They ask me what I write about. I say I write about my bipolar adventures. I write about my pain, my laughter, and my absolute ridiculousness of extremes. Today I am going to write about anger! You see I have been playing unfair with a Dragon. I have about 20 posts that mention I have always wanted a daughter. Here is one called Angel Baby that I wrote in January of this year:
"There you are little baby...
I can't hold you.
You are just something that I want,
That I don't get to have.
You are a girl, like me.
And you see...
I don't get to have you until heaven,
Because you see little baby...
I am not healthy like those other women.
I don't have it all together.
And though I want to be good enough,
I just don't have that white picket fence for you.
I've wanted you for a long time...
I've got boys and that's okay.
They teach me a lot.
And though I wanted to show you how to be a lady...
I can show my boys how to treat a lady.
I always wanted older brothers,
I thought maybe you would like them too.
I know you have black curly hair, and rosy red lips!
And the bluest eyes, just like mine!
And your name is "True" because that's just the name I have picked for you!
I know you are with me in spirit...
I just can't have you here.
But I will hold you in my dreams...
And that parallel world.
Where I have a daughter who watches me.
True, I love you."
Today: I know I am too sick to have more children. I hate my illness today. It's unfair. I am sick of my sick head. I got all wild up the past few days hoping that I was going to have a baby. Even though I have a 99.2% effective contraception. I am that crazy. I was looking up the odds of this happening, and in my head I wanted it so bad that I was having symptoms. This is not the first time this has occurred with me. And I am always wrong. I went to the doctor and there of course was my sure fire iud that keeps crazy me from having another baby. This life is cruel.
I have decided that I do have "spiritual daughters" that I do feel with me. I have felt kicking. I have felt the pitter patter in the womb. I've researched this and it is called psychosomatic pregnancy. This is an actual thing that the brain can do. Convincing me, and of course its twin girls! I think it is something spiritual about me.
The strangest thing is ever since my first psychosis when I was 18, I think I am pregnant! Every time! I am so glad that I can catch this now, as a sign that I am not well. This is a revelation for me and it all started with a pregnancy dream on Friday night. It was blissful and there was nothing wrong with me, or the baby girl, and Dragon was all for it too. But that is not reality.
The reality is that I have a form of schitzo-effective bipolar disorder. The reality is that sometimes I drift into other realms that are unsafe. The reality is also that I need to let someone I love, move on. No matter how much I love him, or how much I want a daughter, I have to get real and recognize that is not the life I get to have. It makes me so angry at my illness. My illness that comes and goes and is unpredictable. Like I can't guarantee that tomorrow I won't be talking about genetic homicide and gender mutation, but for real have a child with me, Dragon!
I have had a crazy day. Best intentions were to write Dragon a sweet birthday poem. It made me feel desperate and ridiculous. And then angry at God because I am not well enough to be "all that" to him. And I need to back off and let him have his life with someone who can be. Damn near impossible for me to grasp that reality. Funk.
Here is some writing from last November about "True."
Curl e cues, stop!
Smiles and laughter I hear...
Golden child I swear it.
I would name her True, or Truth, like Ruth with a T.
I don't know why this desire for a daughter won't leave me.
She is other side, I know it.
In Flatt, I shouldn't...I can't anymore...I don't dare have these thoughts!
To give birth? To give birth to a daughter?
It would probably be a son, I would name him True.
Kind of rhymes with common Drew.
Dream says there is a "stop sign" around the right mans breast plate.
It was a geometric pattern of tattoos in large lines all over his chest.
I noticed the hexagon was more like a sloppy "sectagon,"
Placed on largely on the right side.
Why I asked, "just because...now stop!"
I woke up with the thought clearly on my mind that I should not be with Dragon physically anymore...well he did break up with me...it just wasn't a clean break. And now it is muddled with my waning need to be close to him, when I am suppose to be going the other way. Oh, Dragon Heart I don't know what to do! I am in confusion and I know the best answer is to not "go there!" Not right now...just wait. Just stop!
I am ridiculous with my need to procreate with Dragon...it's because he is younger and I feel that is what he needs out of Flatt...and I know it is what he wants too. Only I know he is to have True a boy, and I want Truth, a girl.
And then I remember Taiyah Jane...I wanted her too. There is something about me and a daughter that won't let up. She has Black hair...curly. Rosy red lips and is whole human. Not sick, not disfigured or spectrum disorders...I feel like I could hold her there. In my mind.
And the crows are busy talking this morning. They just say caw and I think it's a boding warning of the day I awake and know I have a daughter...somewhere.
The reality is that I have a serious illness of the mind. The reality is that I am alot for anyone to handle. The reality is painful. The reality is that I go through so many emotions based on false thoughts...and that brings more pain to me than one could comprehend.
