After much deliberation and alot of questions and a relapse last year I am happy to say I am happy and grateful to be sober! Life is so good and I know who I am today! I am grateful for the things I have gone through that have made me the woman I am today...Because what I went through ultimately saved my life. Adam in a round about way saved my life ...And I can look back on it and say that if he would have dated me back when I had one year like I wanted him to, I would not have the recovery I have today.
I used to be a door mat with no self esteem... I would let whatever happen to me whenever and with whoever. I had no boundaries...I drifted through life never feeling pain. I wanted to be happy and happier and never feel anything negative. I remember telling my mom I was missing the part of my brain that learned and grew and matured. Well I wasn't missing part of my brain...I was a drunk. I had no core...Nothing solid in me that I knew to be true, nothing that I could hold on to and call just mine about me, no matter how many affirmations I received. I was a shell of a woman...Empty and broken.
Adam had said I needed to learn how to "do time." And wow I have! I can say after how much being sick and being a stalker sucked and about killed me that I am a strong woman! I know who I am and I know my value and it is not decided by a man. If I hadn't been picked up for stalking I never would have gotten into therapy and discovered I had sexual trauma PTSD. I never would have recognized that was why I fell for gentle Adam.
I can't believe what I have been through and to get to be healthy now and out of the hospital for over a year is amazing! I feel whole! I feel like the pain refined me and made me so much deeper. I can't even begin to express my gratitude for this experience. I still don't know what Adams motives were...But I would like to think they were altruistic and I am just gonna stick with that. I can't have an Adam that hates me and wishes me harm...I just can't. I am completely changed from knowing this man!
And it could have killed me! But I feel so badass, I really do! And I know who I am! And I want to get my PhD! My life long dream to be a doctor! I never gave up and look at me now! God is so good to me! My faith is so increased! Wow God you can use everything!
I have boundaries and self esteem and self determination! The promises of recovery are true! It's the best program ever! And I wrote to Adam for a year...My first year but that wasn't the end to my story! OMG! So good! Eeeeeeeeeekkkkkk! This is real! I was made new! I am a new creation! I am whole! I am finally cool which is what I always wanted alcohol to do for me! I'm cool! Yeah lol! And I love how God made me!!! I have so much inside me! I have written over 500 blogs and I used to hate to feel attention on myself...Hated to stand out and now look what I have done!
I am ME!!!
I am Miranda Nehus Dye!
I am MirandadyeBlackInk!
I am Eve Rising!
I am a mother!
I am a writer!
I am a felon!
I am an alcoholic!
I am bipolar!
I am a lover!
I am an achiever!
I am happy!
I am enough!
I am redeemed!
Thank you God for my sobriety!!!
Comments