The tricky thing about my illness is that it comes and goes. When it's bad it's real bad and then I come into times like these and I just feel really normal, with no symptoms. Sometimes I go five years without symptoms.
Sometimes I think yes I could be a doctor...But would they even let me? I think my stalking case was abnormal...Very strange to have a psychosis about a soul mate. Very strange that the story line spanned 16 years most of which I was well. I have so many questions that will probably never be answered until I meet God.
I want to be well...But sometimes I think my psychosis is teaching me much more about the universe than I could ever learn from a book. It's a part of me for a reason. I kind of ache for the knowledge of it. Ache to understand it. It makes me feel special in a way, and gifted. And medication just makes me normal and compliant in society.
I know the reasons I needed to hold on to my love for Adam for quite some time...I am not ashamed of loving someone. I really stopped having expectations of him in Flatt. But when I would cross over he was always part of that. I needed to believe he was good and I separated the pain he was causing me in Flatt and created him into who I needed him to be. Maybe I was dancing with his soul and not the fearful stigma filled person that had no mercy for me.
Sometimes I think yes I could be a doctor...But would they even let me? I think my stalking case was abnormal...Very strange to have a psychosis about a soul mate. Very strange that the story line spanned 16 years most of which I was well. I have so many questions that will probably never be answered until I meet God.
I want to be well...But sometimes I think my psychosis is teaching me much more about the universe than I could ever learn from a book. It's a part of me for a reason. I kind of ache for the knowledge of it. Ache to understand it. It makes me feel special in a way, and gifted. And medication just makes me normal and compliant in society.
I know the reasons I needed to hold on to my love for Adam for quite some time...I am not ashamed of loving someone. I really stopped having expectations of him in Flatt. But when I would cross over he was always part of that. I needed to believe he was good and I separated the pain he was causing me in Flatt and created him into who I needed him to be. Maybe I was dancing with his soul and not the fearful stigma filled person that had no mercy for me.
It's all a fantasy. I needed comfort while processing my sexual trauma PTSD. I loved Adam to survive and that's the truth of it. I would have died had I not had that love in my heart. That's why I say he saved my life many times. I needed to believe love existed in me and I needed to believe in another human. And so I did what I had to do.
But I am ok now. I've been out of the hospital for over a year. I've accepted that I scare the shit out of Adam and he wants nothing to do with me. I know I am scary and alot. I know that creating a persona to love is sick and fukt up, but at the same time the way we survive as humans is amazing! The way my mind did that blows me away! I always created a way to love him despite his hate! In my mind he was doing it to help me grow! Hmmmmm...Well? Well?
And I have grown so much! And the fact that I am in this place of acceptance where I recognize what my mind did, and say it is complete, whatever this was to me. I am whole, I am safe, I am sober and I can take care of myself. And I don't need a man! I'ma do this shit! I am so great full for this time I had, it was fantastic.
And yes I am sorry that all this was selfish. It's just what happened. It's gonna be an amazing story to tell my grandkids! Yeah Grammy a lil cray cray! Don't you want somebody to love??? It was just what the doctor ordered...In the right dosage. Enough to fill me up and make me whole again like before I drank. That was the goal when I first started writing!
Shit is weird. Enough said.
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