So much for bipolar adventures! One day God will tell me why. And there will be no tears of frustration in the pillow. There will be no wanting to drink or die over this frustration. There will be no chaos or calamity. And false thoughts will be untwisted...and all will be made right. And someday...I will hold "True."
"There you are little baby...
I can't hold you.
You are just something that I want,
That I don't get to have.
You are a girl, like me.
And you see...
I don't get to have you until heaven,
Because you see little baby...
I am not healthy like those other women.
I don't have it all together.
And though I want to be good enough,
I just don't have that white picket fence for you.
I've wanted you for a long time...
I've got boys and that's okay.
They teach me a lot.
And though I wanted to show you how to be a lady...
I can show my boys how to treat a lady.
I always wanted older brothers,
I thought maybe you would like them too.
I know you have black curly hair, and rosy red lips!
And the bluest eyes, just like mine!
And your name is "True" because that's just the name I have picked for you!
I know you are with me in spirit...
I just can't have you here.
But I will hold you in my dreams...
And that parallel world.
Where I have a daughter who watches me.
True, I love you."
Today: I know I am too sick to have more children. I hate my illness today. It's unfair. I am sick of my sick head. I got all wild up the past few days hoping that I was going to have a baby. Even though I have a 99.2% effective contraception. I am that crazy. I was looking up the odds of this happening, and in my head I wanted it so bad that I was having symptoms. This is not the first time this has occurred with me. And I am always wrong. I went to the doctor and there of course was my sure fire iud that keeps crazy me from having another baby. This life is cruel.
I have decided that I do have "spiritual daughters" that I do feel with me. I have felt kicking. I have felt the pitter patter in the womb. I've researched this and it is called psychosomatic pregnancy. This is an actual thing that the brain can do. Convincing me, and of course its twin girls! I think it is something spiritual about me.
The strangest thing is ever since my first psychosis when I was 18, I think I am pregnant! Every time! I am so glad that I can catch this now, as a sign that I am not well. This is a revelation for me and it all started with a pregnancy dream on Friday night. It was blissful and there was nothing wrong with me, or the baby girl, and Dragon was all for it too. But that is not reality.
The reality is that I have a form of schitzo-effective bipolar disorder. The reality is that sometimes I drift into other realms that are unsafe. The reality is also that I need to let someone I love, move on. No matter how much I love him, or how much I want a daughter, I have to get real and recognize that is not the life I get to have. It makes me so angry at my illness. My illness that comes and goes and is unpredictable. Like I can't guarantee that tomorrow I won't be talking about genetic homicide and gender mutation, but for real have a child with me, Dragon!
I have had a crazy day. Best intentions were to write Dragon a sweet birthday poem. It made me feel desperate and ridiculous. And then angry at God because I am not well enough to be "all that" to him. And I need to back off and let him have his life with someone who can be. Damn near impossible for me to grasp that reality. Funk.
Here is some writing from last November about "True."
Curl e cues, stop!
Smiles and laughter I hear...
Golden child I swear it.
I would name her True, or Truth, like Ruth with a T.
I don't know why this desire for a daughter won't leave me.
She is other side, I know it.
In Flatt, I shouldn't...I can't anymore...I don't dare have these thoughts!
To give birth? To give birth to a daughter?
It would probably be a son, I would name him True.
Kind of rhymes with common Drew.
Dream says there is a "stop sign" around the right mans breast plate.
It was a geometric pattern of tattoos in large lines all over his chest.
I noticed the hexagon was more like a sloppy "sectagon,"
Placed on largely on the right side.
Why I asked, "just because...now stop!"
I woke up with the thought clearly on my mind that I should not be with Dragon physically anymore...well he did break up with me...it just wasn't a clean break. And now it is muddled with my waning need to be close to him, when I am suppose to be going the other way. Oh, Dragon Heart I don't know what to do! I am in confusion and I know the best answer is to not "go there!" Not right now...just wait. Just stop!
I am ridiculous with my need to procreate with Dragon...it's because he is younger and I feel that is what he needs out of Flatt...and I know it is what he wants too. Only I know he is to have True a boy, and I want Truth, a girl.
And then I remember Taiyah Jane...I wanted her too. There is something about me and a daughter that won't let up. She has Black hair...curly. Rosy red lips and is whole human. Not sick, not disfigured or spectrum disorders...I feel like I could hold her there. In my mind.
And the crows are busy talking this morning. They just say caw and I think it's a boding warning of the day I awake and know I have a daughter...somewhere.
The reality is that I have a serious illness of the mind. The reality is that I am alot for anyone to handle. The reality is painful. The reality is that I go through so many emotions based on false thoughts...and that brings more pain to me than one could comprehend.
So much for bipolar adventures! One day God will tell me why. And there will be no tears of frustration in the pillow. There will be no wanting to drink or die over this frustration. There will be no chaos or calamity. And false thoughts will be untwisted...and all will be made right. And someday...I will hold "True."