I'm gonna do it. Finally gonna do it...One year single in sobriety. Just gonna do it. I have never ever listened to that suggestion and since I did relapse what better time then now? Dragon is dating a nineteen year old so that's kind of a slap in the face. I was with Mr. Clark for two weeks and the probation officers won't allow contact between us. Well that's that. Hmmm seems like a sign.
On another note I asked my po if he would arrange for me to make amends to Adam. He said absolutely not! There is a lifetime restraining order in place and he doesn't want to hear what you have to say! I was only just really hoping that I could see Adam and make his heart melt with my gratitude for him. Pish posh fiddle sticks my plan is never gonna work! I hope that Adam is not still bitter and mad at me...That would be alot to carry around for four years??? Don't you think? I asked a mutual friend of ours what he thought about my idea to make amends and he said I have to make living amends by living well in recovery. He said that Adam was extremely traumatized by what I put him through...I feel awful for trauma giving...I can't even imagine what went through his head when he ran around telling people he was in fear for his life? How odd? But I did that. My psychoses are scary. I go into an altered state of consciousness...That particular time I thought I had gone to heaven and that loving Adam is what had got me there. Tricky lil psychosis!!!
So yeah gonna do this one year single deal. I am looking forward to it!!! I have alot going well for me right now. A peer mentor private consulting job and the possibility of becoming a doctor. That's plenty! Little boys can wait! Maybe I will just enjoy being single so much that I will be that way for life. It is so true that men and me just don't mix too well and I've never met one that wants me for keeps. Wouldn't that be special to find someone who thinks my mental illness is cool and intriguing, and wanted to know all about it and loved me just the way I was? Shit it gives me lots of material and I finally even love myself despite the stigma...It's just all of me and it's not really that bad? I mean it's freaky to hallucinate and have visions and this whole story play out in my head and the hospital sucks but in all actuality it's kind of a neat part of me! Not everyone can say they see the spiritual realm and have another world they can visualize and put all that into writing...
Nope not alot of people can say that!!! And won't it be cool to learn about what psychology has to say about my illness? A chemical imbalance my ass!!! I'm gonna argue with science about that concept til I get an A for effort proving my point!!!
So much to say don't I? Yep letters after my name will work quite nicely!!!
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