Well I wrote those chapters two maybe three years ago. I have a little more but not much and the story is dead in the water. I like the idea of it, but I am stuck. I've been paying in a writing workshop to have other writers review it. They like it...say its publishable but question who I want my audience to be??? Its a complicated story and rightly so its my psychosis...my other world. I don't know where it comes from its just there this other place.
Maybe my brain concocts this fantasy realm? As I wish it to be true? I do not know how all my dreams are about it and how I have visions and hallucinations related to it? I don't feel crazy today...I went to a meeting and grocery shopping and put groceries away. I do normal shit. I function...I laugh, make jokes...talk romance...watch football...hmm I eat popcorn at a movie.
My therapist wont really let me talk about fantasy stuff...he always redirects me! He says focus on being well and lets talk about your PTSD...again I say? But we've been over that! I think I need a therapist that will take a journey through my psychosis with me. I think I really need that. If I am a lunatic and wrong about this place existing, than why do I feel so called to understand it? Take these pills and shut up lady! Reminds me of my mom telling me the story of me crying on the bus when I was an infant. She was 19 and some woman handed her a dollar and said go buy that baby a pacifier! ALWAYS trying to shut me up!!!
I honestly don't know how I come up with the other world unless it really exists. Were in the spirit world asshole!!! I do know I have felt the shift in my brain into a sensory mode and can feel myself close to crossing over. I am resisting it. I think its just the nicotine leaving my chemistry...its setting me off. Or its just my time to go hang out in the psych ward again. HUMPH. If so I want to be in heaven again, because hell totally sucks. Sick of the abyss of hell where everything is my fault. If I really was the embodiment of the most evil person to ever walk to the earth...how could I be so damn sweet in reality. Fuk off Satan, seriously.
Maybe I am a false prophet. Maybe I am possessed and all the things I see in psychosis are from demons...ya I've been told and I really thought that before I saw heaven. I have some weird beliefs and I am sure I am gonna get some bible thumpers trying to cast the thought of reincarnation out of my head. Peace be with you. I am what I am. God loves me. My heart is still beating for a reason...and I see what I see for a reason. I'd like to think hell wouldn't scare me if it happened again...but it is terrifying...but not a whole lot else scares me. I get tortured in my sleep alot...mutilated like its preparing me for something big. I was run over by a car when I was 19...that was scary. Sometimes my eyes look scared I am told...the windows to the soul I suppose. I am scared of the system. I am scared of not seeing my kids. I am really scared of being a nobody...now thats scary. Ok so some honesty...I am also scared of my destiny. Just a wee bit overwhelmed lately!!!
Okay lol I gotta go do my dishes. Remember I am normal!
Maybe my brain concocts this fantasy realm? As I wish it to be true? I do not know how all my dreams are about it and how I have visions and hallucinations related to it? I don't feel crazy today...I went to a meeting and grocery shopping and put groceries away. I do normal shit. I function...I laugh, make jokes...talk romance...watch football...hmm I eat popcorn at a movie.
My therapist wont really let me talk about fantasy stuff...he always redirects me! He says focus on being well and lets talk about your PTSD...again I say? But we've been over that! I think I need a therapist that will take a journey through my psychosis with me. I think I really need that. If I am a lunatic and wrong about this place existing, than why do I feel so called to understand it? Take these pills and shut up lady! Reminds me of my mom telling me the story of me crying on the bus when I was an infant. She was 19 and some woman handed her a dollar and said go buy that baby a pacifier! ALWAYS trying to shut me up!!!
I honestly don't know how I come up with the other world unless it really exists. Were in the spirit world asshole!!! I do know I have felt the shift in my brain into a sensory mode and can feel myself close to crossing over. I am resisting it. I think its just the nicotine leaving my chemistry...its setting me off. Or its just my time to go hang out in the psych ward again. HUMPH. If so I want to be in heaven again, because hell totally sucks. Sick of the abyss of hell where everything is my fault. If I really was the embodiment of the most evil person to ever walk to the earth...how could I be so damn sweet in reality. Fuk off Satan, seriously.
Maybe I am a false prophet. Maybe I am possessed and all the things I see in psychosis are from demons...ya I've been told and I really thought that before I saw heaven. I have some weird beliefs and I am sure I am gonna get some bible thumpers trying to cast the thought of reincarnation out of my head. Peace be with you. I am what I am. God loves me. My heart is still beating for a reason...and I see what I see for a reason. I'd like to think hell wouldn't scare me if it happened again...but it is terrifying...but not a whole lot else scares me. I get tortured in my sleep alot...mutilated like its preparing me for something big. I was run over by a car when I was 19...that was scary. Sometimes my eyes look scared I am told...the windows to the soul I suppose. I am scared of the system. I am scared of not seeing my kids. I am really scared of being a nobody...now thats scary. Ok so some honesty...I am also scared of my destiny. Just a wee bit overwhelmed lately!!!
Okay lol I gotta go do my dishes. Remember I am normal!
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