Trying something different, but I miss Dragon...it's just kind of like I was so used to our pattern of futility. My therapist said I play peekaboo with Dragon and I am the baby always wondering if he is still gonna be there for me? He goes away for a little while...but it's like are you gonna come back? Are you gonna surprise me? Come out from around the corner and still be there?
But he has blocked my number. He said we were still gonna be friends and the last couple times we hung out we had a wonderful time. The concert in Bozeman was awesome. I am assuming that he blocked me because I was bragging about how nice Mr Clark was and how nice it was to have someone new, to tell my stories to and not be repeating myself. I guess that would be hard for him. I guess I have to understand.
Love is strange and elusive...and drags on my heart. It is possible to love multiple people too. I am into Mr. Clark, he's great but although new is exciting it is also terrifying...and as of right now we are not allowed to associate anyway. So there is that.
Sobriety is weird.
I have a way harder time letting go in sobriety than I ever had drinking. My heart fierce is a dragon...on and on. I even told Me Clark that I would go back to Adam of he ever showed interest. Wow he said. Just wow... anyone would say. It's just that I feel so deeply now...this fukn passion. And it makes me believe in patterns of futility...that if I just keep believing I will get what I want.
What do I want? It's simple. I just want a man to love me for all that I am and stand by me despite my mental illness. Is that too much to ask? No it's not.
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