"Never call me again." I distinctly remember the end of that conversation like it was yesterday. It was the Petersons? Delaney's? Or Pitts? But I was trying to get ahold of my children's paternal grandparents. You see my married last name is Dye, and it is the last name of my children, which was an adoptive name of my ex husband Justin. He doesn't know his father or that side of his family. His own mother died when he was 23, and she had been left at a church with her two brothers as a toddler. The adoption papers said the Delaney's were unable to care for Sally Jo, I think it was then that she became a Peterson. So my ex is pretty much alone in this world. He somehow was the inheritance to Step-adoptive grandparents estate, I have never met anyone related to him. His bloodright last name goes back to Delaney.
I was born a Nehus. My mother's maiden name. My birthdad is a Clark and wants nothing to do with me. I looked him up when I was 18 and met him. He lied about not knowing about me, and ever since it has been a tenuous distant relationship. He has a large family. So does my mom. My mom married a McCann when I was six, I stayed a maiden Nehus. I have 9 younger siblings, 6 of which are estranged.
So my children who should have a huge family and cousins, know my moms side. I only know my mom's side and my step dad's and Justin knows no one! Its so strange! And last night I had a dream about it. Dye-Delaney.
I can never get anything right in my dreams, its a continuous loop of me eventually doing something wrong no matter how hard I try. It is much like my psychosis. There is an estate sale at my grandparents McCann. What I want to buy is a bible and drawings of the Wizard of Oz from the 1930's done by my grandma. They are partially finished. On the drawing is names of births and marriages with years, much like you would put in a bible, but my bible I want to buy for three dollars is empty. There are four drawings of the Wizard of Oz clan and my name is written on the fourth, it just says Miranda 197-. That's it, not even my birthdate, just that I was to be born in the 70's. Suddenly people I know are swirling around the estate sale. They begin to ridicule me. They are morphing betweeen the looks I grew up with in my grandparents church which was quite legalistic, into beautiful modern day looks. They all know their lineage. I walk in a room and see Justin and try to talk to him, but he too is ridiculing me. Justin typically smokes but he was not, and I was the only one smoking in this room. Then I am sitting in a chair and women start circling around me, quite close and they are all smoking and they look horrid. Just the typical looks of aged smokers and poverished. Smoking is always a big issue of guilt in my dreams and psychoses. These women were snapping judgements on me and blowing smoke on me...it left quite the impression. Then I remember seeing written on the Wizard of Oz drawings, Dye-Delaney a marriage. I wondered if I was somehow I was related to Justin. But the dream told me somehow whatever I had done in my life was wrong, like everything. That my children were heirs and I was excluded. This is how it is in my psychosis too. Everyone goes to heaven except for me.
I woke up with a deep desire to get this post done. Someting about inheritance of a spiritual nature. I have also been wondering if I am going into psychosis. My dreams are strong with it. It's my birthday tomorrow and I was in the hospital on my birthday last year. Lineage and birthright always come up in psychoses. Something is up. I don't know what, but something.
Please pray for me!
I was born a Nehus. My mother's maiden name. My birthdad is a Clark and wants nothing to do with me. I looked him up when I was 18 and met him. He lied about not knowing about me, and ever since it has been a tenuous distant relationship. He has a large family. So does my mom. My mom married a McCann when I was six, I stayed a maiden Nehus. I have 9 younger siblings, 6 of which are estranged.
So my children who should have a huge family and cousins, know my moms side. I only know my mom's side and my step dad's and Justin knows no one! Its so strange! And last night I had a dream about it. Dye-Delaney.
I can never get anything right in my dreams, its a continuous loop of me eventually doing something wrong no matter how hard I try. It is much like my psychosis. There is an estate sale at my grandparents McCann. What I want to buy is a bible and drawings of the Wizard of Oz from the 1930's done by my grandma. They are partially finished. On the drawing is names of births and marriages with years, much like you would put in a bible, but my bible I want to buy for three dollars is empty. There are four drawings of the Wizard of Oz clan and my name is written on the fourth, it just says Miranda 197-. That's it, not even my birthdate, just that I was to be born in the 70's. Suddenly people I know are swirling around the estate sale. They begin to ridicule me. They are morphing betweeen the looks I grew up with in my grandparents church which was quite legalistic, into beautiful modern day looks. They all know their lineage. I walk in a room and see Justin and try to talk to him, but he too is ridiculing me. Justin typically smokes but he was not, and I was the only one smoking in this room. Then I am sitting in a chair and women start circling around me, quite close and they are all smoking and they look horrid. Just the typical looks of aged smokers and poverished. Smoking is always a big issue of guilt in my dreams and psychoses. These women were snapping judgements on me and blowing smoke on me...it left quite the impression. Then I remember seeing written on the Wizard of Oz drawings, Dye-Delaney a marriage. I wondered if I was somehow I was related to Justin. But the dream told me somehow whatever I had done in my life was wrong, like everything. That my children were heirs and I was excluded. This is how it is in my psychosis too. Everyone goes to heaven except for me.
I woke up with a deep desire to get this post done. Someting about inheritance of a spiritual nature. I have also been wondering if I am going into psychosis. My dreams are strong with it. It's my birthday tomorrow and I was in the hospital on my birthday last year. Lineage and birthright always come up in psychoses. Something is up. I don't know what, but something.
Please pray for me!