long time. I thought that was the best version of me...You know confident, brazen and loud... Everything is a joke, ya know. So yeah that didn't end up serving me well and that's in the chapter "What I've Learned" in my book. I think I did that as protection because I had no core...Nothing solid about me that I could own about myself.
I did figure out that I needed to stop hurting people, so that in turn I wouldn't be hurt. I played the victim so well. I would put myself in the position to be hurt and say "stop you're hurting me!" I never protected myself from anything. I was skinless. Alcohol was my skin.
Damn I was sick. It's too bad Adam knew me then and not now. I really would like to meet him again for the first time. But fuk I got to stop my dang little heart from wanting that because I know it's never gonna happen...And it's not healthy for me to have expectations of non reality based wants.
I'm kind of in a mood tonight. Just a little pissy and introverted. Left the meeting without talking to anybody with my music blaring. And that's OK. I don't have to be a social butterfly and I dont always have to be in a happy mood. Those thoughts and expectations were for the drunk in me. God gives us all types of moods and emotions and if we pause just long enough we can learn and take something from all of them.
It's OK to not be OK. It's OK to be quiet. It's OK to feel nerves. It's OK to have fear. It's OK to be yourself. It's OK to have emotions. It's OK to be socially awkward!!!
Dang I've been quite bloggy lately. Got alot on my mind and I really feel I have come into my own in recovery. Awesome! The program really works!
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