Journey

Its the journey, not the destination that matters.  Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  Sometimes I get shrouded in such darkness, that no light will get in.  Its the nature of the illness. But deep down, after all the hallucinations and fear, comes my heart.  And it tells me life is still worth living.  I don't even know after all that I have been through in the past few weeks, few years, I am holding on.  It's an indescribable journey.  The depths that psychoses takes me is a frightful state and there is no one to cry out to for help, they are all gone and it is in that aloneness, that I feel all the shame of my life.  Piled on like the ultimate smack down.  Every good thing twists to be bad and I am left in an utter state of confusion.

I had a hearing for revocation last week.  I was sitting there insane.  Not really understanding all that was being said.  I had been in the hospital for eight days, equally insane.  To say the least it was terrifying.  Its almost as if I am living in a nightmare.  I am told it will get better, that I will get better, and that I am being bitchy.  I say well its hard to have a pleasant attitude when your head is a psychotic prism of doubt and fear...of course I come across like a bitch???

It is so hard to explain!  I am listening to some uplifting music now.  I believe I can heal...I don't have any other choice!  Every person I am close to...I saw them change...I hallucinated different faces and aging faces...I cannot make sense of it.  So I am just calling it a "Scared Straight, Smoking Cessation" commercial!  I still have my tendancy to bum cigarettes but at least I have not been buying them and chain smoking...

There is so much I cannot understand.  And I need to stop trying...because it is damn scary to dwell on. I am like OMG I was in hell!  And now I am just in my kitchen, which had turned into a prison of guilt.  This is an illness I wouldn't wish on anyone.  It is also painful to accept that it has consumed my life.  Ultimately by sharing my story, I hope I am helping someone else in this world.  I am just one soul on this earth and I still believe God Loves All!  No matter how scary it gets I should trust God.  I do.  But I need to find a way to say that while I am in the scary parts.  When I feel forsaken and forgotten. 

What a journey.  What a freakin journey!