Surely this obsession should be gone... but no. You're like a favorite drug that's still calling my name. I wonder where you are tonight. And if you are happy? I thought about dropping by, maybe calling... but that's a felony and I don't think it's worth the risk. I would just want to say..."Hey Trouble, how ya been?" Like there wasn't all this history of you can't stand me and I got locked up over my lust for you. Just keep it casual. Casual hands all over each other. It's definently a sickness this missing you. You were only in my life for a short time. I made you bigger to me, I made you my soul mate.
So much has happened. I just wanted to let you know that it's all ok. And I am ok. I cannot believe how it's still hits me like a ton of well placed bricks...that I miss you. And the truth is that Adam you are a made up man. You're my imaginary best friend and lover. I somehow concocted this image of who you are and leaned on you through the years. No one could live up to what I've made you to be to me. You mean the world to me, that I can love you despite all that has happened. But I wish you to be real, and you're just not! How dissapointing it is to recognize I am in love with an idea of a person that doesn't exist???
So strange that I have written and cared for a fictional character for three years now! I've mentioned many times that it just feels safer for my heart than the real deal. I have always questioned how I fell so deeply in love and felt such a connection? And then I spun out on that for a very long time. I like loving you Adam...you seem unloved and missing that piece...like a big gaping hole inside you that needs fixing.
It's hard to separate you from the real person, but I know I have to. A character I made up in a book. A character that completes me in every way. And I understand that this is completely fukt up! It's just how I have come to understand what happened. Something inside me made him my hero. But heroes don't bail. And Adam you never left me! Always there when I needed you! Someone to pass the hours with. Someone devoted to me, no matter when I was crazy or sane...you love me reguardless.
People do all kinds of crazy shit to cope. I thank you Adam for all the times I spent with you instead of drinking. And all the imagination that welled up in me because of you. Fairytale weaver. I would think this would be a good goodbye letter...but no probably not. I have been doing very well and working and have not been in the hospital for a long time. I feel healthy. I feel like a normal person! Although it is not normal for adults to have imaginary friends...there are probably worse things one could do.
What a freakin thing to try to explain! I find comfort somehow in this. Goodnight.
So much has happened. I just wanted to let you know that it's all ok. And I am ok. I cannot believe how it's still hits me like a ton of well placed bricks...that I miss you. And the truth is that Adam you are a made up man. You're my imaginary best friend and lover. I somehow concocted this image of who you are and leaned on you through the years. No one could live up to what I've made you to be to me. You mean the world to me, that I can love you despite all that has happened. But I wish you to be real, and you're just not! How dissapointing it is to recognize I am in love with an idea of a person that doesn't exist???
So strange that I have written and cared for a fictional character for three years now! I've mentioned many times that it just feels safer for my heart than the real deal. I have always questioned how I fell so deeply in love and felt such a connection? And then I spun out on that for a very long time. I like loving you Adam...you seem unloved and missing that piece...like a big gaping hole inside you that needs fixing.
It's hard to separate you from the real person, but I know I have to. A character I made up in a book. A character that completes me in every way. And I understand that this is completely fukt up! It's just how I have come to understand what happened. Something inside me made him my hero. But heroes don't bail. And Adam you never left me! Always there when I needed you! Someone to pass the hours with. Someone devoted to me, no matter when I was crazy or sane...you love me reguardless.
People do all kinds of crazy shit to cope. I thank you Adam for all the times I spent with you instead of drinking. And all the imagination that welled up in me because of you. Fairytale weaver. I would think this would be a good goodbye letter...but no probably not. I have been doing very well and working and have not been in the hospital for a long time. I feel healthy. I feel like a normal person! Although it is not normal for adults to have imaginary friends...there are probably worse things one could do.
What a freakin thing to try to explain! I find comfort somehow in this. Goodnight.