OH LORD! WHAT AM I DOING??? I am powerless over Adam and my life has become unmanageable!!! What the hell? WHY AGAIN? I wrote about this in my first year of sobriety..its in my book! What the hell! Put the needle in the vein cause that man is my heroin!!! Holy shit I am a junkie! And you know what is not euphoric is standing in front of a courtroom full of people that know you are crazy for two fukn years! Or being walked into a courtroom in chains facing the man you love??? That's not fukn euphoric!
I chaired the meeting today. I said I was scaring myself. All Adam has to do is say my blog scares him or even if he doesn't like it and there is no moving to Bozeman and getting a PhD! I will be going to prison. All he has to say is he is scared of me!!! What the fuk?
So here I am and I'm just calling out my shit. Yes I love him...but do I really have to have the mindset that no one else will do? Heroin. And I loved someone else too, which was all over my blog...so obviously I am fukn capable of it??? And do I really have to manage my big fukn show just so my player will act the way I want him to? Cause he is stubborn and he won't and its never gonna fukn happen. And he may even be plotting to murder me with his girlfriend which I don't know if he has but he could be married for all I know!!! I don't know a fukn thing about him, seriously now! All I know is that he seriously said no like four fukn years ago! OMG I need a fix.
Be my fukn fairytale already. GEEZ!
My greatest blessing is my greatest curse. I am so pissed because I don't even realize I am doing his drugs! I am not special and am your average sober crackhead. And no matter how far I have come I am still addicted to loving him. Its so stupid and frustrating. He's too potent. How can memories from four years ago be so potent? How can I still see the way he walked away from me in the parking lot when he said "take five months and see if your life gets better." How does he do all this to me? How do I do this to me?
How could I? Do no harm. That's all I am supposed to do...why is that so hard???
I chaired the meeting today. I said I was scaring myself. All Adam has to do is say my blog scares him or even if he doesn't like it and there is no moving to Bozeman and getting a PhD! I will be going to prison. All he has to say is he is scared of me!!! What the fuk?
So here I am and I'm just calling out my shit. Yes I love him...but do I really have to have the mindset that no one else will do? Heroin. And I loved someone else too, which was all over my blog...so obviously I am fukn capable of it??? And do I really have to manage my big fukn show just so my player will act the way I want him to? Cause he is stubborn and he won't and its never gonna fukn happen. And he may even be plotting to murder me with his girlfriend which I don't know if he has but he could be married for all I know!!! I don't know a fukn thing about him, seriously now! All I know is that he seriously said no like four fukn years ago! OMG I need a fix.
Be my fukn fairytale already. GEEZ!
My greatest blessing is my greatest curse. I am so pissed because I don't even realize I am doing his drugs! I am not special and am your average sober crackhead. And no matter how far I have come I am still addicted to loving him. Its so stupid and frustrating. He's too potent. How can memories from four years ago be so potent? How can I still see the way he walked away from me in the parking lot when he said "take five months and see if your life gets better." How does he do all this to me? How do I do this to me?
How could I? Do no harm. That's all I am supposed to do...why is that so hard???
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